As You Cross Over To The Other Side

As you cross over to the other side, follow the light at the end of the tunnel. The next dimension is where you can find your destination, paint the world there with different colors, dance with the chirping of the birds, smell the flowers and bask under the rays of the sun. Don’t hesitate to revel in its glory, because that paradise is yours now.

Don't worry about your family, they are now working hard in fulfilling your dreams for you, they have sacrificed their personal time to run your dream business. Each day may be a challenge, even when the odds are stacked before them, the seemingly impossible is now possible because they have already your vision, so don't worry KKR, we will get there!. One day, you will be smiling looking upon them, because they have finally built the paradise here for you.

Don't worry about Pat, she is a brave girl and I'm sure you want her to continue living her dreams. You will always be a part of her, and even if the time comes that she will find someone new, just be glad that you once found a paradise in her.

Don't worry about your friends, they will always treasure you. They will always speak just good things about you because you were such an amazing friend to them! You have been tattooed on their bodies, literally, but I know, more than those colored skins, you are permanently inked in their hearts. Rejoice on that, because they have loved you more ways than one. And that KKR is already a paradise.

I know that you wanted to build a paradise here for your family, but unfortunately, some people took that chance away from you. Don't worry KKR, the paradise that you have always dreamt of have manifested in the way your family and friends love you. I saw that in their eyes, I felt that in the sacredness of their tears and that KKR is already a paradise.

Your perpetrators may be roaming free now, still unidentified, no authorities would want to make it easy for us, but don’t worry KKR, they will never have peace now and hereafter and that is no paradise!

We will never get over your loss, but don't worry KKR, we will find ways to cope each day. The strength we need in this journey can already be found in our hearts and we just have to get out there, keep moving forward and make our lives just as you wished them to be. That strength was what we found right there in YOU! All we have to do is draw deep within and use that source of power to rebuild our lives. We are a strong clan, remember that. That’s our own paradise!

So rest easy KKR, go follow the light and say hello to Lolo Juanito and Uncles Boyet and Joey for me. May your soul be finally at peace.

Is Death the Enemy?

We all die, thats inevitable. Our journey in life will always have its ending, its up to us how to generate the plot to make it a unique story and leave the ending memorable. However, I also believe that there are  life stories that are cut without notice, not that theirs werent interesting, but somehow their deaths made a side story of one's life story.

My brother's life story has ended two years ago, 43 years worth was cut short by body malfunctions - he may have been downed by his physical body but his spirit continue to dwell in our lives. His death was our enemy. Believe me, the pain is undeniably real up to this day. His death became my biggest nightmare, it has largely inoculated to the strangeness of what we call LIFE. Death is difficult whether sudden or not, it will always take out a piece from the equation of being WHOLE. Pieces of you will shatter to bits and there is just no way to put them perfectly together. There is that empty hole always. ALWAYS!

I welcome death, I just hope it comes on my own terms. If it literally steals my breath away while I am peacefully asleep, I am fine with it. If cardiac arrest is so strong, I die upon collapsing, I am fine with it. If death comes when my son has full concept of life and death and knows how to deal with it, Im fine with it. Seriously, I am fine with it if it happens to me. Im not afraid of death, I am only afraid for the people being left behind because I have been there, I am IN there now. Death is such a strong enemy, no way of escaping it however how hard you try, it is REAL!

But death is also a BELIEVER's friend. It is coming home to our creator. It is the final destination where peace finally settles in, It is heaven. Surreal as it may sound, but isnt it where we are all headed?  Death is our restoration, our redeeming moment. The only factor that we consider it our enemy is that we who will remain will grieve, but those who will pass on wont.

The nagging question is, how do we know if the soul of our departed has reached its final resting place? Is there a sneak peek for that, or a short trailer? No we dont. How about those lives who has lived a chaotic one and was called by death catchers? Will they ever find their way to heaven? Do they have the chance to amend their ways? I dont have answers to that, do you? We are just left to wonder, but deep inside we are assured they are not at peace, eternally.

I miss my brother, today is his 2nd death anniversary, it seems too long already, Bearing the pain is a struggle, but this is life and we just have to accept it and try to move on. As I have said before, we will never get over it but we just learn how to cope.

As what Beric Dondarrion said in GOT 7: "Life. Death is the enemy. The first enemy and the last."

I guess that says it all... I miss you little brother, always!

You Don't Love Me

You don't love me, I know.
Even if you tell me a hundred times that you do, I know you don't.
Sad, but that's what I know to be true.
Even if you negate my statement, your eyes say otherwise, and that's when I know.
Your eyes speak a lot of pain, sorrow so deep that love got buried down with it.
You may not know how to feel it anymore but you act like you do.
Sadness is deep seated within you, and in every pinch, love goes away from you.
The wrinkles around your eyes are strands of unhappiness that has enveloped your whole being.
Every line is an evidence of every tear, of every sleepless and restless nights.

I don't blame you, your life is who you are and who you would have been is a different story.
I wish I knew the other side of you, the one who could dream big.
The one who would welcome the good things out of the most painful ones.
Wake that side of you, please.
You are missing a lot because you thought life has been hard on you.
Did you ask yourself if you have been easy on life?
I don't think you have taken to appreciate the picture outside the hell hole that you thought you will always be at.
Go out, smell the air as it blows toward the sea.
Explore the possibilities of happy thinking.
Let it unfold before you the way it should.
Do not force life to die on you...you are the only one who has to steer your ship...not me...not anyone.
And when you can finally navigate your life towards your true north, maybe, just maybe, you will learn to love.
And maybe, just maybe, you will set your eyes on me...and maybe, just maybe, I will still be there.

You don't love me, I know....but let me love you now..
Let me help you rise the sails with my stronger heart.
And when you are sailing on the high seas, let the sun kiss your soul.
Let that ray of sunlight be the reason for you to smile, let me be that sunlight.
Let me see the good side in you, and if I get lucky, the best in you will finally show.
And maybe, just maybe, I will love you more.

Those eyes, let me see them smile.
Let loose, embrace life with open arms, because you are not alone in your pain.
Embrace the pain, it will liberate you in the end.
And even if you cant love me, your smile will do it for you.
Because when you can be truly happy, that's when I can tell myself I really did love you well.
Add more lines to your eyes, lines that would say you have smiled already.
When that time comes, do not love me, love yourself.
You don't owe me anything, but you owe YOU!

You don't love me, I know...but I am perfectly fine!
You don't and will never love me, don't worry, I will still shine.
Just love yourself, that's for the best!

So love me not please!

The Promise

Watching the movie "Connected", a 2008 Chinese film led me to my blog page. This is one of those nights that I contemplate on things, this is one of those nights I like to write....and thank God, I have this night!!!

This is just one of those lazy Sundays when all I do is, well, LAZE around my small room. I spent the entire day watching movies while finishing my online work. As  I was about to hit the sack, this movie featured  in a local channel came on with a very interesting opening scene, so I stayed up to see where it goes. It was dubbed in the native tongue in accordance to  Pinoy-taste so I was half-listening and half-watching it as I was trying to get some sleep. But the scenes that were evolving before my eyes stopped me from doing so. I ended up finishing the movie and writing this blog. Amen to that!

Anyways, the movie is about Bob, a single father who is always short of delivering his promises to his son. This time, his son is about to migrate to Australia with the aunt. On his way to the airport to meet his son for the last time, he received a random call from Grace, a woman who claimed to be kidnapped and in dire need of his help. What ensued after the call were non-stop action and plenty of phone conversations between the kidnapped woman and the accidental hero. In one of Bob's phone call to Grace, he told the latter to tell his son that whatever happens to him in this mess, that at least he has one thing he finished. If he failed his son many times, at least he didnt fail helping someone. But of course, the good always prevails, so in the end the kidnapper was captured and Bob was reunited with his son thereby fulfilling his much awaited promise!!

Why is a promise so important to be fulfilled?  Is it because a promise speaks of your character? Is keeping a promise equates with keeping one's reputation?

Never promise to do something if you have no intent in keeping it. As relationships grow, maintaining it to be a meaningful one will never be easy because expectations are higher and more complex. How many you failed to do and how you handle it when you do is the key to understanding yourself and others. Building trust takes time, it is the foundation and a requirement for obtaining deeper engagement, but breaking it only takes one broken promise. Just one! That one broken promise if repeated creates a crack and eventually shatters, the pieces then become too hard to put together. We learn to trust someone because their character is transparent in their actions and while it cannot be assumed or bought, it is certainly valued. Once a promise is broken, the person who expects to receive it feels invaluable, then insecurity starts creeping in. When we can't keep a promise to someone who thinks highly of us, it communicates to that person that we don't value him or her. If we chose to put something else ahead of our commitment, it means that something else is more important. Threatening fissures develop in our relationships marked by broken promises may it be big or small. It breaches the trust. What is crucial is that if trust is undermined, it erodes. Kept promises strengthen a relationship, whatever it may be, but if broken, it diminishes one's reputation and sets a stage for a long and impossible road of redemption. 

Bob's character in the movie seems to be a lousy one, not until he had his heart set to make his son believe in him again. He is on that long road of redemption and while it was quite impossible for him to finish the line, he tried with all his limbs and bones to make it, and he did. Lucky for him, really! But seriously, when Bob kept failing, he was not a welcome sight in the eyes of his son. The painful reality is clear, his son hesitated in trusting him again.

It is absolutely true that it is hard to trust a person who keeps breaking his/her promise. It can hurt people. On the other side,  when we are sending the message of tarnished reputation to the people we failed , we are actually telling ourselves that we don't value our own word. We think it is not a big deal to let someone down, saying something we don't really mean, or failing to do what we promised we would. Wrong! Not keeping a promise is the same as scorning oneself. In the end,  it can brign great damage to our self worth, confidence, character and our life. So keep your promise, be true to your word!!

"A promise is a promise. Some folks apply a rating scale, believing that breaking a big promise is inexcusable, while a small one is acceptable. That’s simply false. While breaking a big promise, such as failing to repay borrowed money, can torpedo a relationship, reneging on promises, such as being on time, casts doubt on future behavior." ~~franksonnenberg

How do you move forward?

I've had my share of pains in life. My heart has been broken  so many times by people who let me down in more ways than one but that is too small a pain compared to losing our immediate loved ones. I have lost my father more than 2 decades ago, yet the pain is still very real.   In 2015 I lost two brothers, I lost both of them just 3 months apart, the older one died in July and our youngest died in November, and they are the only brothers that I have. I am orphaned , in the "brotherly" sense. How can I move forward without them?

My father and two brothers went to heaven the same way...very sudden, very quick. I know people would tell me they are now in a better place...I can deal with that. What Im struggling at is dealing with the reality that they are no longer here, that I cannot and will never have the chance to grow old with them, or see them smile or just live in the thought that they are just around and that Christmases and other holidays would mean seeing them again. I may be too childish to even think of myself at this time, but tell me, how can you really truly move on?

I regard my father as my biggest hero. I have always looked up to him. He was not perfect, he had his flaws, he was very strict even, but it is in him that I see the goodness inside a person's heart. My father was quick to trust, too trusting that was always betrayed by his friends and relatives over money he has readily loaned them in time of their need. Money that was never returned to him, yet he just continued to help others, and shared what he had on his plate. Always. He had a big HEART. He never TAUGHT us anything, but he SHOWED us everything. He walked his talk. How can I live without his example?

Up to this day, whenever someone or something causes me pain, I call on him next to God. Whenever I cry for help,  I call my father. After every teardrop while thinking of my father, I just rest on the thought that he has always protected and comforted me even from heaven. I miss him everyday, every single day!! There are times when more than one emotion seems to take hold at once, and I feel as if I'm “going crazy.” Is it natural to feel this way, is it normal to experience a number of different feelings at once? 

It was hard moving forward without a father, how much more losing both your brothers at the same time? It is excruciatingly painful, it is just not the same. The saying that death is a heartache no one can heal is suddenly exploding in front of me. The reality of it all hurts a lot!The reality is that you will grieve forever! I dont think I will ever get over it, I have not forgotten the pain but I have to live with it!

How can I rebuild life without them? How can I free myself  from the emotional dungeon that has consequently built up? My father died even before I conceived Zach. Too bad for Zach, I know.  My elder brother died even before he could finally see his daughter Ivy come back to us for good. My younger brother died even before his eldest can graduate high school. How can one celebrate when the person you dedicate the occasion to is not there to partner toast with you? How back-to-normal is normal?

I have a million questions, yet no book has explained it fully well to me. I guess, There is no magical clock that counts the pain and ticks last time to end it, if there is such a thing, I will buy a bunch for all those hurting like me. While I still find reasons, I will go on living my life thinking they are walking beside me. Even if they are unseen and unheard, the memories I have with them are too vivid and flashing loud in my sleep. Their spirits will live with me forever.

I finished this on June 18, 2017,  in memory of my father Juanito, my bothers Ireneo (Boyet) and Juanito, Jr. (Joey). Happy Father's to you!!

Sexuality - is it just a CONCEPT?

These thoughts have been on my mind for days, so I better write it down.... I love LIFe and I love to have FUN, so in the years of my existence (hmmm...28 as of last count? haha)I have met all breed (whattaterm!) of people. I was once had a group of friends who were addicted to Nubain, friends whose jobs or morals are questionable and friends whose gender preference are on the third plane. All the same, they matter to me not because of their stature in life, but because of how they treat me as a person. So why do these people tick? These people have their own right to be special even if society would label them as otherwise. Addicts are people who are going through a lot of pain and what they need is not judgmental looks but a caring heart. Those people who live in immorality and who take odd jobs are struggling, they do this out of blinded love and hardship respectively, so we must understand them all the more. For those people who go for same sex relationships or who prefers to deviate from what the norm is, they are still PEOPLE - they are not aliens that we should fear. They have the same anatomy as we do 'STRAIGHT' people have - same with addicts and red district people. We are all humans, we are all capable of sinning...all of US! It doesnt make them less of a person if they chose what they did on their lives. Seriously simple. Speaking for myself, I have always constant encounters with gay people - they make me laugh, their talents are better than mine (if we should count what is expected from a woman) and they are so much FUN to be with! Only very recently that I've had the chance to see the other side of the fence up close and personal- and that is the "LES" world. I am sorry for the label, but I dont know how to emphasize my point the other way. As I got to know not only one but a bunch of them at once, they have opened a new door for me to view and that is how they live! That they are capable of so much love, capable of getting hurt and capable of LIVING! It gave me a realization that indeed we are just EQUALS - they can be better at one thing and inferior on the other - nothing more nothing less. I seem to have forgotten that in some areas of their lives they struggle more as compared to "straight" people. If acceptance is readily available, this blog would have not been conceived in the first place. Take for example in getting into relationship, a lisbo have "MEN" as rivals - if a girl is not leaning towards widening her horizon - she would go for the male and not for the lisbo. Have you noticed that for the 3rd sex, love is usually equated with money? If we see a a gay couple, we always have that question in our mind on how they were able to hook up? The malice thought linger and then we judge them, not until we get to know them and understand the situation they are in. But how soon do we befriend them each time we see one? Now who can say that we are better than them? Depiction of these people in the society convey that at large they have been simultaneously in collusion and threatened by the dispute of gender roles, and the society are either fascinated or appalled with women who are romantically involved with other women. Women who assume a "third sex" identity witness actuality that form an outlook relative to an ethnic or olden tribe: as who they are, they are bonded by the scrutiny and potential rejection they constantly face from their families, friends, and the society as a whole. Discrimination is felt in the work environment, political arena and even in the inner circle of the family. Why? Because our hypocrite life led us to form that CONCEPT - and remains so because the society tell us so. These are hard words to write because each word pinches the guilt out of me. Guilt of not seeing it earlier, and guilt of being one of the rest of the society to have formed that CONCEPT! I want to acknowledge my friends for who they really are, straight or not. I dont want to be foundering in the torrent of their change nor give myself a right to resist it. As Ive said earlier, we are all humans and we are all EQUALS - whatever their sex preference is, they still deserve to be HAPPY..and acceptance is one of the keys. I salute them for their courage to come out and stand for what they believe in, they are not just the THIRD sex, but I think they are the BRAVEST of us all. Now, who are you to judge them? Think again! "One thing is clear to me, we, as human beings, must be willing to accept people who are different from ourselves." --- Barbara Jordan

God's Promise + Waterway

She is named after a waterway with a local tongue reference to spirit, soul or thought. She is petite in height but not so in built. :-) She is funny and reserved at the same time. Easy to converse with yet full of tact. Childish yet responsible. Pretty yet very simple. Her first name is a variant of the Hebrew name Elizabeth which means "God's promise" and indeed she is!

She is someone that you can pour your heart out to yet still have that secured feeling that your privacy was not invaded. She is a type of a friend who would tell you head on the gist of the matter, without if's and but's yet would tackle the issue with you. She is generous with her appreciation and with her laughter. She could rant a mile in a second and be fine in the next hour. She is 'away' when she is not, and really "offline" when she is not supposed to be. My pet names for her are "girl" and "ganda", seldom do I call her by her waterway name unless in the formal chatroom. Consider yourself a very lucky person if you get a reply for SMS sent, and extremely blessed one if she picks up when you call....Oh well, I have been lucky a few times.... She is an avid fan of Silvannas....the reason I gave her two boxes and only one to others... She is a bed hog...and all the while I thought I hold the crown to that. She is always filtering information that for months I never knew her real marital status nor her motherhood experience. While I talk a bulk of Zach stories, she never hinted anything about her kiddos.....her reason - I didnt ask! She is yet to tour me around in her pretty small car...and she is yet to invite me to the resto she co-owns with her hubby and brothers. She goes to her mother's house on weekends, knows Comic Alley very well and plays that game I couldnt even pronounce the name. We like to have coffee session both in our virtual and real life worlds. Our left hand is holding the mug, and the right one is well....holding the bad habit... She is not easy to befriend...but easy to have giggles with... She is my budding travel mate...and a sleeping buddy at that! We have gone here and there.....climbed the peak and went down the falls...mesmerized by the century old and dazed by the rough.. Amidst this chaotic world, she is one sight to behold..and indeed a promise sent by the Heavens... That's Isabelle Diwa for me, my virtual friend...unmasked!