Garrett said that "ditch" is too strong a word...he said 'restructure" is more appropriate..but what I did was really "ditching"...because when I said goodbye to a friend, I never looked back..Of course, I admit it was quite painful, end a friendship that I thought i could count onto...but I guess this is better than expect the friendship will still flourish after it has been broken over and over again...I'd rather endure the pain of losing that friend than endure a lifetime of deceit, abuse and betrayal..I still couldn't get over it...huh, much painful than losing love interest...hmmmm, where art thou GSA?
Well, my week just passed by much worse than the last...I talked to the police handling my case and he told me that without the affidavit of that friend, my case wont hold...I told him I'd just drop it and charge it to bad nightmare...but he wont call it...He told me that the affidavit is almost polished and that he will find ways to let that "ditched friend" sign it...I wont beg for his signature, I already did that, didn't I? Did you know that I had to talk to him over dinner and some drinks just to explain to him how important his statement would be, and that time is of value, and with the animosity towards me by the prosecutor, we aren't really on the bright side of the sun....but what did this friend do to me? Did he care at all? He didn't show up at our meeting, only offered a very lame excuse....all he said was I was harsh with my words, how couldn't I? He just wasted my time waiting for him and the time of the policeman who has been waiting for us for 2 days...I only have 1 week to submit my additional evidences for the case to get rolling, will I ever beat the deadline? Guess not!!! There are just people who are naturally dense....or naturally stupid...whichever, I wont be patient enough to hang around that much anymore..
For one, I help without prodding, my brain works hard all the time and included in the processes are those people around me, maybe that's why I tend to over-react...because for whatever its worth, I am after others' welfare, especially if it involves people dear to me...Did that "ditched friend" know that I worked hard for his clearance to be done not by him but by his agency? Did he know, I requested for it to be processed fast so he could use his last salary for getting another job?
No, he didn't know that, because as I have said, people are naturally dense...and stupid!
I just had this realization, maybe this is a blessing in disguise, I tend to be gullible when it comes to relationships...friendships, romantic, peers...and what not....and maybe this year of the tiger teaches me to ROAR like a true Lion that I am...I depended too much from other people in some ways, that makes me stupid too you know...I think it's about time to really live my independence..not just physically but emotionally as well...I don't need too many superficial friends, I kept saying that by the way, what I need is to be a friend to myself...now i understand it completely. What has been missing in my life is what I refuse to see...and to finally get the answer is like finding the last piece of the puzzle I have been trying to put together since time immemorial...so GROWL it be!!!
As I have said, I like ditching nowadays, I ditched my smoking habits....oh, that part of me is SMARTY-PANTS, right? I quit it COLD TURKEY, I'm sure a lot of people would be happy...well, to mention a few, Bill and Dad in heaven are sure smiling by now, my mom and son comes second...who else..oh yeah, my pocket...will be saving enough for my new postpaid mobile, yey...Headaches are attacking lesser by the day, palpitations never came back and my legs feel better..so I believe, that's the wisest choice I ever decided upon so far this year...
Back to restructuring, I am trying to feed my brain with a lot of sensible things..I have gone back to reading books, finished the Twilight saga in 2 weeks ( although most of my shelfari friends have been totally over it long time ago, I really don't care!)...never been so inspired by a vampire-mortal-romance as much as this one did...I am totally going gaga how Edward-the-bloodsucker could love a human being...I love him to bits...I am lucky that I received books last Christmas, that made me rev up my passion in reading...so hopefully more books coming my way...more of Cecelia Ahern's blockbusters on my bookshelf...and my memory bag will be adding more knowledge...
Since my body is going through the process of eliminating nicotine in my system ( at least part of it now), I would expect that I will experience the withdrawal symptoms, as to what, I am still waiting for it to unfold...cough, flu, fever, whatever...so thats restructuring my bio system...Im ready for it...Thank God, I don't crave for it to cause me to slide...so help me GOD!
What else, while I was helping Ningning clean my house, I found more than a decade year old love letters from Philip ,also letters from Mamang, my sister Vangie and my vessel journals...nice flashback trip for me......Feels good to have been "loved" once by the same person who hurt you the deepest...guess, I just have to live with that fact the rest of my lousy life eh? Is that ditching or restructuring? None of the above...?
Maybe Garrett is correct with the word "restructure" after all. This applies even if it concerns GSA...I never ditched him, I just restructured my relationship with him, and I guess he would rather have all or nothing...well, then maybe he ditched me...hahaha..Oh crap, I miss the boy but I sure can live by...no worries...just anxious of whats on his mind day in day out...the Sandy Shortt in me wants answers you know...
Lastly, I am glad I am writing again, of course its an obvious tool that I need to vent out right? But not good enough to make me go back to the way it was, things are just changing everytime...and I guess, I have to go with the flow, shouldn't I?
The holes in my being are being filled out by different influences and whether I get affected or not is something I should tackle starting now..I just have to know whats within me, so I can oversee whats beyond me...this is how Jubang wants to live...no pretentions, no betrayal,just plain living the life I ought to live..and well, if ditching nuisance people is part of that, I will never REGRET doing it!
Goodnight Zach, I love you to the moon and back...and oh, goodnight GSA...and lastly thanks Garrett, you never fail to put sense in my head....goodnight to you too my everdearest!
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