I have taken steps to invite and support real friendships for some people who live with what they call their personal abnormalities. Although I don’t see the way she sees it, she would prefer to move along without accepting my offer, and I know deep in her heart she is struggling with isolation. The human nature is to be judgmental and that’s the flow of play, so sympathy and affection may seem out of reach, and she’s worried about the possibility of a life-long pattern of separateness from her friends, but she is the one alienating herself from others who she thinks imposes a threat to her “abnormality”. So what can I do?
To begin, I’m not sure that I really know anything about making friends and being a good one. How can I be sure now when the one I want to be my friend wont accept me as one? The older I get, the more I think that making friends start by discovering each other. Then if we're lucky, we pay attention, we stay faithful, and just hope we don't mess up, then we have a friend for life. But that is not always the case. Sometimes we just meet people by chance, somewhere, at only one time….though first impressions could be the basis to continue friendships, yet communication is not constant and limited. I would say, I am someone who try to abridge gaps with my far away friends thru communications…so I really keep in contact with people I don’t get to see often, even thru SMS, landline, letters, the web or even to the extent of visiting the people I sorely miss wherever they may be…
I hope that people who deny to live with their “abnormalities” really examine themselves and ask if being in that position of refusing the entry of other people to their lives will help them receive the blessings of friendship. As we seek that blessing, it may be useful to examine how the ordinary patterns of discovery and friendship work, and see if we can follow those patterns, but perhaps in a way that is more focused and intentional. As the GOLDEN RULE states: “Do not do unto others what you don’t want others do unto you.”
How did our most important friendships come into being? Where were we when we discovered each other? Among the dozens, hundreds, even thousands of people we've met in our lifetime, how is it that some of us are still friends after all these years? And why some too good friends you have enjoyed the company with leave too soon? Friendship doesn’t have much of a chance if only one person is trying hard to keep it. It will get lost in the web of confusion and hurt…so yes, friendship will not get a chance.
I was there at one place on one good night where it was planned to be really good, with people I was already close with, wanted to be close with and one that is yet to meet. We were close-packed that night. Laughter was the proof of enjoyment. It was, after all, a visit that was most welcome. We felt young, was groovy, enjoyed the food and we loved the same music. But nobody from that night has really seen the real me. In fact, they only have seen the other side of me the next morning. What I’m trying to say is that we can spend a lifetime going from one ‘activity’ to another with different people and still be alone the next day to tackle the real person that you are (and for the rest of our lives). Because oftentimes, we act different roles to different personalities. I am spoiled to some people, but I’m the underdog on some…so its basically the way of life…and friendships are meant that way too, there are friendships that are just temporary because you work for the same company, or live at the same place, or go to same activity…but only few people are counted to be your BFF…through thick and thin….indefinitely!
If we think about it, we see that one basic condition for the development of friendship (love-at-first-sight being a wonderful possible exception) is that we keep going back to the same place over time. Meaning if we share something that we both enjoy and do often, that’s how friendships are developed ( same with other relationships)…because those are the way to build memories, and memories are etched in the heart not on wood. So in my case, I think the memories are not yet enough to call it a good friendship, or she may have taken it as part of her bad memories…I really don’t know!
The edges are always there: times when we’re arriving and departing, waiting for the first notes to sound from the organ, coffee after the service. But if you are shy or don’t know how to ‘make time’ in those brief moments, you still might miss the boat. Friendship just like any other relationships is also a give and take situation…And both should commit to be active…But if one wont, or too selfish to open herself up, then it will never work, with ANYONE!
We know that friendship goes far beyond simple attraction and ‘hanging out’. It’s far more complex. Once we discover each other, we still need to pay attention, deepen the invitation, and be good to each other. Friendship is a gift, but once we open the gift, we need to be ‘on purpose’ if friendship is to endure. Friendship is a discovery, not a requirement, and it helps to remember the value of small beginnings. At the outset, we’re not asking for a lifetime commitment.
We can only offer much, we can only be patient too long…but humiliation is an insult and that’s not an ingredient to good friendships…So its best that I let go, Im not saying good riddance…I will just be here…and if the time comes that you are ready to accept me as a TRUE friend, you know how to reach me..
