If there were dreams to sell, what would you buy?

My day began badly today and the more I tried to project my sadness, the deeper the pain lingered. I think there will always come a time to motherhood when a child's love towards her parent is measured. This is one of those times. I havent spoken to my ONLY child in almost a month. In those weeks of being incommunicado from him, there was never a day that I did not pray for more strength. I may look tough and hard as shell on the outside, but no one really knows how I suffer inside. I am one person who doesnt dwell too much on sadness so I help myself by emulating Peter Pan. I have a sackful of happy thoughts - ranging from a favorite song, favorite person, favorite adventure..and whatever thought that brought smiles to me. Those are my reliable ammos to shred the pain to bits and pieces.....and yes, it always worked! Today, I needed lots of happy thoughts. I was in my office when this urge to scream and just plainly curse enveloped me. It was damn hard to contain it as I was telling a friend of mine that my heart was just about to explode and that I needed a place to release my anger. She advised me to go home, I refused and readied myself to face it head on. One thing that is always a sure antidote to my woes is music. I have compilations of my favorite songs and when it began to dominate the air, I started to calm down. And then I went to sleep with my happy thoughts with me. I went back to the time when my Dad was still alive, I pictured the smile across his face when he would throw each one of us to the pool - a classic Sunday scenario for the family. That took away half of the pain instantly! I thought about the people who matter to me, why they matter and why I want to matter to them. Every little thought about them added more smiles to me and lesser pain by the minute. Then I finally succumbed to ZZZZZZ land and I was at peace. A gentle hand was trying to wake me up after just few minutes of dozing off....it was Zach. It took me by surprise seeing him in my office after he uttered the words "I dont ever want to talk to you again" 3 weeks back. It took me the second time to open my eyes to realize that indeed it was my prodigal son. He kept saying "sorry" while hugging me tight at the same time. I didnt speak a word and was just looking at him, trying to figure what changed in him physically in the last few weeks that I havent seen him. Oh, that's the mother nature in me that prodded me to do that, not in any way connected to why we had this rift too long.... I am not a nagging type mother, or a woman for that matter. I just asked him why he changed his number without telling me and he was very patient enough to explain why. After that, I went back to sleep - again with more happy thoughts to think about while Zach went to my desk and tinkered with my lappie. While I was trying to catch back the ZZZs that by now were very elusive, I began to daydream of beautiful things. And this is why I borrowed the words of Thomas Lovell Beddoes. So if there were dreams to sell, what would you buy? I want nothing of the grand things, I just want the small things that matter most to me. I dream BIG, not only for myself but for others as well. I would buy my son the gift of LOVE. The LOVE that he can arm himself until his old age, the love that can melt away the pain, and endure the stigma of having separated parents. I would definitely buy him that! I would buy my less privileged friends the gift of RESOURCE, so that when there is patchwork needed to be done in their financial situation, they need not run sweating to look for it in the dark. I would buy the people with so much EGO a GOLDEN PIN to punch a hole to their heads when it gets too big that even them cannot handle it well. I would buy plenty of such as there are many bloated egos roaming around. I would definitely buy a friend of MINE the gift of STABILITY to secure his status, his ambitions, his work and his life in general. I would buy two of that for him so that when all else fail, he has something to help him stand up again. I would like to buy the gift of GAB to my dearest one so that he can speak with kindness, speak the right words at the right time and speak the words that could make him proud of himself. I would buy three of that, one for happiness, one for contentment and one for peace. In all those three, I would like him to buy the gift of JOY for himself so that he can finally go home to his true NORTH. What would I buy for myself? I just want the most simple thing: I want to buy myself the dream of LIFE lived TRULY. I dont need anything, I just want the affirmation at the end of my journey that these will be the words that I will hear from the people who celebrated my life with me, if I could borrow the words of Amy Grant: I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world But thats alright as long as I can have one wish, I pray When people look inside my life, I wanna hear them say She's got her father's eyes Her father's eyes Eyes that find the good in things When good is not around Eyes that find the source of help, when help just can't be found Eyes full of compassion, seein' every pain Knowing what you're going through, and feelin' it the same Just like my father's eyes.... How about you? What are the dreams you want to buy?

Feels like HOME...

Today I had a chat with someone I barely knew, yet when I was exchanging messages with him, I felt there was some connection between us. It wasnt something I expected at the very beginning but rather felt somewhere along the way, do you ever get that feeling?

This man would sometime interject some lines in our conversations that would catch me off guard, and for me that was already something to bedazzle me. He told me one time that he got dumbfounded and speechless with the things I say to him, but in reality, I am the one amazed with how fast he could read my mind and how fast he could react to my silly antics. I would say, we are at par with our elocution.

He is very open-minded though very direct to the point when stressing some facts. He is not shy with words, mind you, and he never runs out of things to say, so the talkative in me cowardly goes back to its nutshell...lol!

Although we often poke each other with dearly insults and brutal sweetness, I dont forget the fact that we are just in the stage of knowing each other..but it seems it is going pretty well for now. Heavens must have given its blessings! Amen!

One thing I am apprehensive about is the cliche that says "too much flattery will not get you anywhere", so its the only one keeping me from divulging more of what is "ME"...but then on hindsight, I am a risk-taker when it comes to personal relationships...so might as well be "ME" and see what happens!

I am not perfect, I dont have a figure that would make men take a second look ( well, if you ask me that 15 years ago, I would have given you outright a big fat YES answer, but not now!), I fell short of my self-expectations, I do not travel first class and I dont even drive! But one thing I could say about me is that I am who I am, and I want to be accepted for who I am and even for who Im not!

For this man who is making me smile, I wanna say thank you, coz not everyday that we get to meet new people, to better say it, not everyday that we get to meet a GOOD person, so thanks HEAPS!

I wanna end my entry today by saying I feel so lucky to be surrounded by things and people I love..my music, my writings, my work, my son, my family, my friends, my peers and most of all, by strangers who try not be one to me.

You are all HOME to me!

Blessed!

Life has been difficult this year, my business is not doing good, my daytime job is still the same, my family faced one crisis after the other and my personal life in roller coaster ride. I would have given up a long time ago if not for my friends who I think are constantly looking after my welfare without my knowledge. It must have been their prayers to God that keeps me STRONG all this time.

My friends are my pillars of strength next to my family. They are the ones who patiently listen to my woes, and not to mention that I have lots to share. (Whew!) I am so blessed to have them around, they give me constant watch and though sometimes I deviate from their advice, they still love me anyway.

I want to acknowledge their important presence in my life, this is my way to thank them for the love and care they are giving me through the years.

Special mention to Jovicar Juntilla who keeps me sane and well, insane most of the time though (I know right?). She doesnt fail to understand me, she patiently swallows my rants and raves. She is always there to rescue me in time of despair and in times of laughter. She always make me feel I have a sister to lean on to especially lately when I am feeling so down and lost.I owe you a lot Apangs, and please know that I will always love and cherish you forever.

I also want to thank Ann Cale and Mark Anthony Besario for keeping me in their wings when I had nowhere to go to. I appreciate the fact that you both did not think twice to have me in your apartment when I was in need of a house. Your daily presence keeps me going. They are one couple that I could share my fears regarding relationships yet they dont judge me when I have one. Thank you!

Next to thank for are friends from Cebu who gave me courage to face my demons and have shown their support by their messages of love in Skype, SMS and FB. I appreciate the fact that even if we are far apart, they made me feel they are just around. Thank you Sheila and Ryan for reminding me that true friends do not measure distance and absence, friends truly can move mountains. I love you both!

One constant companion of mine here in Dumsville is Kirk Tanilon, someone who can make me laugh even in the middle of my hysteria. He can touch every inch of my moods yet he is easy to be with. I appreciate your company Kiw, please know that!

There is also Angie and Faye who are my BFFs for such a long time now. They accept me for what I am and for what I am not. Sometimes I wonder how long could they stand up for me, but I am assured by the fact that it has taken our friendship this long to let doubt set in. So, I am lulled every night to sleep with the thought that I have true friends in them! Thank you Manang Faye and OA!

And a surprise blessing from God when HE gave me a reader of my blogs who appreciate them and let her thoughts known to me. You know who you are, my new TITA. Thank you for bringing the inspiration back to the writer in me despite my predicament now. I appreciate what you told me that you are reading every word of my blogs so carefully to assimilate them. I am truly grateful that it gives you comfort whenever I write. I too have lost someone so dear to me, and because of you I want my Dad to know that he will never be forgotten.It's the people like you that keeps me going!

I may be sad now, I may be nursing a broken heart - but I will never give up on my happiness because with my friends around, I know I am truly BLESSED!

The THIN Line

When your lies become the very core of your reasoning power, eventually you will get lost along the way. When the lies are starting to get exposed, there is no stopping it anymore. And then it becomes really scary.....and worst part is....you cant see the thin line between the lies and the truth anymore.

I have just discovered a hay full of lies that I cant even find a single strand of truth within it. Its really a pity to know a person could web so much lies just to survive...especially if that person is the one you give your trust wholeheartedly.

Call it whatever you want...deceit, hoax, scam, fraud...whatever it may be, it feels the same....it hurts and it is painful. Really PAINFUL. I would have wallowed in self-pity with the betrayal but then I have realized that I cant be crashed down by those lies, instead I used them to help myself set the road ahead and rise above it!

It was one lesson learned, but hey, I love to learn, even if it was hard. I am still thankful that I have known about it before it could drown me. And now Im relieved, there is no other great feeling than being liberated from it.

I may have lost one person that I thought matched the feelings that I had, but then, I would not run after someone who just showed me what a pathetic life he has. If I went on with it, I would have been as pathetic as he is...so never mind my crying at nights, never mind the feeling of emptiness whenever a sweet memory strikes, never mind the little gestures of love I miss....for all I know, they were all part of the LIES.

Life surprises us with different packages...I got one huge package of LIES...but its okay, as long as I can give the opposite of what I received. It will not change the way I am nor the way I see LOVE...shit happens, and if it does, you just need to clean it up and wash them away...no big deal!

Well, Im on the road to recovery now...leaving one lie after the other...I am confident that before I hit the intersection, all lies are forgotten...and so the man who caused it. Once I reach the crossroads, I know the thin line of truth will be clearly visible..Have a great weekend everyone!

Why cant you?

You are such a coward....too afraid to face the truth.
You are such a thief...you took me by surprise.
You are so dense...something so hard to penetrate.
You are so childlike..something I am in many ways.

Why can't you be the brave man who can ease my trouble?
Why can't you be the superhero who can bring back my possessions?
Why cant you be sensitive to the yearnings of my heart?
Why cant you be mature at times so we can talk like adults?

You are such a beautiful creature...always amazes me with your antics.
You are such a sweet liar....you think you can get away with anything.
You are so shallow...even a senseless old movie can tickle you no end.
You are not me...so don't make me like you.

But I cant make you ugly just because I hate loving you.
I cant make you fly and save me from being wretched.
I cant make you run deep, because you are deep enough.
I cant make you appreciate me, so why cant you be me?

Why cant you be all the things I want?
Why cant you be all the things I dreamed of?
Why cant you be the man of my dreams?
Why cant you be just right, tell me?

Why?

There are just so many things in life that we cant explain...one of them is our emotions. Emotions run deeply, we could cry in a minute and laugh on the next. Why?

Our emotions react to what we see and hear. When we see a cute baby smiling, we smile too. When we hear an accident on the road, we get sad. Emotions do not act on its own, but sometimes dictate our next actions. Why?

For lovestruck people, emotions could get in the way of how they view the love they have. It impedes the ability of our brain to think better. Why?

But I believe love is not just an emotion, its a decision. Love does not exist if we do not commit to stand by our emotions. When the love we feel is not guaranteed by commitment, it will fade away slowly. Why?

I met a boy whose character I cant decipher, but Im drawn to liking him. Why?
He is someone out of my standards, not even close enough. But I think of him every minute of the day. Why?
He cant offer anything nor can give commitment, but I regard every second with him as forever. Why?
His little smiles mean joy, and his touches mean care...not even one single glimpse escapes me. Why?

I should not worry that I feel what I feel now, because love is the best gift we can give to someone. It flows freely and creates a magical feeling, although sometimes, it hurts! Why?
I could not promise to let my brain win over my emotions, it is not something I can be sure of yet for now. Why is that?
Simply because I have learned to care for you and I have learned to appreciate your being. Maybe these are just emotions that is fleeting and temporary, but one thing I can assure you is that it is something intense. Now baby, don't ask me why.

Is it wrong for me to love you or is it the other way around?

I met you when there was so much going in my life. I didnt even care how your hair would glisten in the sun, nor notice the quaint flick in your eyes. There was nothing I'd miss about you not until I spent those nights with you. Then I was blown away.

You had this sad look in your eyes, a timid smile wanting to smile more, a humor with pain and shyness with embarassment. How could I not be drawn to you when you always wanted to hold my hand? How could I not care when I already begun?

You told me that you do not like the work that you do, I told you that I don't question it. You told me that its been a while since you have been home, I told you you are far because of home. You told me that you cant afford to waste time, I told you to not worry because your efforts will be rewarded. You told me that you don't want to be a burden to me, I told you to lay it down on me so I can unburden you. After all things have been said and done, I thought I have succeeded in putting back that elusive smile on your face....was I so wrong?

You told me youd stay, but after you held my hand, you slipped away. You are gone....I have to accept that. But why? I have learned that you stopped reporting to work and later resigned. Why? You just quit communicating,why? These are all questions that remain so until now...why?

Then I remember what you told me the night we were at the beach...you told me that you don't want to fall in love because along with it comes pain. Did I ever cause you pain or were you meaning to warn me?

Is there someone else that I'm not supposed to love you or is it because you refused to admit the way you feel towards me? Is it wrong for me to love you or is it the other way around?

From the song that we both like, please say something for me to believe in...

ONE's WORTH is ONE's LIFE

I have a weakness which I cant get rid of...and that of being a sucker for friends...time and again, I am duped, betrayed, misunderstood and mislabeled...I dont really know exactly how I have managed so far...life is just a circus, clowns are coming in with either a sad face or a happy one, and sometimes it takes a while before I see whats beneath the mask...and then i see nothing..

I believe every person has a purpose, some are born from royalty, some become great leaders, some become notoriously famous, others are just born. I think I was born to be this way, a sucker :-( I have few friends I do really keep as my true friends...others for me are just acquaintances, mates who you go along with your journey, but I only keep a few that i will always treasure...these are people I care about and I pray for every night. Sometimes when you are alone in your journey, away from family, you look over your shoulder and you see your friends close by...then you begin to think that they have become your family and then life becomes about them..and when it is about them, you want to build more memories with them, catching every sight of good ones...and not letting go..

I want to believe that I take risks when it comes to friends...I lay down my cards early on, thats why some of them have taken the steps to be ahead of me in the game..and then take me on for my lapses. When a friend throws a ball onto you full of hateful words, it catches you off guard, wondering why it has not been said through the years of friendship...then you realize, was the ball thrown for the purpose of correcting you or is it their defense to hide their flaws? I know myself, I lead, I plan, I create, I teach, I spend, I complain, because no one else does...I try to make my friends run in the same circle, to be one..and I think I have succeeded in that because most of my friends from all walks of life know or somehow has an idea of one another...I lay my life open to people, why? That 3 letter word has been hovering my head for days now? WHY? WHY? WHY? And then I ask again, Why not? Is the person's worth measured by the many laughs you get from friends? Is someone's character based on how much you can shut up on difficult situations? Is a person gauged by the power she/he has over his/her friends? How is one judged to be a good friend? Is it by the number of "friends" you have? Or is it by the numerous invitations you get on weekends? Are there really people who just look up to you because they need you and hates your guts when they have been fully trained by you. If people you have taken with your journey refuses in the middle of the road, then is it about time to take separate roads? Should friends cheer for each other's success and not compete? How is one's worth seen? Isnt it by the life he/she lives???

I have contained the pain for so long just so no balls are thrown....but if someone calls me selfish, bossy, dominant,manipulative then what are you? I do not make a promise I cant fulfill, I dont borrow money I cant pay, I dont make others wait, I dont hassle anyone's time without compensating, I dont spoil anyone's night, I dont go as freeloader and most of all I dont say things I dont mean.

For crying out loud, I am proud of who I am and proud to know my worth because truthfully, I am a sucker who just wants to have friends and be a friend to them. It is all about FRIENDSHIP, not FRIGGIN SHIT!

Song dedication: To my BFF Angie Regalado

Kind & Generous by Natalie Merchant

You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
And for everything you've done

You know I'm bound...
I'm bound to thank you for it

You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
And I never could have come this far without you
So for everything you've done

You know I'm bound...
I'm bound to thank you for it

I want to thank you
For so many gifts
You gave with love and tenderness
I want to thank you

I want to thank you
For your generosity
The love and the honesty
That you gave me

I want to thank you
Show my gratitude
My love and my respect for you
I want to thank you

I want to...

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you


I love u OA!!!

Letters: My letter to my friend Issa

EMO date, 2011

My dearest MADAM vanISSA,

I have so many things I want to tell you but I don’t think I have enough space here….so for now I will just tell you things that are pressing for the moment. I know you are going through rough times…and I know it’s the same thing all over again…and you may sometimes doubt your capacity as a person, so here’s what I want you to affirm in your life:

1. You are beautiful, young, sexy and exotic. Any guy would like to know you better if you just open a door for them to enter your life.
2. You should be respected, pampered and cared for even just for the sole reason that you are a human being and have rights.....dont ever think that you don’t deserve it because you do!
3. If you are constantly unhappy about something then maybe its time to let go of it. It may hurt much, but that pain will go away when it is replaced by self-esteem that you have lost along the way.
4. Don’t ever feel SELF-PITY. You owe it to yourself to be happy, happiness is a choice…so if you are in misery that’s because you chose that….so don’t punish yourself by thinking you are worth for nothing because you have endured so much and to regret about everything is like digging yourself a hole.
5. Feel your age, live young and live freely….my friend, you are still very young and have so much ahead of you…live the way you should and not the way other people tell you to..
6. Always do the right thing even if it’s the hardest thing to do…..however painful to go through one thing, sleeping peacefully at night rewards it fully. My friend, I don’t want to see you cry over a guy who does nothing but insults and disrespects you, you owe it to yourself to stop that emotional abuse….please consider that thought.
7. Continue your studies and finish it…that’s the only weapon you can arm yourself from the harsh realities of life. If money is the reason they can insult you then arm yourself with same. You can use that to improve yourself and be better than them.
8. Do not get swallowed by the glitz and glamour of the other side of the fence. Material things are temporary, but emotional distress will build up and will damage you for the rest of your life.
9. Stay close to your family. I salute you for always considering their needs first before yours, that’s so noble…so keep them close at all times.
10. I want you to know that I care for you…I told you time and again that I treat you as my younger sister and that I will constantly give you an eyeful and I will keep it that way til I can see that you are ready to spread your wings and fly high. Take very good care of yourself my friend..

Love lots,

Jubang

Letters from the heart

Friendship is a blessing, and a friend is the channel through whom great emotional, spiritual, and sometimes even physical blessings flow. Friends can cheer us when we’re sorrowful or depressed. Friends can challenge us when we allow ourselves to get beyond our reasonable boundaries. Friends can motivate us when we’re ready to give in, and they can provide for us when life falls apart. They are there when all is well, and we want someone with whom to share life’s pleasant and memorable moments. We often just want them around to have a good time, to laugh, to act silly, to enjoy some mutually liked activity. In how many ways have friends enriched our lives and made us feel loved, accepted, respected and cared for? Probably, too many to list, and the list grows daily.

EMO date 2011

To my ONE and ONLY APANGS,



Let me start by saying I feel so BLESSED having you in my life, having you so close is too much blessings already, and I thank GOD everyday for that. If someone asks me how to describe you as a person and as a friend, these are the things I would say:
1. You are a beautiful woman in and out. Your heart is as big as your apangs hehehe…not just literally but figuratively…and truly, you are such a good friend..
2. You are so humble. You have done great lengths of pleasing me, yet you have done nothing to make me feel like I owe you that much…that’s humility…and I salute you for that.
3. You are so crazy…just like me….your sense of humor is beyond laughable….you are amazingly funny with your gumption and all….hehehe
4. You are so caring…I still remember the time I was sick and you took time to nurse me, care for me and crying with me…I truly appreciate that from the bottom of my gums…:-0
5. You are so noble for having endured the long hours to work your ass out for your family and loved ones. I may sometimes contradict your decisions when it comes to them, but deep inside I applaud you for having that bravery to face all their troubles.
6. You are one wonderful package in disguise. You may be a small person, but your heart is as big as well…your apangs again…hehehe….seriously, I couldn’t understand how you could care for so many people and be generous with your time and energy for them all….Im lucky Im one of those you spend your time with…thank you.
7. You are so selfless. You give so much of yourself to anyone who needs you and sometimes it becomes a liability…but don’t stop being one…a selfless person has greater rewards in heaven..I know that for a fact.
8. You are so responsible. You took upon you to take care of your family even if you yourself needed tending….but hey, even if it’s a good and heroic gesture, I want to tell you that its not an obligation…so don’t feel guilty when you cant give what they are asking…sometimes, we have to learn to say no…
9. You are an unbelievable friend. The effort you have exerted just to be with me and to our other friends just proved how much you value friendship…and again I want to thank you for that, this time from the bottom of my ingrown…hehehe
10. Lastly, you are my sweetest friend and one of the most special persons in my life. I couldn’t bear losing you. So please promise me you will stay forever in my life….because if you let me I can be your good friend…I love you my dearest apangs….Im saying these things from the bottom of my HEART!!

Love u lots,


Jubang

If you can't get EVEN, just be NICE!

Why do people get revenge when being wronged? Is it that hard to forgive and forget? Why is the emotion of a human being so unstable? Why does each one react differently to a given situation? Why does "regret" comes later?

I have initiated among my friends the act of giving each one a "feel-good" letter. I have given letters to few of my closest friends and it felt good knowing I was able to pinpoint their strengths. Having given them assurance that they have something good in their hearts made them happy, and that was my intention. I have my demons too, yet I have tried hard to be there to these people when they needed me most and I reiterated that on the letters I wrote to them, eventhough some of these people or most of them done me wrong (some just even recently), i just had to look the better side of their character....and there was only one conclusion in mind, I did forgive and moved on....

I treasure my friends so much...I have always been around them and I couldnt even imagine myself letting anyone of them disappear from my life...but there comes a time in your life that you get hurt so much that you just want to alienate yourself because you cant endure the pain anymore...but not necessarily getting revenge just to make them feel the hurt that they have inflicted on you in the first place. I dont believe in the word "revenge"..it is too hateful and too heavy in the heart...what I do is just stay away....until such time I go numb and that person does not affect me anymore...but the process is quite exhilarating, as I am also wishing to understand the person while nursing the pain..

A friend once told me that he cant let anyone cross him...and if someone does, he will make sure the pain inflicted will be more than what he received. I shot back by saying that it shouldnt be the way it is...he should be more forgiving and instead try to understand where the person is coming from...but his mind is closed on that one...that time while talking to him, I had this terrible feeling that this man is quite lost...and seriously, I was really scared....Scared because I realized then that this person has so much hatred in his system, and scared that he has a very shallow definition of having "friends" or relationships for that matter. It got me to thinking, how far could you go for a friend? How patient should you be and how forgiving should one become? Are friends your friends just for the good times? Cant anyone be accepted at his worst? So if you get revenge, dont you regret hurting that person by just doing the act? What is the right definition of a friendship then? Will the relationship be still the same? How do you categorize your friends? Are there friends just for company? Are friends seasonal, really? Seriously?

What am I to my friends? How do they see me as a person and as a friend? Did I pass their standards to deserve the title and be called a "TRUE" friend? Should I really care what they say, does it really matter?

I dont know the answers to these questions, but what I know is I dont call anyone a friend unless they know me, my life, my thoughts....because for me, what is the use of having so many friends but not anyone even know you inside? I want my so-called friends to be a witness of my LIFE and celebrate it with me...if they dont know who "JUBANG" really is, then they are just acquiantances...and yes, I dont get revenge...I just try to be NICE..thats how I am as "FRIEND"!!!

AFFIRMATION

There's this song by Savage Garden entitled "Affirmation", heard this song only 2 weeks ago when on one of our out of town trips, a very close friend of mine sang this song while telling me that the lyrics of same is something to think about...so I did research on it and found out that this song is philosophising about the inequalities of the world from a liberal minded perspective...it is really quite something coz each line starts with "I BELIEVE..."

At times when I am missing my family so much, when loneliness and anxiety of the future overwhelms me, I think of this song and I feel good again coz I believe, each one of us has a role to fulfill in this planet...by God's grace, we can be something in HIS eyes when we just focus our hearts to doing whats good!!

When Im sad and lonely I just have to recite my AFFIRMATION, and I start this with saying: "I'm THANKFUL"

1. I'm thankful that I'm away from home, it makes me independent and strong.
2. I'm thankful that I'm single, it means I'm available...
3. I'm thankful that my son doesnt stay with me everyday, it means he loves his father as much as he loves me.
4. I'm thankful I dont have computer at home now, it means I have more time to commune with myself.
5. I'm thankful that some of my friends betray me, it tests how loyal I am to them.
6. I'm thankful that I run out of money at times, it means I should learn to spend wisely.
7. I'm thankful that I lost my father at age 26, right age to understand death and welcome it.
8. I'm thankful that only few people sees me and feels me, a lot more would confuse me.
9. I'm thankful that I get lonely at times, it means I'm capable of missing someone.
10. I'm thankful that LIFE is hard, it means I'm living IT!!!

So many ways to be grateful, so many ways to live life,so many ways to write it...but one thing is sure...my AFFIRMATION is strengthened because I have a thankful heart!!! Have a great day all!!

CANT YOU READ MY MIND?

I wish I could talk to someone who has power to read minds of people. Sometimes I blame myself for being so transparent, my life is an open book, I tell people when Im sad, I tell them when its otherwise but why is it that I dont feel that they really have connected with me? I am one person who is instinctively honest and open; some would say that I'm too open and trusting and in this way leave myself open and vulnerable to others who are tougher than me. Other people are more guarded and watch what they say and do around others and either keep themselves to themselves or only show a selective view of themselves to others; in this way they both protect themselves and avoid conflict. But I love the way I am....only that it is beginning to be a question of is it the right thing to do or not? Am I getting insane?...or is it because they always perceived me to be the STRONG one? Or did I perceive them to fully understand my actions, yet for them its really nothing? Is this the beginning of a DRAMA queen out of me?

When life gives you too much surprises more than you can handle, sometimes, you let yourself loose and find ways to cope up. Some lose their way through drugs, insanity and losing interest in life altogether....me? I cope up with everything by spending more time with people around me. I just told a friend of mine today that I am a person who falls in love with the wrong guys because my psychiatric tendencies overwhelms my being and I tend to act as their savior which I have realized shouldn't be the case. I like digging deeper beyond the obvious, I like to delve on mystery of each person. I tend to pry out open the most sacred secrets of each one, not because I am out there to be a rat, but because I want to know a person more on her/his emotional quotient. I am just a person who takes friendships or any relationships seriously, so I observe, I analyze then I care....

And when I care, I care too much...sometimes it hurts...
I am hurting now...I really am. For realizing things I tried hard to evade...for getting the first spank of the year...my heart cries in pain for feelings ignored, for signs overlooked, for severed sweet moments, for wasted opportune to get to know a person on a deeper level...and for missing the chance to CARE!

What hurts most is knowing that the person you thought could protect you is the same person who put you in the pit in the first place. Question now is should I stop being a friend after feeling betrayed? My mind says yes, but my heart cannot deny the fact that it is giving me hesitations. I am happier when I have a high sense of self-worth and self-esteem. This means, I should do what I feel is right and even it means getting hurt along the way. I am happier when Im involved in close and meaningful relationships. Is HONESTY not a commodity anymore?

So can you read their minds? Please do!!!!

10 CHOICES for '10

I finally found time to commune with myself in a very different way. Well, the time was accidentally set due to my leg cramps, so I had to call in sick and thought of finally doing my soul-searching-mind-penetrating-body-relaxing kind of way...

I woke up the usual time that Zach is with me...I made breakfast..( the easiest one), sent him off the gate to his waiting father and I went back to my room...got the book, New Moon ( oh well, im behind, who cares?), read few chapters when my eyes suddenly wanted to close, so i went to sleep...

I woke up with a flicker of hope, (from the depression im dealing with since Monday this week)...coz of a very nice dream...but thats a secret for now ok? Eventually, after gazing at my ceiling for awhile, i decided to make breakfast for myself and write email to someone...i originally planned to spend my time home cleaning and beautify it again, but the lazy bones in me stopped me from doing that, so i just played Vacation Mogul and run through pages in the book alternately...between reading and playing, i realized, i havent written my commitment for this year...so here it is:

1. More vacation destinations this year - up north and out...hopefully with good friends in tow..

2. More books - I have started my Twilight saga series, it can be finished in a huff, no problem with that, but have to buy more books if i want to stimulate my brains again...i have to meet new authors, just bought Cecelia Ahern's "There's no place like here"..hopefully, i can buy her other books...

3. More time with Zach - play boardgames( coz he already threatened me to sell them if i dont play with him), cuddle more under the sheets, prepare healthier food for him, ride airplane with him again and bring him up north...

4. Be more patient - with people who are slow, who are stupid, who are immature, irresponsible and who are amoral....coz patience is one virtue im short of!

5. QUIT SMOKING - I envy one friend in FB when he quit 5 months ago and has been nicotine-free since then...I will do it NOW...not later!

6. SAVE - my mom is dead set on this, she wants me to save so that i can take care of myself in the future, which is very practical but this one is harder than quit smoking...so i will really need a helluva lot of discipline on this one. I should now bury my cards to where i couldnt find them, 1 down, 4 to go on this.

7. EXERCISE - no excuse for adding more pounds sideways on the belly, cut on beer and carbs, then stretch some muscles....i guess this one should top the list!

8. Be more appreciative - of little things....coz those things matter most!

9. RECONNECT - TOUCH BASE - with people i care about, people i miss, people i want to meet, people who matter to me!

10. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE - I want to love again...i want to feel that electrifying notch on the stomach when someone holds my hand or someone whispers something to me..i want to see the sparkle in my eyes whenever that special someone's name is mentioned...i want to make my heart pump more blood, that is! It always feel good to be in love, and I want to feel good this year...so good luck to me!

There you have it, my commitment written in my heart, with my blood sealing it....Hope my friends could lend a hand to make these things happen...Its a new decade in the new millennium....39 years of my life has passed...im nearing my 40...another decade sealing its glory...My 2010 will be a better one, that I vow to make!

Amen!

Im missing my DAD!

I miss my Dad, Xmas is not so merry without him....I am missing you so much father....