Myself as a Writer

I don't really consider myself a professional writer. I even don't have big words to make my article look classy and what is worse sometimes is I don't even have enough words to say. I write because I love it. I write to vent out my feelings, because often than not writing relieves me from being upset or depressed. Writing is my therapy, and a very effective one at that.

Since I was a little girl, I have always been passionate about writing. I have been a diary-girl almost all my growing up years, even until now, I still have a diary with me, eventhough I don't write much on it, it is still a constant companion wherever I go.

My thoughts sometimes betray me, so I write them down on my diary. Whenever I like a song I hear, I write the title down. Whenever I travel, I write the chronicles of events in an outline form on my diary. Whenever I am hurting, my diary is my listening ear.

Writing for me is a better way to keep my emotions well-balanced than drowning myself in pity. As I have said, it gives me relief from pain, from too much worry and from being bothered. Once I write my thoughts, a sudden magical feeling envelopes me afterwards. That's how good it is to write for me.

Now that I write for money, I sometimes feel I have lost the magic. I often ask myself, is it because I just write to earn or is it because I am too pre-occupied with other things? Am I not inspired enough to finish a 450-word article on time? When I started with my writing contract, I could finish 5 to 10 articles a DAY, but lately I can only finish 10 in a WEEK. How come my fingers are now too heavy to tick the keys? Is my passion for writing dwindled already?

Now that I'm writing this entry, I have come to realize that WRITING isn't just a process of pouring out my thoughts on things, but it is also a process of pouring out my emotions. That explains the fact that I do get a hard time writing about dental implants, business plans and what not?

I write because I want to share something of me and something that I have strong conviction about. If I keep writing about same topic everytime, the very essence of writing gets lost. That explains why my fingers do not do the walking along with my brain.

I have realized that I am not a writer for money, but a writer by heart. I realized that I write because I love it and not because I can make money out of it. With that realization, I have put my mind at ease and told myself that it is just okay to write 10 articles in a week than write a hundred without my heart in it.

I owe it to the readers to find a good article to read and I owe it to my employer to get the best of me, so I will now write easy and be a writer that I really am. To hell with bonuses and rankings, for G's sake, I am a writer and not anyone's contender!

Why cant you?

You are such a coward....too afraid to face the truth.
You are such a thief...you took me by surprise.
You are so dense...something so hard to penetrate.
You are so childlike..something I am in many ways.

Why can't you be the brave man who can ease my trouble?
Why can't you be the superhero who can bring back my possessions?
Why cant you be sensitive to the yearnings of my heart?
Why cant you be mature at times so we can talk like adults?

You are such a beautiful creature...always amazes me with your antics.
You are such a sweet liar....you think you can get away with anything.
You are so shallow...even a senseless old movie can tickle you no end.
You are not me...so don't make me like you.

But I cant make you ugly just because I hate loving you.
I cant make you fly and save me from being wretched.
I cant make you run deep, because you are deep enough.
I cant make you appreciate me, so why cant you be me?

Why cant you be all the things I want?
Why cant you be all the things I dreamed of?
Why cant you be the man of my dreams?
Why cant you be just right, tell me?

days of GLORY

Kizoa slideshow: Days of GLORY - Slideshow

Dearest Nick,


Happy Birthday Nick. I wish you will find a way to put back that smile permanently on your face. I want you to know that for the short time I have known you, I have come to appreciate you. You were timidly funny and very sweet. My Bora experience would have been a lot different without you in it, so thank you for coming with us. I really do hope that we were able to make an impact in your life.
You are now 31, where are you headed Nick? What are your goals in life? How do you want to achieve it? I don’t question the kind of work you do, in fact, for people like you in that business, I salute you for taking the risks. It takes a lot of guts to do what you do, it’s not a crime, and it’s not a sin…so I have my respects intact on you as a person.

The first time we were together I thought it was just out of sheer fun. We didn’t even talk that much, only having a good time. The second time was kind of special as we were together for couple of days. I have seen how you become so silent when you are hungry, talkative when full or equally childlike when you tinker with things. The short time we spent on the beach while waiting for our barbecue was magical as you have shared a little of your life with me and that smile…I have seen you SMILE!
I know you are a good person Nick, I know that you have a good heart, because you have sacrificed to be away from your daughter and family just to be able to earn a living for them. I know you have gone through rough roads in life, and I know you love deeply. Don’t let those hardships take you down, use it as your weapon to do better. Remember the lines from your favorite song; you have got something to BELIEVE in!

You are someone special to me Nick, really special. It is not because you can gyrate perfectly as Mr. Boombastic, but because you are YOU! I still have so many things I want to tell you, but that would be too selfish for me to rob you off of the opportunity to spend your birthday without worries. I don’t ever want to cause you more problems than what you are having now.

So here’s something I have compiled to thank you for the sweet memories I had with you. Those times I held your hand, those nights I held you tight in my arms and those moments I gave you my smile were not for a SHOW Nick, they were REAL feelings from me and the very same reasons I am smiling. I won’t ask if you ever felt the same way for me because you might give me a different answer, so I will just content myself by believing what I believe now….that those days were the best days of my life. God, you just don’t know how much I miss those times and how much I am missing you now. 

Nick, I wish you joy and I wish you LOVE. Happy Birthday again Nick, don’t forget that you are and will always be my BABY!

Take care,

Jubang

Captured joy

Memories of this photo go beyond the minute of the shot. It is worth the countless times I spent daydreaming, the sacred time I spent praying for you and the time reliving it all.

I owe it to you for making me smile beyond no reason at all! Thank you Nick for the sweet memories!

Looking at the other side of the fence

I could honestly say that I have a blessed LIFE. My family didn’t go through hardships that others did, if we ever did, it is a negligible thing as compared to poverty wretched people I know.

I don’t look down to people who resort to odd jobs just to get a decent meal, if you can really call it decent. I have secret respect to people who goes beyond pride and self preservation just to make money. These are people who would do anything just to survive. I'm not saying that I tolerate people who kill and steal for money.....let me be clear on that.

Now here's a story I want to share to support my statement above:
I have a very easygoing friend of 20 years. Now that she's better off than the rest of us financially, she takes us to places we wouldn’t be dreaming of going. One of the places she took me to (aside from our out of town trips) was a gay bar. I was hesitant at first as I thought it was not a good place I will be seen at since I belong to the corporate world and has a reputation to protect. Once inside, it took all guts upon me to even look at the gyrating sexy men on stage.

We were giggling at first, couldn’t believe the moves we saw in front of us. Most of the dancers were in their early twenties, good looking and well built. There were men who would show a little frontal nudity and approaches table for audience to touch them in exchange of money...that was something I couldn’t do.

I was already getting uncomfortable when there's this dancer who did an unusual dance to the beat of Shaggy's song. It was actually a nice number and I enjoyed it especially when his foot movement would slam the floor in time with the beat...
Eventually I have learned to relax inside the bar, and then my friend called the dancer and asked to sit with us. He positioned himself in between me and my other friend, extended his hand during introduction which I did not accept...I was arrogant then.

I didn’t talk much to the guy, left the task to my other friend as I was so consumed with finishing my margarita and leave the place because by then more and more dancers were doing frontal nudity. The dancer on our table was invited by our friend to go with us disco dancing afterwards which he graciously accepted. That's when we got to talking about life....and my view about them in general turned 360 degrees at once.
He is the eldest of 9 brood, his family lives on a very meager income, in fact much of the time the money that his parents would make in a day couldn’t feed them all. He took the toil of labor at an early age when his parents could not support his studies anymore after secondary school, so he left town. He worked for a restaurant for a while but was offered the job he is doing now because of his eagerness to earn fast money and send it home.

He used his talent in dancing to be able to survive the first night, but he drowned himself a bottle of rum so he couldn’t feel anything. And he went on night after night, always drunk to be able to dance well. He loves dancing, he is proud of that, but the manner that he makes money out of it is something he still couldn’t quite get over with until now. Yes, he told us he has accepted indecent proposals...a lot of times already, but deep inside him, he is wishing he had other way.
In this job, he has met many women who all went and gone because of the kind of job he does. He has fathered 6 children from different women, only one is with him. He loves his son so much, that why he is always bothered by the life he has chosen to live. When at times that he doesn’t like to dance in front of an audience, he couldn’t because he has a son to feed and raise. Again, he blames poverty. He couldn’t get himself to rise above it, so he just learned to dance around it.
That's when I have understood why some people choose to work in the red district. It is easy; it doesn’t require high education and labels. It only requires GUTS and a HEART of STONE. But I honestly believe that if these people do not have talent in dancing or in the way they talk to people, then I don’t think they would last any minute longer.

My heart bled for him...I never knew someone could have so much hardships in life financially....I have never experienced that. Looking back at the life I have lived, I am so blessed yet took that for granted. There is this guy who is working for the money, doing a job he is ashamed of, every step is like every pound down but he keeps going....and despite the fact that he couldn’t move without alcohol in his body, he makes sure his performance is something to clap about. Who wouldn’t?

It is not the kind of living that we must judge one person, but we must look at the kind of life he is living so that we may understand him better. I am proud to have a macho dancer friend; after all he is more humane than the executives I know in my world. If you think you have the worst life, try to look at the other side of the fence and you will see how BLESSED you are!

Why?

There are just so many things in life that we cant explain...one of them is our emotions. Emotions run deeply, we could cry in a minute and laugh on the next. Why?

Our emotions react to what we see and hear. When we see a cute baby smiling, we smile too. When we hear an accident on the road, we get sad. Emotions do not act on its own, but sometimes dictate our next actions. Why?

For lovestruck people, emotions could get in the way of how they view the love they have. It impedes the ability of our brain to think better. Why?

But I believe love is not just an emotion, its a decision. Love does not exist if we do not commit to stand by our emotions. When the love we feel is not guaranteed by commitment, it will fade away slowly. Why?

I met a boy whose character I cant decipher, but Im drawn to liking him. Why?
He is someone out of my standards, not even close enough. But I think of him every minute of the day. Why?
He cant offer anything nor can give commitment, but I regard every second with him as forever. Why?
His little smiles mean joy, and his touches mean care...not even one single glimpse escapes me. Why?

I should not worry that I feel what I feel now, because love is the best gift we can give to someone. It flows freely and creates a magical feeling, although sometimes, it hurts! Why?
I could not promise to let my brain win over my emotions, it is not something I can be sure of yet for now. Why is that?
Simply because I have learned to care for you and I have learned to appreciate your being. Maybe these are just emotions that is fleeting and temporary, but one thing I can assure you is that it is something intense. Now baby, don't ask me why.