This is IT!

I'm restless
I can hear my heart beating so fast...lub...dub..dub...dub...
Headaches are not going away anytime sooner...just getting worse..
The day is half-over....but things are half-done
Am I going through?

Yesterday was not good, what about today?
Plans are all set, but will it not go aground?
The plane is landing and going, will I see a familiar shadow?
Today is crucial, tomorrow is on trial...
Will my emotions explode from the vial?

How will I face tomorrow?
If it cant be seen from here?
Will I rise above it?
Will I face it flat on the floor?
How do I know?

Life is full of surprises
Sometimes it isn't pleasant, but sometimes it makes you gape in awe!
Will I have the latter and not the former?
Which is which?
Oh enough, I just have to brace myself and face it...
This is IT!

From my picture tube: "My Sister's Keeper"

What keeps a family together? Nick Cassavetes, the director of The Notebook and John Q, again demonstrates his sure hand tales of deep human emotion in this inspiring film about a loving family challenged-and-united by a child's illness. Cameron Diaz, Abegail Breslin, Alec Baldwin and others in an exceptional cast bring sensitivity to the story of 11-yr old Anna Fitzgerald, conceived to be a donor for her leukemia-stricken sister, but who finally demands the right to control her own body. The act of free will may tear the Fitzgeralds apart or, it may be the first step to triumphant realization of devotion, dignity and what it means to be a family. ( From cover)

For me, the movie is intriguing, what with the main plot of an 11 yr old child suing her parents...but that's not really be-all-end-all of the story..., it is also inspiring because this is a story of a mother who would do everything at all costs just to save a child, a story of a sibling who would try everything to help a dying sister and a story of a father who has to be strong for everyone. I couldn't help my tears from falling, because everytime Kate is in the scene it demands nothing less than a tidal wave of emotions, like when she was scanning pages from her scrapbook, in it are memories of her with her family and her poignant messages to all of them, you wish you were there to give her a big hug...

Sometimes, a sad story isn't just a manipulative venture that makes you cry. Sometimes it comes from your understanding of these people and how this particular family operates in an atmosphere of love and mutual concern. Sometimes you just have to believe in each character’s strength of conviction – consumed by their own unrelenting drive to save Kate’s life, and the level of commitment is absolutely apparent to the audience. Sometimes, it's a tale well told that brings out honest emotions. Sometimes, it's in a movie such as 'My Sister's Keeper.

My fave lines from the soundtrack:

1. Feels Like Home - Kate met Taylor, also a cancer-stricken young lad...they fell for each other, loving everyday with all they can because it might be their last day together...you would be crying just seeing them together, bald and all....so touching...so inspiring...

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

2. Don't wanna cry - by Pete Yorn - I like men who could be emotionally sensitive to women...and that's rare to find...so I salute them..

I know men aren't supposed to act this way,
but things they got too real; I couldn't stay.
Now I know one day we will both feel good.
If I could be with you, you know I would.

3. Life is Beautiful by Vega4 - Because its true that Life is beautiful but COMPLICATED!!!

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.

4. We All Fall in Love Sometimes by Jeff Buckley - "Everybody has memories of love gone bad for some reason, especially if it's gone bad for reasons they don't know about..and they can never really figure out...that on..that last one was called 'Unforgiven'"

Didn’t we? did we? should we? could we?
I’m not sure but sometimes we’re so blind
Struggling through the day
When even your best friends say
Don’t you find?
We all fall in love sometimes

5. Find My Way Back Home by Priscila Ann - When love conquers the heart of people, it conquers everything....

'Cause you and me,
So happily,
Make all our dreams of make believe reality


There you have it, watch this movie with a roll of tissue....and popcorn too!!!

Happy Hearts Day everyone!!!

I received this text today: " I keep you in my heart and in my thoughts when I am alone, when I'm doing something and even when I'm sleeping...these things I promise you.......

I will always love you...


I miss you...I am missing you, I always miss you...


I will always carry you in my heart...


I will always cherish you..


I will be that something in your nothingness..


I will take care of you...


I will forever adore you...


and take your breath away


sweep you off your feet...


caress you tenderly...


I will respect your being...


will love you at your best, and love you more at your worst..


I will put meaning to your life...


build wonderful memories with you...


grow old with you...


I will understand you...be patient with you..


I will protect you...


My Only goal is to make you happy...being with me..


Make you part of my life...through thick and thin...


You are the reason Im still hanging on...


Despite the trials im going through..


Always remember that I love you very much...


I really long to see you and put a smile on your face...


I wish I could do it all now...


Just to hold your hand and be with you...


I miss you so much...


Thank you for your understanding...


Im inspired because of you..


I thank you for coming to my life...


for making me feel Im special too...


You are the most amazing woman I have ever known...and would like to know more...



I am such a lucky guy...will always be..because i got you...


5 pages of text message...and guess what? I BELIEVE HIM!!!

Untitled

"There is no passion where pride reigns more powerfully than in love, and one is more often content to sacrifice the peace of mind of the person one loves than to sacrifice one's own." --Maxim 262 (Emilie's Voice)

Digging hole

I'm staring at death...and what's scary is..it's STARING back at me!!! Oh, one of those awful nights!

From my bookshelf: "There's No Place like HERE"

Since I'm stimulating my brain again by reading, there is no best way to share it to others than write a review and maybe rave and rant....whatever the outcome of my readings would be.

My first on the list is "There's no place like here" by Cecelia Ahern, this author has already had a long list of bestsellers to her name...honestly speaking, I never heard of her til now...I've been out of bookstores too long that when Im in one, I usually have a hard time choosing what book to read and which author to trust. I just bought her book by chance, that's when I couldn't find the series I was looking for, but I don't regret buying Ahern's book...it was worth latenights on my bedsit..

Ahern is not quite the typical writer, she tends to thread more on whats beyond us....when our regard for life, love, loss is limited...she opens a venue for us to think more...and realizations occur just as you never expected it to happen.

Her line of thought is fresh and thought-provoking...every chapter is fast paced, lingering on the main characters' minds... so surprises are always on the next curb..
I am beginning to like Ahern, I know there's more to expect from her..I think I should buy her other books as well...

My favorite lines....

1. On the dark hour: "At moments when life is at its worst there are two things you can do: 1) break down, lose hope and refuse to go on while lying facedown on the ground banging your fists and kicking your legs, or 2) laugh."

2. On losing a loved one : "Never easier, but a little less hard, perhaps. It's always at the forefront of my mind, every single waking and sleeping moment. The hurt begins to...not quite disappear, but it's as though it evaporates so that it's always there in the air around me, ready to rain down when I least expect it. Then when the hurt goes, anger takes place; when the anger runs out of steam, loneliness steps in to take over. It's a never-ending circle of emotions, every lost emotion being replaced by another."

3. On matters of the heart: "For a while, I gave up on him too until I became too lonely, too tired, and my heart became too sore from pretending I cared more about a whole series of nothings with nobodies rather than a single episode of something with somebody."

4. On missing someone: "I don't hear that laugh anymore..... It used to fill the house, it used to fill my heart, my head, all day. How can I not hear it anymore?"

5. On philosophical questions: " Why do bad things happen to good people? Within every bad thing I see good, and, likewise, within every good thing I see bad, however impossible it is to understand it or see it at the time. As humans we are the epitome of life; in life there is always balance. Life and death, male and female, good and bad, beautiful and ugly, win and lose, love and hate. Lost and found."

Time to go back to my bedsit....

DITCH vs. RESTRUCTURE

Garrett said that "ditch" is too strong a word...he said 'restructure" is more appropriate..but what I did was really "ditching"...because when I said goodbye to a friend, I never looked back..Of course, I admit it was quite painful, end a friendship that I thought i could count onto...but I guess this is better than expect the friendship will still flourish after it has been broken over and over again...I'd rather endure the pain of losing that friend than endure a lifetime of deceit, abuse and betrayal..I still couldn't get over it...huh, much painful than losing love interest...hmmmm, where art thou GSA?

Well, my week just passed by much worse than the last...I talked to the police handling my case and he told me that without the affidavit of that friend, my case wont hold...I told him I'd just drop it and charge it to bad nightmare...but he wont call it...He told me that the affidavit is almost polished and that he will find ways to let that "ditched friend" sign it...I wont beg for his signature, I already did that, didn't I? Did you know that I had to talk to him over dinner and some drinks just to explain to him how important his statement would be, and that time is of value, and with the animosity towards me by the prosecutor, we aren't really on the bright side of the sun....but what did this friend do to me? Did he care at all? He didn't show up at our meeting, only offered a very lame excuse....all he said was I was harsh with my words, how couldn't I? He just wasted my time waiting for him and the time of the policeman who has been waiting for us for 2 days...I only have 1 week to submit my additional evidences for the case to get rolling, will I ever beat the deadline? Guess not!!! There are just people who are naturally dense....or naturally stupid...whichever, I wont be patient enough to hang around that much anymore..

For one, I help without prodding, my brain works hard all the time and included in the processes are those people around me, maybe that's why I tend to over-react...because for whatever its worth, I am after others' welfare, especially if it involves people dear to me...Did that "ditched friend" know that I worked hard for his clearance to be done not by him but by his agency? Did he know, I requested for it to be processed fast so he could use his last salary for getting another job?
No, he didn't know that, because as I have said, people are naturally dense...and stupid!

I just had this realization, maybe this is a blessing in disguise, I tend to be gullible when it comes to relationships...friendships, romantic, peers...and what not....and maybe this year of the tiger teaches me to ROAR like a true Lion that I am...I depended too much from other people in some ways, that makes me stupid too you know...I think it's about time to really live my independence..not just physically but emotionally as well...I don't need too many superficial friends, I kept saying that by the way, what I need is to be a friend to myself...now i understand it completely. What has been missing in my life is what I refuse to see...and to finally get the answer is like finding the last piece of the puzzle I have been trying to put together since time immemorial...so GROWL it be!!!

As I have said, I like ditching nowadays, I ditched my smoking habits....oh, that part of me is SMARTY-PANTS, right? I quit it COLD TURKEY, I'm sure a lot of people would be happy...well, to mention a few, Bill and Dad in heaven are sure smiling by now, my mom and son comes second...who else..oh yeah, my pocket...will be saving enough for my new postpaid mobile, yey...Headaches are attacking lesser by the day, palpitations never came back and my legs feel better..so I believe, that's the wisest choice I ever decided upon so far this year...

Back to restructuring, I am trying to feed my brain with a lot of sensible things..I have gone back to reading books, finished the Twilight saga in 2 weeks ( although most of my shelfari friends have been totally over it long time ago, I really don't care!)...never been so inspired by a vampire-mortal-romance as much as this one did...I am totally going gaga how Edward-the-bloodsucker could love a human being...I love him to bits...I am lucky that I received books last Christmas, that made me rev up my passion in reading...so hopefully more books coming my way...more of Cecelia Ahern's blockbusters on my bookshelf...and my memory bag will be adding more knowledge...

Since my body is going through the process of eliminating nicotine in my system ( at least part of it now), I would expect that I will experience the withdrawal symptoms, as to what, I am still waiting for it to unfold...cough, flu, fever, whatever...so thats restructuring my bio system...Im ready for it...Thank God, I don't crave for it to cause me to slide...so help me GOD!

What else, while I was helping Ningning clean my house, I found more than a decade year old love letters from Philip ,also letters from Mamang, my sister Vangie and my vessel journals...nice flashback trip for me......Feels good to have been "loved" once by the same person who hurt you the deepest...guess, I just have to live with that fact the rest of my lousy life eh? Is that ditching or restructuring? None of the above...?

Maybe Garrett is correct with the word "restructure" after all. This applies even if it concerns GSA...I never ditched him, I just restructured my relationship with him, and I guess he would rather have all or nothing...well, then maybe he ditched me...hahaha..Oh crap, I miss the boy but I sure can live by...no worries...just anxious of whats on his mind day in day out...the Sandy Shortt in me wants answers you know...

Lastly, I am glad I am writing again, of course its an obvious tool that I need to vent out right? But not good enough to make me go back to the way it was, things are just changing everytime...and I guess, I have to go with the flow, shouldn't I?
The holes in my being are being filled out by different influences and whether I get affected or not is something I should tackle starting now..I just have to know whats within me, so I can oversee whats beyond me...this is how Jubang wants to live...no pretentions, no betrayal,just plain living the life I ought to live..and well, if ditching nuisance people is part of that, I will never REGRET doing it!

Goodnight Zach, I love you to the moon and back...and oh, goodnight GSA...and lastly thanks Garrett, you never fail to put sense in my head....goodnight to you too my everdearest!

Not Just My Year

Last December, I thought 2010 would be exciting for me...coz so many unexpected things happened....to my delight! But boy, was I so wrong to expect too much??


1. Last January 3, 2010 - a gay friend who I am helping with (get on with his life from the pits)stole my stuff. Not that I wasnt able to recover it back ( I did recover some items)...but filing a case and making affidavits is one helluva stressful....especially if the people involved are not really serious in helping out. Im still in the preliminary investigation but its taking a lot of emotions out of me. The representative of the pawnshop who could identify the thief wont sign the affidavit, the conductor of the bus who received the other items returned couldn't be traced. It seems that the burden is on me....right at this very moment, Im giving it up...I would never be able to find justice for the this coz Im just dropping it out of exhaustion!

2. My finances are affected by the unfortunate circumstances that happened early on...when I'm bothered, I tend to splurge on food and bring all friends I could gather....not minding that the green bucks are dwindling inside the zippered container. I am not really good in handling my finances and I think I'm getting worse now...my buy and sell business has not shown any good returns coz the traders aren't paying on time and worse, not paying at all...I still end up paying the supplier in full..plus of course unexpected but necessary expenses for the items i needed to redeem because of the thief's doing....

3. Apartment is fine it just that sometimes tenants pay late, I end up paying their bills so as not to pay penalties...but I end up forgetting about it, still depositing the amount supposed to be mine for the taking...grrrr!

4. Zach is growing up to be independent in some ways and it comes across as arrogance to me...He breaks my heart easily...sometimes, he makes me feel I aint good a mother....always complaining of what i provide, always looking for something I couldnt provide, always grouchy, always whiny....he must have been comparing what he has with his father and what I have, of course I am no match to his papa...i got nothing to boast except that I know deep in my heart, I want whats best for him and I just really hope my son could feel that eventhough that our set up is not really the ideal one...

5. Realizing that the friends/family I tried to hold on to are the very same ones who let me down so badly....it always boil down to two things...money matters and person's character....my mother is right, I am just like my father, blinded by the laughter around me...but when it comes to choosing friends, Im a sucker! I am impressionable, when a person makes me laugh, I tend to not see things I should watch out for....I forget that i am being vulnerable and gullible..all in the name of friendships...and in love, well Im the same old me, falls deeply...hurts more deeply!

So yeah, 2010 is starting really bad...I can let go of my possessions, let go of people who give me headaches..but i will never let go of how I treat myself..and that is to treat myself with respect and dignity...if people take away those from me....I let go of those robbers!!! I am hurt, really hurt with whats unfolding before my eyes...and I guess the pain will stay forever!

Wow, 2010 is really roaring at me with a vengeance...i cant handle this power tiger...not a day more...so Help Me GOD!