If there were dreams to sell, what would you buy?

My day began badly today and the more I tried to project my sadness, the deeper the pain lingered. I think there will always come a time to motherhood when a child's love towards her parent is measured. This is one of those times. I havent spoken to my ONLY child in almost a month. In those weeks of being incommunicado from him, there was never a day that I did not pray for more strength. I may look tough and hard as shell on the outside, but no one really knows how I suffer inside. I am one person who doesnt dwell too much on sadness so I help myself by emulating Peter Pan. I have a sackful of happy thoughts - ranging from a favorite song, favorite person, favorite adventure..and whatever thought that brought smiles to me. Those are my reliable ammos to shred the pain to bits and pieces.....and yes, it always worked! Today, I needed lots of happy thoughts. I was in my office when this urge to scream and just plainly curse enveloped me. It was damn hard to contain it as I was telling a friend of mine that my heart was just about to explode and that I needed a place to release my anger. She advised me to go home, I refused and readied myself to face it head on. One thing that is always a sure antidote to my woes is music. I have compilations of my favorite songs and when it began to dominate the air, I started to calm down. And then I went to sleep with my happy thoughts with me. I went back to the time when my Dad was still alive, I pictured the smile across his face when he would throw each one of us to the pool - a classic Sunday scenario for the family. That took away half of the pain instantly! I thought about the people who matter to me, why they matter and why I want to matter to them. Every little thought about them added more smiles to me and lesser pain by the minute. Then I finally succumbed to ZZZZZZ land and I was at peace. A gentle hand was trying to wake me up after just few minutes of dozing off....it was Zach. It took me by surprise seeing him in my office after he uttered the words "I dont ever want to talk to you again" 3 weeks back. It took me the second time to open my eyes to realize that indeed it was my prodigal son. He kept saying "sorry" while hugging me tight at the same time. I didnt speak a word and was just looking at him, trying to figure what changed in him physically in the last few weeks that I havent seen him. Oh, that's the mother nature in me that prodded me to do that, not in any way connected to why we had this rift too long.... I am not a nagging type mother, or a woman for that matter. I just asked him why he changed his number without telling me and he was very patient enough to explain why. After that, I went back to sleep - again with more happy thoughts to think about while Zach went to my desk and tinkered with my lappie. While I was trying to catch back the ZZZs that by now were very elusive, I began to daydream of beautiful things. And this is why I borrowed the words of Thomas Lovell Beddoes. So if there were dreams to sell, what would you buy? I want nothing of the grand things, I just want the small things that matter most to me. I dream BIG, not only for myself but for others as well. I would buy my son the gift of LOVE. The LOVE that he can arm himself until his old age, the love that can melt away the pain, and endure the stigma of having separated parents. I would definitely buy him that! I would buy my less privileged friends the gift of RESOURCE, so that when there is patchwork needed to be done in their financial situation, they need not run sweating to look for it in the dark. I would buy the people with so much EGO a GOLDEN PIN to punch a hole to their heads when it gets too big that even them cannot handle it well. I would buy plenty of such as there are many bloated egos roaming around. I would definitely buy a friend of MINE the gift of STABILITY to secure his status, his ambitions, his work and his life in general. I would buy two of that for him so that when all else fail, he has something to help him stand up again. I would like to buy the gift of GAB to my dearest one so that he can speak with kindness, speak the right words at the right time and speak the words that could make him proud of himself. I would buy three of that, one for happiness, one for contentment and one for peace. In all those three, I would like him to buy the gift of JOY for himself so that he can finally go home to his true NORTH. What would I buy for myself? I just want the most simple thing: I want to buy myself the dream of LIFE lived TRULY. I dont need anything, I just want the affirmation at the end of my journey that these will be the words that I will hear from the people who celebrated my life with me, if I could borrow the words of Amy Grant: I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world But thats alright as long as I can have one wish, I pray When people look inside my life, I wanna hear them say She's got her father's eyes Her father's eyes Eyes that find the good in things When good is not around Eyes that find the source of help, when help just can't be found Eyes full of compassion, seein' every pain Knowing what you're going through, and feelin' it the same Just like my father's eyes.... How about you? What are the dreams you want to buy?

The THIN Line

When your lies become the very core of your reasoning power, eventually you will get lost along the way. When the lies are starting to get exposed, there is no stopping it anymore. And then it becomes really scary.....and worst part is....you cant see the thin line between the lies and the truth anymore.

I have just discovered a hay full of lies that I cant even find a single strand of truth within it. Its really a pity to know a person could web so much lies just to survive...especially if that person is the one you give your trust wholeheartedly.

Call it whatever you want...deceit, hoax, scam, fraud...whatever it may be, it feels the same....it hurts and it is painful. Really PAINFUL. I would have wallowed in self-pity with the betrayal but then I have realized that I cant be crashed down by those lies, instead I used them to help myself set the road ahead and rise above it!

It was one lesson learned, but hey, I love to learn, even if it was hard. I am still thankful that I have known about it before it could drown me. And now Im relieved, there is no other great feeling than being liberated from it.

I may have lost one person that I thought matched the feelings that I had, but then, I would not run after someone who just showed me what a pathetic life he has. If I went on with it, I would have been as pathetic as he is...so never mind my crying at nights, never mind the feeling of emptiness whenever a sweet memory strikes, never mind the little gestures of love I miss....for all I know, they were all part of the LIES.

Life surprises us with different packages...I got one huge package of LIES...but its okay, as long as I can give the opposite of what I received. It will not change the way I am nor the way I see LOVE...shit happens, and if it does, you just need to clean it up and wash them away...no big deal!

Well, Im on the road to recovery now...leaving one lie after the other...I am confident that before I hit the intersection, all lies are forgotten...and so the man who caused it. Once I reach the crossroads, I know the thin line of truth will be clearly visible..Have a great weekend everyone!

Touching Base with O'Sheila Panal Boag

When you have friends whom you havent seen for a long time, there's a sort of dead air once you get to see each other again...but that's not the case with friends with whom you share so much sweet memories with, thats not the case between Sheila and me... She is my friend way back in college ( we went to different universities) who I lost contact with for almost 20 years...(hmmm, dont ask my age now...:-))I was the Godmother of her son...I knew that she had a hard life back then, studying, raising a child and trying to make a living at the same time. Life for me then was a breeze, I had a good life...my Dad provided well and I didnt have to go through what my friend went though. As fate would dictate, we saw each other again on a social networking site, a frendship was rekindled and is still lighting up...nothing has changed except that she is a very successful businesswoman now, married to a foreigner and enjoying life immensely. Im truly happy for my friend, as she has not lost her enthusiasm for loving life the way we did when we were still teenagers...and thats what reconnected us.

Twice she visited me here and vice versa...all those meet ups, we would be laughing so hard, paint the town red and ends the trip with a smile in our hearts. Having those special times with Sheila always lifts my spirits up....and always, I go back the memory lane and savor those times that indeed we are really friends...come high come low!



Im quite sentimental when it comes to my friends, they are my strength and inspiration. I hold them dear to my heart and it goes without saying that I love them. It feels good to know that along the different journeys each one treads, you meet someone on crossroads with familiar experiences and you just dont let go...thats why touching base with her is a blessing to me...not only for the good times that we share but for special treatment that she gives me whenever im with her...with gratefulness in my heart, Sheila is a lifetime's worth of a blessing to me...Here's to our friendship TIYA!!! Love you!!!

Letters: To my friend Kikiw

Natal day 2011

My dearest TIK,BUNS,LING,Fwend;

It’s your BIRTHDAY today!!! Who would have thought I would be celebrating it again with you? That’s quite an honor really to be a part of your life for the past 6 years and eventhough we have gone through a rough time in our friendship, no one can deny the fact that most of those years were all good!! I cant thank you enough for making the last 6 years of my life wonderful my friend.
You are 22 now, too young to really have a full grasp of life, too old to still act childish but quite ready enough to face life’s battles. I am so proud of you for the things you have accomplished so far. I know that you are on your way to realizing your dreams and I know you will make it BIG! Just keep your feet on the ground at all times and be thankful for every blessing received. Remember, we got 46 countries waiting for us…so we better make good! 
Wow, I don’t really have much to say my friend…..you already know what’s in my heart and that never changed since we became friends…I just wanna assure you that you are the most special friend I have in this little island of Dumsville…you know that I care so much for you and I love you lots..
How I wish we could do another week of celebration like we did last year…but it’s Holy Week…aside from all bars are closed, all banks on holiday…I guess our pockets betrayed us at this time of the month…TINGBITS!  But I couldn’t let it pass without a grand salvo my friend…so sit back and relax…
Just before all the chaos begins…I just want to greet you a very Happy Birthday and may all you wished for be granted and that you will have another blessed year ahead!

I love you dearly,

Jubang

Letters: A letter to my couple-friend Marky & Ann

EMO date, 2011

Dearest Handsome and Gorgeous (FEELER ra…hehehe),



I drafted a separate letter for you each but I thought it best to make one for you two as the things I wanna say really is for you as a couple. First let me congratulate you for a job well done in your relationship…..keep it stronger each day….! These are just my few wishes for you:
1. Love each other fully and with all your might, a love given away freely is the best gift you can give to each other. No amount of material thing can ever surpass that ( unless it’s a MAC PRO…hahahaha)
2. Learn to accept each other at his/her worst state. Because that’s when you can measure up how much each other can put up with the most trying times in your journey.
3. Make memories together. The more sweet times you have with each other, the more reason you would want to stay together…Trust me on this!
4. Tot continue to be the nurturing partner that you are, Marky will forever appreciate that and Marky, continue to be the supportive partner that you are, Antot will forever be grateful for that…..in short Im telling you Antot to keep the household clean including the CR, kitchen and the bed…hehehe…and Marky, what im really saying is for you to be patient with Antot’s nagging regarding the mess you do in the CR, kitchen and on the bed…hahahaha
5. Be each other’s HERO….a HERO can be just defined as someone who could laugh at your own mistakes and still give you a peck on the cheek…that’s what you should be to each other…
6. Always AGREE to DISAGREE…when one is mad, let the other one be calm….no use in clashing for petty things as this will just create cracks in your relationship..remember that if you continue to agree that there are just things you disagree about then you are on the same page in your relationship.
7. Antot, you have admitted to be insecure….this was not explained further but if you are referring to your standing in Marky’s life, DON’T BE…we your friends have witnessed the love Marky has for you…you have this MAN in your life, so no reason to be insecured….instead learn to appreciate even the small things he is doing for you…you are one lucky girl remember that!
8. Marky, Antot may be so extravagant in showing her love for you but I guess she just wanted to make sure you get the BEST of her…so don’t complain instead treasure it as those are part of the memories you both are making….you are one hell of a lucky guy, remember that.
9. Take pleasure in assuring one another your commitment….it could be in the smallest gesture of just staring at each other or just holding each other’s hand…but what really matter is the message you are sending…assurance can guarantee security…
10. Lastly, keep the friendship SOLID and celebrate everyday as if it’s the first day you fell in love with one another…..because friendship will outlast the lust and passion and the first day you felt giggles for each other may be the best reason you should stick to one another. CHEERS!!!

Love,

Jubang

True Colors...A Kaleidoscope World

This is a tribute to Francis Magalona...The MAN!!!

So many faces, so many races
Different voices, different choices
Some are mad, while others laugh
Some live alone with no better half
Others grieve while others curse
And others mourn behind a big black hearse
Some are pure and some half-bred
Some are sober and some are wasted
Some are rich because of fate and
Some are poor with no food on their plate
Some stand out while others blend
Some are fat and stout while some are thin

Some are friends and some are foes
Some have some while some have most, yeah

Every color and every hue
Is represented by me and you
Take a slide in the slope
Take a look in the kaleidoscope
[ Find more Lyrics on www.mp3lyrics.org/exw ]
Spinnin' round, make it twirl
In this kaleidoscope world

Some are great and some are few
Others lie while some tell the truth
Some say poems and some do sing
Others sing through their guitar strings
Some know it all while some act dumb
Let the bassline strum to the bang of the drum
Some can swim while some will sink
And some will find their minds and think
Others walk while others run
You can't talk peace and have a gun
Some are hurt and start to cry
Don't ask me how don't ask me why

Some are friends and some are foes
Some have some while some have most, yeah

Every color and every hue
Is represented by me and you
Take a slide in the slope
Take a look in the kaleidoscope
Spinnin' round, make it twirl
In this kaleidoscope world