YOU ARE STRIVING TO BE SECURE
This is the result of self-assessment test I took through www.oprah.com...Im yet to find it out, so join me in analyzing mine...and maybe you can find out yours too!!!
You are a stabilizer: You are the rock in a storm, the one others lean on. Loyal and com-mitted in your relationships, you maintain a support system of like-minded people whom you look out for. (So what if you do it behind the scenes and don't get credit?) You're careful with money, cherish the familiar, and defend the traditions you care about.
What to watch out for: Rapidly changing environments (like a shaky economy) are very hard for you. As a result of such instability, you can spiral into a state where everything seems catastrophic and you're sure life will only get worse. You can also become overcontrolling, rejecting any suggestion that doesn't conform to your idea of the way things should be. To avoid being too rigid, each month try changing one habit. Exper-iment with clothes, drive a different way to work, initiate conversations about subjects you wouldn't normally discuss. And when the opportunity arises to do something new, avoid the impulse to immediately say no—this may be nerve-racking, but the more you practice, the less anxious you'll feel.
Looking ahead: You find meaning in pursuing safety and certainty. Focusing on family can give you great satisfaction. Also consider planting a vegetable garden, hosting class reunions, volunteering as a lifeguard, teaching at your church or temple. In the work arena, look for positions where you're responsible for others, and for making sure everyone is following the rules. You work well in any environment that is stable and consistent. Careers in government, finance, the military, law enforcement, and product manufacturing are strong options for you.
Find careers that match your striving style.
YOUR SCORES
Many people have two or three strong striving styles, and they can all be important in leading you to the person you are meant to be. If you have a few "highest" scores, read each matching description, and see what rings most true.
Striving to help: 16
Striving to be recognized: 12
Striving to be creative: 13
Striving to be spontaneous: 12
Striving to be knowledgeable: 14
Striving to be secure: 18
Striving to be in control: 16
STRIVING TO HELP
You scored: 16
You are a nurturer: You are caring and supportive in your personal relationships as well as in your job. Unselfish and altruistic by nature, you often anticipate the needs of those around you before they are aware of them. If there is one thing that brings you satisfaction, it's tending to others.
What to watch out for: When you're doing things for people only to feel valued, you can become resentful. And if you sense that your help is not appreciated, you may end up playing the martyr. So before giving your time to everyone else, make sure to take care of yourself (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). And practice waiting until someone asks for help: While you may be able to perceive what a person needs, that doesn't mean she wants you to attend to it.
Looking ahead: It's important for you to be genuinely of service in acknowledged ways. Whether you foster a child, care for an elderly aunt, rescue animals, or support a rock star's career as her personal assistant, look for opportunities where you can help other people or bigger causes. Volunteer work has your name written on it, as do many careers: nursing, teaching, customer service, healing, social work. Don't feel pressured to run the company or lead the project; you may be even more effective as someone's right hand. And you'll likely find working with other people more meaningful than flying solo.
Find careers that match your striving style.
Back to Top
STRIVING TO BE RECOGNIZED
You scored: 12
You are an achiever: Ambitious, competitive, and hardworking: That's you. With a clear image of who you are, you work tirelessly to make sure your accomplishments are recognized. Your drive for success extends to your family, and you invest a lot of energy in helping them live up to your expectations. Thanks to your knack for diplomacy and abundant charisma, you often inspire others.
What to watch out for: You are prone to becoming a workaholic, slaving away toward success while neglecting your personal life. Because you're driven to gain approval, you can find yourself performing for others like an actor; if you become overly concerned with your image, you end up feeling superficial. To keep your ambition under control, get involved in group activities that require cooperation. Also practice listening to those around you and think about sharing the spotlight from time to time.
Looking ahead: Any career that allows you to scale the ranks and gain recognition, status, even material rewards, lights you up. Actress, entrepreneur, salesperson, politician—you get the picture. And consider balancing your professional challenges with personal ones: Run a 10K, train for a triathlon, compete in a tennis tournament, bike from one end of your state to the other; or join a debate team, play in a poker circle, enter your purebred spaniel in a dog show. Whenever you can win at something, you're happy.
Find careers that match your striving style.
Back to Top
STRIVING TO BE CREATIVE
You scored: 13
You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet's imagination. The point is, you're an original, and you know it. Even if you don't have a singular gift, you're drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter—and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don't care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path.
What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of "outsider" or "orphan" and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity.
Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.
Find careers that match your striving style.
Back to Top
STRIVING TO BE SPONTANEOUS
You scored: 12
You are an adventurer: Action-oriented, curious, outgoing, and often technically gifted, you live for new experiences. You are drawn to risk-taking and aren't afraid to fail. Generally restless, you tend to job-hop or choose a field that offers constant novelty. If you had to name your favorite place, it might be the center of attention—you're a born entertainer, and can easily adapt to any audience. While you collect many acquaintances, you're less likely to develop deep, committed relationships.
What to watch out for: When you can't satisfy your thirst for variety and excitement, you may see yourself as trapped, which can lead to impulsive and self-destructive behavior—drinking, drugs, breaking off relationships, ditching financial responsibilities. Try to find value in some traditions; if you learn to appreciate repetitive experiences, you won't always feel the urge to bust free. And when a new opportunity thrills you, keep in mind that just because it sounds exciting, that doesn't mean it's good for you.
Looking ahead: Life will have meaning for you as long as you feel stimulated. That might mean chasing twisters, exploring the polar ice caps, getting a degree in dance therapy, or becoming an astronaut. It might also mean reading new books, attending workshops, or letting yourself get swept up in an intoxicating romance. As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you're a natural entrepreneur. You'll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.
Find careers that match your striving style.
Back to Top
STRIVING TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE
You scored: 14
You are an intellectual: As a leader, you're often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you're driven to deeply understand how things work. But that's things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it's just that you don't need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn't your goal—you're secure enough in your cerebral pursuits.
What to watch out for: When you can't find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend's help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance.
Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Join-ing a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive.
Find careers that match your striving style.
Back to Top
STRIVING TO BE SECURE
You scored: 18
You are a stabilizer: You are the rock in a storm, the one others lean on. Loyal and com-mitted in your relationships, you maintain a support system of like-minded people whom you look out for. (So what if you do it behind the scenes and don't get credit?) You're careful with money, cherish the familiar, and defend the traditions you care about.
What to watch out for: Rapidly changing environments (like a shaky economy) are very hard for you. As a result of such instability, you can spiral into a state where everything seems catastrophic and you're sure life will only get worse. You can also become overcontrolling, rejecting any suggestion that doesn't conform to your idea of the way things should be. To avoid being too rigid, each month try changing one habit. Exper-iment with clothes, drive a different way to work, initiate conversations about subjects you wouldn't normally discuss. And when the opportunity arises to do something new, avoid the impulse to immediately say no—this may be nerve-racking, but the more you practice, the less anxious you'll feel.
Looking ahead: You find meaning in pursuing safety and certainty. Focusing on family can give you great satisfaction. Also consider planting a vegetable garden, hosting class reunions, volunteering as a lifeguard, teaching at your church or temple. In the work arena, look for positions where you're responsible for others, and for making sure everyone is following the rules. You work well in any environment that is stable and consistent. Careers in government, finance, the military, law enforcement, and product manufacturing are strong options for you.
Find careers that match your striving style.
Back to Top
STRIVING TO BE IN CONTROL
You scored: 16
You are a leader: You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge. Confident, assertive, and decisive, you know what you want and you go after it. You also look out for family, friends, and community—you feel you know what's best for them—and have no fear of confronting anyone who challenges your ideas. Taking the driver's seat, you also generously donate time and energy to people and neighborhood projects.
What to watch out for: When you feel threatened, or others refuse to go along with your agenda, you can become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial. Practice letting someone else take charge on occasion. Also try meditation; it can help you be-come more aware of your controlling impulses and ease the anxiety that may be provoking them.
Looking ahead: You discover your purpose when you take control of your environment. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you're suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you're given the autonomy to do things your own way.
Showing posts with label Reposts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reposts. Show all posts
Friday, June 24, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Reducing the Ego - Strategies and Tips
After the ego has perished,
the true self rises from its dust
like desert flowers
after spring showers
have swept across arid plains.
(The Tao is Tao, 21)
Introduction
There is no substitute for spiritual renewal or enlightenment. It is certainly true that once you have experienced that enlightening moment of total vision about the true nature of your self, your ego loses its grip on you, and you acquire a freedom which is naturally filled with wisdom and compassion.
It is also equally true, that there is no way that enlightenment can be programmed and scheduled. It comes when it comes, to every individual at a different time and stage, and in a different way.
No matter at what stage of development you are, disciplining the mind is of great importance. In fact, disciplining the mind is part of the road to enlightenment. And even after enlightenment, a disciplined mind remains essential. To the enlightened person, this discipline comes naturally and seemingly without effort. It is a form of incredible freedom.
These tips are for all individuals who struggle to develop spiritually in an environment that is hostile to matters of the spirit.
The advice in my essay is what it claims to be: a few tips and strategies. Nothing more.
Enlightenment is none other than the annihilation of the ego. Reducing the ego is moving closer to enlightenment.
There is no set formula. Once you know which direction to go, you have to walk every inch of the way yourself.
Start walking.
The "false self"
The word "ego" is often equated with "false self", that image of yourself created by yourself, which you accept as your permanent core, and which you serve as if it truly has an objective existence. In many religions, this ego is seen as the core of ignorance. It is accepted as the root cause of most of our delusions and suffering.
To serve your ego is
to worship a false identity
created by yourself.
It is like someone suffering from amnesia
reinventing herself because
she has forgotten
who she is.
(The Tao is Tao, 80)
How do you get rid of this ego, this false sense of self, which can control your actions so extensively? Maybe I should have first asked if it is at all possible to eliminate something which seems to be such an inherent part of the human being. Is human life without some kind of ego possible? This question may be irrelevant, because being totally without an ego is an extreme condition that hardly exists. A better formulation is probably to ask if a reduction of the ego will be beneficial to your spiritual development. Most religions are unanimous in their opinion that the ego is a source of evil and should be demolished or at least diminished.
Psychologists will argue that it is not possible to live without some self-image. It is quite simply the way our psyche functions. It is generally accepted that a positive self-image equips you with the abilities to adapt and to survive. Most educationists will agree that it is essential for young people to create positive self-images as a defense against the negativity they so often encounter.
The word "ego", as it is mostly used in religious and philosophical discussion, is not identical in meaning to "self-image". You can have a self-image without having an ego. The self-image becomes an "ego" only if the self-image becomes exaggerated and inflated. So, the term "ego" mostly carries a different meaning in religious and philosophical discussion than it does in psychology, where it is often a "neutral" term without any negative connotations.
In this essay, the word "ego" will be used as self-image gone wrong.
When does your self-image become ego?
Your self-image can be corrupted in many ways. For example, to think that you have a right to dignity and respect is in order. The moment, however, you feel you have more right than anyone else, your self-image has become a harmful ego. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself. It is absolutely essential that you treat yourself with as much respect as you treat others. The moment, however, you love yourself excessively to the exclusion of others, you have become the victim of your own ego.
"Ego" is often used to describe the tendency to inflate your self-image, and it is often linked to greed. It is not just to be ambitious, but to be "overambitious". It implies that you love yourself so much that you would try to realize your ambitions to the detriment of others.
The moment you see your "self" as a permanent entity, your image of self has created an ego. The ego is an illusion, a fiction created by yourself, and it exerts its influence on you as long you believe in and dedicate yourself to this false self.
Why is the ego such a negative force?
The ego is a terrible taskmaster
who drives you to
distress.
Once your spirit
is exhausted,
you will be
irretrievably
lost.
The Taoist sage
has no ego
driving
her spirit
to exhaustion.
She is never too busy,
for she does not flee
from her true self.
(The Tao is Tao, 73)
An essential evil?
Many people would argue that the ego is not intrinsically negative. They would argue that the ego is essential to "success" - "success" in this case being measured in terms of material gain, or the attainment of honour and status. They are of course right. Only when you have a tremendous ego will you be successful in certain careers, or will you be able to reach "the top".
One of the eight qualities in the "Eightfold Path to Enlightenment" is "Right Livelihood". It is quite clear what is meant by this. You should have a profession that does not impede your spiritual development. If you have a profession that requires or encourages the nurturing of an ego, it is preferable not to continue in that profession, or at least to practice that profession in a different way, if it is at all possible.
Competition - the vicious circle
The best athlete wants his opponent at his best. The best general enters the mind of his enemy. The best businessman serves the communal good. The best leader follows the will of the people. All of them embody the virtue of non-competition. Not that they don't love to compete, but they do it in the spirit of play. In this they are like children and in harmony with the Tao.
(The Tao Te Ching, 68)
What compounds the problem is the fact that competition has become an integral part of countless professions. With competition, I do not mean the kind of natural rivalry between vigorous and talented people working together. Competition often acquires an aggressive edge which turns it into something destructive. A "win at all costs" mentality pervades many sectors of industry and public life. In this ruthless form of competition, the ego is indispensable, for the more you dote on yourself, the more ruthless you become, and the less hesitant you are in competing mercilessly. In this environment, there is no place for the altruistic, the meek, the humble and the compassionate.
It is a vicious circle. Only when you have become egotistical, can you succeed, and the competition makes you even more egotistical. This egotism is permeating so many walks of life that it is now often seen as a "natural" quality. Creating a bloated ego, and not just a positive self-image, has become part of many education systems and training programs.
An economic system in which egotism is the driving force cannot lead to justice, and it is essentially harmful and dangerous to spiritual life.
The devastating fiction
The ego is the most devastating fiction devised by man. It is the root of ignorance and misery.
Let me illustrate this point.
The ego has the tendency to confuse. People with bloated egos cannot get their priorities right. They would often rather work for appearance than true substance.
Let me give you a concrete example. The ego tends to make you tremendously dependent on what other people think of you. In fact, you get people who are so immersed in serving their own egos that other people's opinions have become more important to them than their relationships with their own family. They have become more devoted to pleasing other people than establishing a proper relationship with their own family. What should have been their most important relationships suffer as a consequence.
This is also true when your ego drives you to be too ambitious, so that you want to prove to everybody else and your own ego what a tremendously successful person you are. Again, you could then easily get your priorities wrong, and end up being very successful professionally, but a total disaster in your emotional and spiritual life.
The problem about the ego is that it is a self-created fiction driving you to prove that it really exists. You would for instance have this inflated self-image of the "infallible" professional or businessperson, and you would then work yourself half to death to prove your fiction true.
"But," you might ask, "is there anything wrong with this?"
Of course there is - if it means neglecting your spiritual life in the process, or the relationships that really matter.
A bloated ego is nothing else but inordinate self-love, and as such it leaves little or no space for anyone else but yourself in your affections. Even your "love" towards others will become a way of gratifying only yourself.
If you allow the ego to take over, it becomes the source of your own isolation and spiritual suffering. The ego has a way of never being satisfied. Its appetite grows with its size. If you are dedicated to your own ego, the ego will give you no opportunity to develop your spirit, which will leave you bewildered and miserable, particularly when suffering inevitably catches up with you.
To live a life dedicated to the ego is to live in total ignorance. It is to be in hell.
"Wait," someone dedicated to his ego might object, "I live for myself only, and I don't feel I'm in hell! In fact, I'm having a ball!"
You really get people like this: the convinced materialists, who seem to thrive in a materialist environment. They are the ones who spread the false gospel of the happiness to be found in materialism. They present the seductive facades luring people into lives dedicated to possession and greed. They have governments, celebrities, the media and multi-billion dollar advertising industries to back up their claims.
In a hectic life dedicated to material gain and status, the voice of the spirit becomes faint.
Ah, the degenerate materialistic world!
People are unhappy; they find self-control difficult.
In the centuries since Shakyumani, false views are deep,
Demons are strong, the Dharma is weak, disturbances are many.
(Shodoka)
Directly after his enlightenment, even the Buddha was in despair about whether he should endeavour to spread his truth among a population not ready for it.
This that through many toils I've won –
Enough! Why should I make it known
By folk with lust and hate consumed
Not this the Truth that can be grasped!
Against the stream of common thought,
Deep, subtle, difficult, delicate,
Unseen ‘twill be the passion's slaves
Cloaked in the murk of Ignorance.
It makes one think, doesn't it? Even the Buddha had difficulty facing "folk with lust and hate consumed". How do you teach people a way which is so "Deep, subtle, difficult, delicate" and "Against the stream of common thought"? The Buddha speaks of a world "Cloaked in the murk of Ignorance." Nothing seems to have changed since then. The Buddha's abhorrence is almost tangible. What a consolation to know that even the Buddha had difficulty facing society!
How do I answer those confident, self-assured, indulging materialists? Probably it would be better to remain silent, for words only help those who are receptive and ready for them.
If it helped, one could tell them that true slaves are the ones who are not even aware that they are enslaved; that ignorance is not to know that you are in hell.
How can the ego be reduced?
Will the sage close to the Tao
become extinct
in a world where the ego is the norm?
Will despair drive the sage from the Tao
as his compassion turns to bitterness?
Isn't it inevitable
in a world ruled by ignorance
that the new-born mind becomes a stranger to itself
even before it can take its first tentative steps?
Isn't innocence being destroyed by greed
even before the innocent have a chance
to make a choice?
Isn't our harmony with the Tao irretrievably lost?
Do not despair.
The Tao is in us;
and we are in the Tao.
There is no separation
from the Tao.
Like a flash of lightning
illuminating the night sky,
one instant of enlightenment
once in a thousand years
will drive ignorance away.
(The Tao is Tao, 49)
In this part of the essay, practical ways in which egotism can be combated in everyday life will be discussed.
Concrete examples will be used as illustrations.
The trouble about the ego is that it cannot just be reduced the way weight is reduced, even though that is difficult enough. It is far more illusive. There is more to it than merely following instructions. The reduction of the ego is part of a spiritual process. It is part of an overall process of spiritual development which encompasses all aspects of life.
These lists are not an effort to turn what should be spiritual development into a set of rules. Nothing could be worse. Rules often inhibit spiritual development, and become a way of controlling others instead of developing yourself. But it is not to be denied that mental discipline is essential to development.
Finding the balance between freedom and discipline is difficult. The enlightened person is someone who lives in total freedom, yet is filled with so much compassion and wisdom that she unconsciously lives within the rules. Spiritual development is all about being free and disciplined simultaneously.
There are certain Don't's and Do's that can be of practical assistance. These Don't's and Do's also serve as measuring devices. Measure yourself honestly. Do you sometimes fall prey to some of the Don't's, even if only in their subtlest forms? Do you really succeed in applying the Do's?
Some of the Don't's might seem quite banal. Do not be mislead and do not underestimate how many people fall prey to them. Not committing the Don't's is a good start. Some of the Do's are more difficult to apply to perfection. But they point at the direction you have to take.
Once you have found enlightenment, you will not need these or any tips, for you will naturally live a life of wisdom and compassion.
Don't's
Don't praise yourself directly or indirectly
We are not only talking about the more blatant forms of self-praise. Self-praise can take many subtle forms. Even showing humility can be a form of self-praise. Casually referring to your impressive qualifications or achievements is an obvious form of self-praise. Many of the less subtle forms of self-praise are "by the way" statements. E.g. "I agree. There is nothing like Spring. Last year during my scientific expedition in the Antarctic I missed Spring so much." The ego craves praise and admiration. Making yourself interesting is one way of achieving this. The trouble about self-praise is that you get so used to it that you often do not even notice that you are praising yourself.
Don't try to be the center of attention
There are many ways to do this, some of them very irritating. You have probably met those individuals who always talk too loudly, really enjoying the sound of their own voices. You can also draw attention to yourself by making some profound statement which draws everybody's attention to you. Or you can be witty and funny to draw attention to yourself. Many comedians tend to have tremendous egos. This does not mean that you should not be funny. The ability to entertain is a tremendous gift. The motive, though, is what really matters.
Don't talk too much
Talking too much is often a way of attracting attention. It is often the product of too much ego.
The wise are wary of words,
which corrupt rather than cure.
They know
verbosity
is the obesity of the ego,
the symptom of ignorance.
(The Tao is Tao, 93)
Don't show off your good deeds
There is nothing worse than people who proudly display what they perceive as their humility and charity. A good deed is at its best if it is done in anonymity. Humility that is aware of itself is the worst form of pride.
Don't demonstrate your "superior" knowledge
If you happen to be an expert among laymen, do not bask in your superior knowledge, and do not make your companions feel inferior. Demonstrating your superiority is a demonstration of inferiority.
Don't fish for compliments
This ancient form is still in regular use, and it seldom produces genuine expressions of admiration. Subtly underselling yourself is mostly not a form of humility, but a way of implying your own superiority. What you mostly get for your efforts is not real praise, but flattery, and nothing is more false than that.
Don't belittle others to appear "bigger" yourself
This technique is not only popular among the more naive, but also among intellectuals, who use the excuse of freedom of speech and the virtue of critical thinking to tear their opponents apart. It is a sophisticated form of barbarism.
Don't feel smug about your insights
This happens quite easily. You feel superior towards someone who genuinely lacks insight, perhaps even intelligence. I have experienced people who come to me with their own religious "certainties", looking down on me while looking up at heaven. There is nothing worse than the pride of the humble. I sometimes catch myself exhibiting symptoms of this form of pride. The longer you have been preoccupied with "spiritual truths" and the more "insights" you come to, the more vulnerable you become to this particular mental disorder. Trace it before it harms you. Get rid of it as quickly as possible.
Don't nurture feelings or thoughts of superiority
Thoughts can have a tremendous influence on attitude. So avoid those daydreams where you enjoy victories over rivals, or where you demonstrate your superiority. Thoughts of superiority give you a swollen head, which is a symptom of inferiority.
Don't drop names
People whose feelings of self-worth depend on how close they have been to famous or successful people, or how well they know them, are total victims of illusion. If you have the urgent need to drop names, you are still in the crudest stage of existence. You want to inflate your obese ego with the status of others.
Don't frequent places inflating your ego
You know, that restaurant where "the rich and the famous" go. Many people want to be seen there, and are willing to pay exorbitant prices to do so. Often they do so because they want to feel exclusive, that is superior and elitist. Some would kill for that invitation to the governor's ball. Oh, if one could only be seen with the "high and the mighty", or at least the famous or the shamelessly rich. My advice? Avoid these places like the plague, for they are contagious.
Don't keep company with people who flatter you
Avoid people who flatter you. You have probably met them. It is often not what they say, but the way they look at you. People who flatter have their own selfish agendas. People who are vulnerable to flattery get what they deserve.
Don't show off possessions
It is terrible how some people will buy beautiful things not so much because they find them beautiful, but because they want to make an impression. They want that specific model of car, even though they really do not need it, and a far more modest model would have fulfilled their needs. People would decorate their houses - even their bedrooms - to impress strangers. If you depend on what other people think of you, you are controlled by them. You become a captive among your own beautiful possessions.
Don't use your religion or "wisdom" to impress others
You have probably met some of these people. If you are not careful, you may easily become a perpetrator yourself. There are many subtle ways in which you can become guilty of impressing others with your "wisdom". The image of being a wise man has turned many a wise man into a vain fool. You have probably also met those people who walk with their religion continuously on display. It is not that they are necessarily insincere. It is just that they, somehow, tend to reach the opposite of what they would like to. Demonstrative religion has a way of frightening away sincere sinners.
Don't use your good looks to impress
Very attractive people have difficulty not developing oversized egos. You cannot even blame them if they become victims of their own good looks. They live in a world hypnotized by surface appearance. If you are a very attractive person, you need a lot of wisdom to be able to recognize that most of the attention you get does not touch your true self. True beauty is invisible and unaware of its own beauty.
Don't lie to impress others
A lot of this is going on. Not lying means telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If you take this as your criteria, you will find that there is a great deal of lying going on to impress people. It does not have to be blatant lying, even though that also happens quite a lot. Leaving out unflattering details is a way of lying to impress. Adding or exaggerating here and there also helps to create a better impression. Have you never done this? Don't lie to impress me. I won't throw a stone at you; I am in a glasshouse myself.
Don't gossip
When you gossip, you break all the rules of compassion and wisdom. Be particularly wary of conversations starting with "I don't want to gossip, but ..." Gossip has many guises. Its most hypocritical camouflage is to present itself in a concerned, compassionate guise. "I am really so worried about her ... If I only knew how I could help her ..." Another guise is to feign moral indignation. Moralists are often the worst gossip mongers.
Don't even listen to gossip. Listening is participation. Silence is consent. Take a stand against gossip. Protest if it is necessary. Walk away from it. Defend the persons being gossiped against. There is no such thing as neutrality in this situation. It is the high noon of social confrontation.
No matter what your pretense may be when you participate either actively or passively in gossip, the truth is simple: you are inflating your own ego at the cost of others. You are running other people down so that you can feel better about yourself and your own existence. Running other people down is running yourself down. In a big way.
Don't be too busy
There is a superstition in industrialized society that
Being very BUSY = Being very IMPORTANT.
There is nothing wrong with having an important function. It is a good feeling, as long as you do not use it in a comparative way. The moment you start comparing yourself with others, you are trying to put yourself on a pedestal, and you will be living a life of constant stress and dissatisfaction. You are in fact inflating your ego.
The appearance of not having enough time is seen as an outward sign of success in business districts. In reality, it is often a sign of spiritual bankruptcy.
Being too busy is often an escapist form of cowardice. It is the fear and unwillingness to tackle the things that really matter. Like your deteriorating relationships. Or your own desperation and regular fits of depression.
Living in perpetual stress leads to distress. A life devoted to the ego turns everything you do into an exercise in futility. No amount of success will make a life devoted to the ego meaningful.
There is only one way out of this. Change your priorities. Deflate your ego. Treat yourself to enough time.
Do's
Be compassionate
There is only one great Do. It is to be compassionate.
Even trying to get rid of the ego
inflates the ego.
The person in harmony with the Tao
ignores the ego
as compassion immerses him
in the eternal flow of the Tao.
(The Tao is Tao, 113)
All the Don't's mentioned will become irrelevant if you live in true compassion.
Remember: Compassion is not a cheap feeling. It is a commitment to be constructive and to care for others. You can help others, whether you feel like it or not. If you allow your feelings to run you, you will end up helping only yourself.
Ignore the ego. There is nothing more devastating to the ego than to be ignored. It pines, fades and finally loses its influence.
Accept emptiness
Like ice drifting on a river
at the end of winter,
he faded into emptiness
as he moved with Tao.
(The Tao is Tao, 19)
The ego is part of the illusion of a permanent core in the human being. It is only when you accept that apart from the various aggregates functioning interdependently in you, you are basically "empty", that you can truly conquer the ego.
The moment you have stripped yourself of your "false self" or your ego, only emptiness remains. You come face to face with reality, your "true self", which is in fact complete emptiness, where no "self" exists. This is enlightenment. It is when you realize on a spiritual level that you are completely empty, that "self" does not exist, and that you are an indivisible part of the emptiness around you, of the totality of things.
Once you are in contact with your true self or emptiness, you will live in harmony with the Tao. You will have conquered fear, for if you are empty, you have nothing to lose. You will be compassionate. You will be liberated.
The courage
to show compassion
comes from
the acceptance of
emptiness.
(The Tao is Tao, 15)
Pay the price
Enlightenment is not gain;
it is the loss of everything dear.
Even wisdom and truth disappear
when only silence and emptiness remain.
(The Tao is Tao, 56)
There is no denying it. Enlightenment has its price. Getting rid of the ego mostly means also sacrificing your status in a world which is taken in by the superficial. If you reduce your ego in a society which is serving the ego, you will become invisible:
The humble man close to Tao
becomes less every day.
When he has lost himself completely,
only his true self remains.
(The Tao is Tao, 55)
Curb your desires
To eliminate the ego is also to curb your desires:
Desire is the fuel of the ego.
You will never find your true self
as long as this fire burns in you.
Even the desire to be virtuous
will corrupt you in the end.
True goodness comes from emptiness,
where thinking has stopped and
the fire has been extinguished.
(The Tao is Tao, 74)
There is no other way but the way of detachment. Unless you can free yourself from your materialism and the consumerism of a society preoccupied with materialistic aims, as well as your longing for status and recognition, you will never be able to come into harmony with the Tao.
Be moderate and humble
The natural way is one of moderation and humility, which is only possible if you accept that your ego is illusionary. It is the wisdom to know that you are wasting your precious time if you work for something that is illusionary. It is the only way you will find peace.
The truly enlightened
look into the mirror
to find
only emptiness
in its reflection.
(The Tao is Tao, 80)
Be silent when you have nothing to say
"Nothing" in this context includes talking nonsense just because you want to be heard. Don't feel yourself obliged to maintain conversation, not even when you are a host. The worst form of "nothing" you can speak is of the damaging kind. Listen more than you speak. It not only turns you into pleasant company, but it also gives you time to listen to your own thoughts before you give them air. More important still, it gives you time to really listen to other people. Really listening to other people gives you the opportunity to be supportive and constructive.
Meditate regularly
Find a form of meditation that suits your needs, time restraints and temperament. Correct forms of meditation have a way of preparing you for life out there and revitalizing your spirit. They bring you closer to your true self and they reduce your ego.
Spend time with uplifting company
The ideal is to have honest, compassionate friends who will support you in need, and will not hesitate to tell you when you are wrong, or getting too fatheaded. There is nothing like truth to cut you down to size. Like most spiritual growth, it can be painful. Cherish these friends if you should find them. There are not too many of them around. Another group that could be of benefit to you are people who share your convictions, commitments and beliefs. But be careful: groups may have a potential to be helpful, but they also have the tendency to be destructive. Be part of them, but remain independent of the group mind.
Utilize victory and defeat for spiritual growth
Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she needs to do and demands nothing of others.
(Tao te Ching, 79)
Regular portions of humble pie are good for the spirit. This, however, depends on how you digest moments of defeat. If defeat is synonymous with humiliation to you, your ego is running your life. If you blame others for your failure, you are hiding behind your own ego. See failure as the opportunity to learn. With learning, I don't mean learning the wrong lessons, but the right ones. The right lessons will always involve determining where you have failed in being compassionate, why you have too much ego, and finally how to deflate your bloated self-image. Failure and defeat, more than any other experience, serve as opportunities to measure your spiritual development.
Victory and success can be infinitely more dangerous than defeat, for they tend to intoxicate and inflate the ego. How you deal with success is therefore also crucial to your spiritual development. Success should not lead to arrogance, but to humility. Not the false kind of demonstrative humility underlining superiority. Real humility, where you realize that you are as transient and empty as your less successful peers.
Defeat and failure provide you with the opportunity to increase your empathy, like all suffering does. Victory and success tend to decrease compassion in you, and they are therefore far more dangerous in their potential to corrupt.
Sometimes, compassion will demand from you that you eat humble pie. It could be that you have to stand back to allow someone else to take the glory, or to develop and learn. Good mothers do that every day. Or sometimes you have to endure humiliation for the sake of your beloved. How many fathers and mothers do not have to swallow their pride when they are treated unfairly, so that they can keep that job and feed their children? Compassion has a way of turning what others see as defeat into victory for you. This victory of compassion is often silent and only you would know about it. Self-sacrifice for the sake of others often has a bitter taste, but it is true victory, for it is the hidden victory of the spirit over the ego.
Be committed
Reducing the ego is not easy. You will suffer many setbacks. You often have to overcome cultural conditioning and education. You may come into situations or come into conflict with people that bring out the worst in you. In our society which runs on greed, you have to overcome a barrage of negative stimuli incessantly encouraging you to inflate your ego. The trouble is that the ego can become so much part of you that it becomes invisible to you and feels like a "natural" part of you. The worst thing that can happen to you is to accept it as a "natural" part of you, for then it will control your actions. The ego is a tricky customer, for it manipulates you in all kinds of innocent guises. Just don't let anyone persuade you that the ego is anything else but the ego. Or that it is vital. The activities for which an ego is essential are those activities you should avoid. No matter how many setbacks you suffer, stay stubbornly opposed to it. Stay committed to getting rid of it. Don't give up. Commitment is everything.
When you expect it least,
the ego,
declared dead,
will surge into your mind,
and in an instant
you will seem so far removed from Tao
as heaven from earth.
Has it ever happened to you?
Don't despair.
Let it go.
Do what comes next.
Accepting failure
is a humbling experience
akin to enlightenment.
In an instant you will discover
that heaven and earth are one and
that you have never been separated from Tao.
The Taoist sage
lives in harmony with failure
and never fails.
(The Tao is Tao, 70)
The reward and the danger
The reward for eliminating the ego is tremendous. It has been given many names: Enlightenment, Bodhi, Satori, Nirvana, Heaven. The reward is peace and equanimity, and tremendous spiritual power.
Yet the lure of reward carries its own dangers. If you should for one moment work to reduce your ego for the sake of personal reward, you will pervert everything you have set out to do, for you will then be serving none other than the very ego you are supposed to destroy. You will have fallen for the most cunning disguise of the ego - that of a permanent "soul" which you have to serve so that it can get all kinds of "spiritual" rewards, like an eternal life in heaven.
Many who "dedicate their lives" to truth or a cause or religion in fact work for their own rewards. You recognize them easily by their inflated egos, and their ignorance of their own self-righteousness, arrogance and vanity.
The Taoist sage goes the way of the Tao not for reward, but because she is in harmony with the Tao.
She cannot do anything else.
The ignorantly sincere
vainly try to reduce their egos,
but their egos grow only bigger.
The wise person
ignores his ego
and serves selflessly,
so that his self,
starved of thought,
disappears.
The person in total harmony with the Tao
has no ego,
for she has entered
emptiness
and lives
with compassion.
(The Tao is Tao, 133)
______________________________________________________________________________
© Jos Slabbert 2001
Postal Address: P.O. Box 4037, Vineta, Namibia
Fax No.: 09264 64 46 1014 E-Mail: jos_slabbert@hotmail.com
This passage or excerpts from it may be reproduced for non-profit motives.
the true self rises from its dust
like desert flowers
after spring showers
have swept across arid plains.
(The Tao is Tao, 21)
Introduction
There is no substitute for spiritual renewal or enlightenment. It is certainly true that once you have experienced that enlightening moment of total vision about the true nature of your self, your ego loses its grip on you, and you acquire a freedom which is naturally filled with wisdom and compassion.
It is also equally true, that there is no way that enlightenment can be programmed and scheduled. It comes when it comes, to every individual at a different time and stage, and in a different way.
No matter at what stage of development you are, disciplining the mind is of great importance. In fact, disciplining the mind is part of the road to enlightenment. And even after enlightenment, a disciplined mind remains essential. To the enlightened person, this discipline comes naturally and seemingly without effort. It is a form of incredible freedom.
These tips are for all individuals who struggle to develop spiritually in an environment that is hostile to matters of the spirit.
The advice in my essay is what it claims to be: a few tips and strategies. Nothing more.
Enlightenment is none other than the annihilation of the ego. Reducing the ego is moving closer to enlightenment.
There is no set formula. Once you know which direction to go, you have to walk every inch of the way yourself.
Start walking.
The "false self"
The word "ego" is often equated with "false self", that image of yourself created by yourself, which you accept as your permanent core, and which you serve as if it truly has an objective existence. In many religions, this ego is seen as the core of ignorance. It is accepted as the root cause of most of our delusions and suffering.
To serve your ego is
to worship a false identity
created by yourself.
It is like someone suffering from amnesia
reinventing herself because
she has forgotten
who she is.
(The Tao is Tao, 80)
How do you get rid of this ego, this false sense of self, which can control your actions so extensively? Maybe I should have first asked if it is at all possible to eliminate something which seems to be such an inherent part of the human being. Is human life without some kind of ego possible? This question may be irrelevant, because being totally without an ego is an extreme condition that hardly exists. A better formulation is probably to ask if a reduction of the ego will be beneficial to your spiritual development. Most religions are unanimous in their opinion that the ego is a source of evil and should be demolished or at least diminished.
Psychologists will argue that it is not possible to live without some self-image. It is quite simply the way our psyche functions. It is generally accepted that a positive self-image equips you with the abilities to adapt and to survive. Most educationists will agree that it is essential for young people to create positive self-images as a defense against the negativity they so often encounter.
The word "ego", as it is mostly used in religious and philosophical discussion, is not identical in meaning to "self-image". You can have a self-image without having an ego. The self-image becomes an "ego" only if the self-image becomes exaggerated and inflated. So, the term "ego" mostly carries a different meaning in religious and philosophical discussion than it does in psychology, where it is often a "neutral" term without any negative connotations.
In this essay, the word "ego" will be used as self-image gone wrong.
When does your self-image become ego?
Your self-image can be corrupted in many ways. For example, to think that you have a right to dignity and respect is in order. The moment, however, you feel you have more right than anyone else, your self-image has become a harmful ego. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself. It is absolutely essential that you treat yourself with as much respect as you treat others. The moment, however, you love yourself excessively to the exclusion of others, you have become the victim of your own ego.
"Ego" is often used to describe the tendency to inflate your self-image, and it is often linked to greed. It is not just to be ambitious, but to be "overambitious". It implies that you love yourself so much that you would try to realize your ambitions to the detriment of others.
The moment you see your "self" as a permanent entity, your image of self has created an ego. The ego is an illusion, a fiction created by yourself, and it exerts its influence on you as long you believe in and dedicate yourself to this false self.
Why is the ego such a negative force?
The ego is a terrible taskmaster
who drives you to
distress.
Once your spirit
is exhausted,
you will be
irretrievably
lost.
The Taoist sage
has no ego
driving
her spirit
to exhaustion.
She is never too busy,
for she does not flee
from her true self.
(The Tao is Tao, 73)
An essential evil?
Many people would argue that the ego is not intrinsically negative. They would argue that the ego is essential to "success" - "success" in this case being measured in terms of material gain, or the attainment of honour and status. They are of course right. Only when you have a tremendous ego will you be successful in certain careers, or will you be able to reach "the top".
One of the eight qualities in the "Eightfold Path to Enlightenment" is "Right Livelihood". It is quite clear what is meant by this. You should have a profession that does not impede your spiritual development. If you have a profession that requires or encourages the nurturing of an ego, it is preferable not to continue in that profession, or at least to practice that profession in a different way, if it is at all possible.
Competition - the vicious circle
The best athlete wants his opponent at his best. The best general enters the mind of his enemy. The best businessman serves the communal good. The best leader follows the will of the people. All of them embody the virtue of non-competition. Not that they don't love to compete, but they do it in the spirit of play. In this they are like children and in harmony with the Tao.
(The Tao Te Ching, 68)
What compounds the problem is the fact that competition has become an integral part of countless professions. With competition, I do not mean the kind of natural rivalry between vigorous and talented people working together. Competition often acquires an aggressive edge which turns it into something destructive. A "win at all costs" mentality pervades many sectors of industry and public life. In this ruthless form of competition, the ego is indispensable, for the more you dote on yourself, the more ruthless you become, and the less hesitant you are in competing mercilessly. In this environment, there is no place for the altruistic, the meek, the humble and the compassionate.
It is a vicious circle. Only when you have become egotistical, can you succeed, and the competition makes you even more egotistical. This egotism is permeating so many walks of life that it is now often seen as a "natural" quality. Creating a bloated ego, and not just a positive self-image, has become part of many education systems and training programs.
An economic system in which egotism is the driving force cannot lead to justice, and it is essentially harmful and dangerous to spiritual life.
The devastating fiction
The ego is the most devastating fiction devised by man. It is the root of ignorance and misery.
Let me illustrate this point.
The ego has the tendency to confuse. People with bloated egos cannot get their priorities right. They would often rather work for appearance than true substance.
Let me give you a concrete example. The ego tends to make you tremendously dependent on what other people think of you. In fact, you get people who are so immersed in serving their own egos that other people's opinions have become more important to them than their relationships with their own family. They have become more devoted to pleasing other people than establishing a proper relationship with their own family. What should have been their most important relationships suffer as a consequence.
This is also true when your ego drives you to be too ambitious, so that you want to prove to everybody else and your own ego what a tremendously successful person you are. Again, you could then easily get your priorities wrong, and end up being very successful professionally, but a total disaster in your emotional and spiritual life.
The problem about the ego is that it is a self-created fiction driving you to prove that it really exists. You would for instance have this inflated self-image of the "infallible" professional or businessperson, and you would then work yourself half to death to prove your fiction true.
"But," you might ask, "is there anything wrong with this?"
Of course there is - if it means neglecting your spiritual life in the process, or the relationships that really matter.
A bloated ego is nothing else but inordinate self-love, and as such it leaves little or no space for anyone else but yourself in your affections. Even your "love" towards others will become a way of gratifying only yourself.
If you allow the ego to take over, it becomes the source of your own isolation and spiritual suffering. The ego has a way of never being satisfied. Its appetite grows with its size. If you are dedicated to your own ego, the ego will give you no opportunity to develop your spirit, which will leave you bewildered and miserable, particularly when suffering inevitably catches up with you.
To live a life dedicated to the ego is to live in total ignorance. It is to be in hell.
"Wait," someone dedicated to his ego might object, "I live for myself only, and I don't feel I'm in hell! In fact, I'm having a ball!"
You really get people like this: the convinced materialists, who seem to thrive in a materialist environment. They are the ones who spread the false gospel of the happiness to be found in materialism. They present the seductive facades luring people into lives dedicated to possession and greed. They have governments, celebrities, the media and multi-billion dollar advertising industries to back up their claims.
In a hectic life dedicated to material gain and status, the voice of the spirit becomes faint.
Ah, the degenerate materialistic world!
People are unhappy; they find self-control difficult.
In the centuries since Shakyumani, false views are deep,
Demons are strong, the Dharma is weak, disturbances are many.
(Shodoka)
Directly after his enlightenment, even the Buddha was in despair about whether he should endeavour to spread his truth among a population not ready for it.
This that through many toils I've won –
Enough! Why should I make it known
By folk with lust and hate consumed
Not this the Truth that can be grasped!
Against the stream of common thought,
Deep, subtle, difficult, delicate,
Unseen ‘twill be the passion's slaves
Cloaked in the murk of Ignorance.
It makes one think, doesn't it? Even the Buddha had difficulty facing "folk with lust and hate consumed". How do you teach people a way which is so "Deep, subtle, difficult, delicate" and "Against the stream of common thought"? The Buddha speaks of a world "Cloaked in the murk of Ignorance." Nothing seems to have changed since then. The Buddha's abhorrence is almost tangible. What a consolation to know that even the Buddha had difficulty facing society!
How do I answer those confident, self-assured, indulging materialists? Probably it would be better to remain silent, for words only help those who are receptive and ready for them.
If it helped, one could tell them that true slaves are the ones who are not even aware that they are enslaved; that ignorance is not to know that you are in hell.
How can the ego be reduced?
Will the sage close to the Tao
become extinct
in a world where the ego is the norm?
Will despair drive the sage from the Tao
as his compassion turns to bitterness?
Isn't it inevitable
in a world ruled by ignorance
that the new-born mind becomes a stranger to itself
even before it can take its first tentative steps?
Isn't innocence being destroyed by greed
even before the innocent have a chance
to make a choice?
Isn't our harmony with the Tao irretrievably lost?
Do not despair.
The Tao is in us;
and we are in the Tao.
There is no separation
from the Tao.
Like a flash of lightning
illuminating the night sky,
one instant of enlightenment
once in a thousand years
will drive ignorance away.
(The Tao is Tao, 49)
In this part of the essay, practical ways in which egotism can be combated in everyday life will be discussed.
Concrete examples will be used as illustrations.
The trouble about the ego is that it cannot just be reduced the way weight is reduced, even though that is difficult enough. It is far more illusive. There is more to it than merely following instructions. The reduction of the ego is part of a spiritual process. It is part of an overall process of spiritual development which encompasses all aspects of life.
These lists are not an effort to turn what should be spiritual development into a set of rules. Nothing could be worse. Rules often inhibit spiritual development, and become a way of controlling others instead of developing yourself. But it is not to be denied that mental discipline is essential to development.
Finding the balance between freedom and discipline is difficult. The enlightened person is someone who lives in total freedom, yet is filled with so much compassion and wisdom that she unconsciously lives within the rules. Spiritual development is all about being free and disciplined simultaneously.
There are certain Don't's and Do's that can be of practical assistance. These Don't's and Do's also serve as measuring devices. Measure yourself honestly. Do you sometimes fall prey to some of the Don't's, even if only in their subtlest forms? Do you really succeed in applying the Do's?
Some of the Don't's might seem quite banal. Do not be mislead and do not underestimate how many people fall prey to them. Not committing the Don't's is a good start. Some of the Do's are more difficult to apply to perfection. But they point at the direction you have to take.
Once you have found enlightenment, you will not need these or any tips, for you will naturally live a life of wisdom and compassion.
Don't's
Don't praise yourself directly or indirectly
We are not only talking about the more blatant forms of self-praise. Self-praise can take many subtle forms. Even showing humility can be a form of self-praise. Casually referring to your impressive qualifications or achievements is an obvious form of self-praise. Many of the less subtle forms of self-praise are "by the way" statements. E.g. "I agree. There is nothing like Spring. Last year during my scientific expedition in the Antarctic I missed Spring so much." The ego craves praise and admiration. Making yourself interesting is one way of achieving this. The trouble about self-praise is that you get so used to it that you often do not even notice that you are praising yourself.
Don't try to be the center of attention
There are many ways to do this, some of them very irritating. You have probably met those individuals who always talk too loudly, really enjoying the sound of their own voices. You can also draw attention to yourself by making some profound statement which draws everybody's attention to you. Or you can be witty and funny to draw attention to yourself. Many comedians tend to have tremendous egos. This does not mean that you should not be funny. The ability to entertain is a tremendous gift. The motive, though, is what really matters.
Don't talk too much
Talking too much is often a way of attracting attention. It is often the product of too much ego.
The wise are wary of words,
which corrupt rather than cure.
They know
verbosity
is the obesity of the ego,
the symptom of ignorance.
(The Tao is Tao, 93)
Don't show off your good deeds
There is nothing worse than people who proudly display what they perceive as their humility and charity. A good deed is at its best if it is done in anonymity. Humility that is aware of itself is the worst form of pride.
Don't demonstrate your "superior" knowledge
If you happen to be an expert among laymen, do not bask in your superior knowledge, and do not make your companions feel inferior. Demonstrating your superiority is a demonstration of inferiority.
Don't fish for compliments
This ancient form is still in regular use, and it seldom produces genuine expressions of admiration. Subtly underselling yourself is mostly not a form of humility, but a way of implying your own superiority. What you mostly get for your efforts is not real praise, but flattery, and nothing is more false than that.
Don't belittle others to appear "bigger" yourself
This technique is not only popular among the more naive, but also among intellectuals, who use the excuse of freedom of speech and the virtue of critical thinking to tear their opponents apart. It is a sophisticated form of barbarism.
Don't feel smug about your insights
This happens quite easily. You feel superior towards someone who genuinely lacks insight, perhaps even intelligence. I have experienced people who come to me with their own religious "certainties", looking down on me while looking up at heaven. There is nothing worse than the pride of the humble. I sometimes catch myself exhibiting symptoms of this form of pride. The longer you have been preoccupied with "spiritual truths" and the more "insights" you come to, the more vulnerable you become to this particular mental disorder. Trace it before it harms you. Get rid of it as quickly as possible.
Don't nurture feelings or thoughts of superiority
Thoughts can have a tremendous influence on attitude. So avoid those daydreams where you enjoy victories over rivals, or where you demonstrate your superiority. Thoughts of superiority give you a swollen head, which is a symptom of inferiority.
Don't drop names
People whose feelings of self-worth depend on how close they have been to famous or successful people, or how well they know them, are total victims of illusion. If you have the urgent need to drop names, you are still in the crudest stage of existence. You want to inflate your obese ego with the status of others.
Don't frequent places inflating your ego
You know, that restaurant where "the rich and the famous" go. Many people want to be seen there, and are willing to pay exorbitant prices to do so. Often they do so because they want to feel exclusive, that is superior and elitist. Some would kill for that invitation to the governor's ball. Oh, if one could only be seen with the "high and the mighty", or at least the famous or the shamelessly rich. My advice? Avoid these places like the plague, for they are contagious.
Don't keep company with people who flatter you
Avoid people who flatter you. You have probably met them. It is often not what they say, but the way they look at you. People who flatter have their own selfish agendas. People who are vulnerable to flattery get what they deserve.
Don't show off possessions
It is terrible how some people will buy beautiful things not so much because they find them beautiful, but because they want to make an impression. They want that specific model of car, even though they really do not need it, and a far more modest model would have fulfilled their needs. People would decorate their houses - even their bedrooms - to impress strangers. If you depend on what other people think of you, you are controlled by them. You become a captive among your own beautiful possessions.
Don't use your religion or "wisdom" to impress others
You have probably met some of these people. If you are not careful, you may easily become a perpetrator yourself. There are many subtle ways in which you can become guilty of impressing others with your "wisdom". The image of being a wise man has turned many a wise man into a vain fool. You have probably also met those people who walk with their religion continuously on display. It is not that they are necessarily insincere. It is just that they, somehow, tend to reach the opposite of what they would like to. Demonstrative religion has a way of frightening away sincere sinners.
Don't use your good looks to impress
Very attractive people have difficulty not developing oversized egos. You cannot even blame them if they become victims of their own good looks. They live in a world hypnotized by surface appearance. If you are a very attractive person, you need a lot of wisdom to be able to recognize that most of the attention you get does not touch your true self. True beauty is invisible and unaware of its own beauty.
Don't lie to impress others
A lot of this is going on. Not lying means telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If you take this as your criteria, you will find that there is a great deal of lying going on to impress people. It does not have to be blatant lying, even though that also happens quite a lot. Leaving out unflattering details is a way of lying to impress. Adding or exaggerating here and there also helps to create a better impression. Have you never done this? Don't lie to impress me. I won't throw a stone at you; I am in a glasshouse myself.
Don't gossip
When you gossip, you break all the rules of compassion and wisdom. Be particularly wary of conversations starting with "I don't want to gossip, but ..." Gossip has many guises. Its most hypocritical camouflage is to present itself in a concerned, compassionate guise. "I am really so worried about her ... If I only knew how I could help her ..." Another guise is to feign moral indignation. Moralists are often the worst gossip mongers.
Don't even listen to gossip. Listening is participation. Silence is consent. Take a stand against gossip. Protest if it is necessary. Walk away from it. Defend the persons being gossiped against. There is no such thing as neutrality in this situation. It is the high noon of social confrontation.
No matter what your pretense may be when you participate either actively or passively in gossip, the truth is simple: you are inflating your own ego at the cost of others. You are running other people down so that you can feel better about yourself and your own existence. Running other people down is running yourself down. In a big way.
Don't be too busy
There is a superstition in industrialized society that
Being very BUSY = Being very IMPORTANT.
There is nothing wrong with having an important function. It is a good feeling, as long as you do not use it in a comparative way. The moment you start comparing yourself with others, you are trying to put yourself on a pedestal, and you will be living a life of constant stress and dissatisfaction. You are in fact inflating your ego.
The appearance of not having enough time is seen as an outward sign of success in business districts. In reality, it is often a sign of spiritual bankruptcy.
Being too busy is often an escapist form of cowardice. It is the fear and unwillingness to tackle the things that really matter. Like your deteriorating relationships. Or your own desperation and regular fits of depression.
Living in perpetual stress leads to distress. A life devoted to the ego turns everything you do into an exercise in futility. No amount of success will make a life devoted to the ego meaningful.
There is only one way out of this. Change your priorities. Deflate your ego. Treat yourself to enough time.
Do's
Be compassionate
There is only one great Do. It is to be compassionate.
Even trying to get rid of the ego
inflates the ego.
The person in harmony with the Tao
ignores the ego
as compassion immerses him
in the eternal flow of the Tao.
(The Tao is Tao, 113)
All the Don't's mentioned will become irrelevant if you live in true compassion.
Remember: Compassion is not a cheap feeling. It is a commitment to be constructive and to care for others. You can help others, whether you feel like it or not. If you allow your feelings to run you, you will end up helping only yourself.
Ignore the ego. There is nothing more devastating to the ego than to be ignored. It pines, fades and finally loses its influence.
Accept emptiness
Like ice drifting on a river
at the end of winter,
he faded into emptiness
as he moved with Tao.
(The Tao is Tao, 19)
The ego is part of the illusion of a permanent core in the human being. It is only when you accept that apart from the various aggregates functioning interdependently in you, you are basically "empty", that you can truly conquer the ego.
The moment you have stripped yourself of your "false self" or your ego, only emptiness remains. You come face to face with reality, your "true self", which is in fact complete emptiness, where no "self" exists. This is enlightenment. It is when you realize on a spiritual level that you are completely empty, that "self" does not exist, and that you are an indivisible part of the emptiness around you, of the totality of things.
Once you are in contact with your true self or emptiness, you will live in harmony with the Tao. You will have conquered fear, for if you are empty, you have nothing to lose. You will be compassionate. You will be liberated.
The courage
to show compassion
comes from
the acceptance of
emptiness.
(The Tao is Tao, 15)
Pay the price
Enlightenment is not gain;
it is the loss of everything dear.
Even wisdom and truth disappear
when only silence and emptiness remain.
(The Tao is Tao, 56)
There is no denying it. Enlightenment has its price. Getting rid of the ego mostly means also sacrificing your status in a world which is taken in by the superficial. If you reduce your ego in a society which is serving the ego, you will become invisible:
The humble man close to Tao
becomes less every day.
When he has lost himself completely,
only his true self remains.
(The Tao is Tao, 55)
Curb your desires
To eliminate the ego is also to curb your desires:
Desire is the fuel of the ego.
You will never find your true self
as long as this fire burns in you.
Even the desire to be virtuous
will corrupt you in the end.
True goodness comes from emptiness,
where thinking has stopped and
the fire has been extinguished.
(The Tao is Tao, 74)
There is no other way but the way of detachment. Unless you can free yourself from your materialism and the consumerism of a society preoccupied with materialistic aims, as well as your longing for status and recognition, you will never be able to come into harmony with the Tao.
Be moderate and humble
The natural way is one of moderation and humility, which is only possible if you accept that your ego is illusionary. It is the wisdom to know that you are wasting your precious time if you work for something that is illusionary. It is the only way you will find peace.
The truly enlightened
look into the mirror
to find
only emptiness
in its reflection.
(The Tao is Tao, 80)
Be silent when you have nothing to say
"Nothing" in this context includes talking nonsense just because you want to be heard. Don't feel yourself obliged to maintain conversation, not even when you are a host. The worst form of "nothing" you can speak is of the damaging kind. Listen more than you speak. It not only turns you into pleasant company, but it also gives you time to listen to your own thoughts before you give them air. More important still, it gives you time to really listen to other people. Really listening to other people gives you the opportunity to be supportive and constructive.
Meditate regularly
Find a form of meditation that suits your needs, time restraints and temperament. Correct forms of meditation have a way of preparing you for life out there and revitalizing your spirit. They bring you closer to your true self and they reduce your ego.
Spend time with uplifting company
The ideal is to have honest, compassionate friends who will support you in need, and will not hesitate to tell you when you are wrong, or getting too fatheaded. There is nothing like truth to cut you down to size. Like most spiritual growth, it can be painful. Cherish these friends if you should find them. There are not too many of them around. Another group that could be of benefit to you are people who share your convictions, commitments and beliefs. But be careful: groups may have a potential to be helpful, but they also have the tendency to be destructive. Be part of them, but remain independent of the group mind.
Utilize victory and defeat for spiritual growth
Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she needs to do and demands nothing of others.
(Tao te Ching, 79)
Regular portions of humble pie are good for the spirit. This, however, depends on how you digest moments of defeat. If defeat is synonymous with humiliation to you, your ego is running your life. If you blame others for your failure, you are hiding behind your own ego. See failure as the opportunity to learn. With learning, I don't mean learning the wrong lessons, but the right ones. The right lessons will always involve determining where you have failed in being compassionate, why you have too much ego, and finally how to deflate your bloated self-image. Failure and defeat, more than any other experience, serve as opportunities to measure your spiritual development.
Victory and success can be infinitely more dangerous than defeat, for they tend to intoxicate and inflate the ego. How you deal with success is therefore also crucial to your spiritual development. Success should not lead to arrogance, but to humility. Not the false kind of demonstrative humility underlining superiority. Real humility, where you realize that you are as transient and empty as your less successful peers.
Defeat and failure provide you with the opportunity to increase your empathy, like all suffering does. Victory and success tend to decrease compassion in you, and they are therefore far more dangerous in their potential to corrupt.
Sometimes, compassion will demand from you that you eat humble pie. It could be that you have to stand back to allow someone else to take the glory, or to develop and learn. Good mothers do that every day. Or sometimes you have to endure humiliation for the sake of your beloved. How many fathers and mothers do not have to swallow their pride when they are treated unfairly, so that they can keep that job and feed their children? Compassion has a way of turning what others see as defeat into victory for you. This victory of compassion is often silent and only you would know about it. Self-sacrifice for the sake of others often has a bitter taste, but it is true victory, for it is the hidden victory of the spirit over the ego.
Be committed
Reducing the ego is not easy. You will suffer many setbacks. You often have to overcome cultural conditioning and education. You may come into situations or come into conflict with people that bring out the worst in you. In our society which runs on greed, you have to overcome a barrage of negative stimuli incessantly encouraging you to inflate your ego. The trouble is that the ego can become so much part of you that it becomes invisible to you and feels like a "natural" part of you. The worst thing that can happen to you is to accept it as a "natural" part of you, for then it will control your actions. The ego is a tricky customer, for it manipulates you in all kinds of innocent guises. Just don't let anyone persuade you that the ego is anything else but the ego. Or that it is vital. The activities for which an ego is essential are those activities you should avoid. No matter how many setbacks you suffer, stay stubbornly opposed to it. Stay committed to getting rid of it. Don't give up. Commitment is everything.
When you expect it least,
the ego,
declared dead,
will surge into your mind,
and in an instant
you will seem so far removed from Tao
as heaven from earth.
Has it ever happened to you?
Don't despair.
Let it go.
Do what comes next.
Accepting failure
is a humbling experience
akin to enlightenment.
In an instant you will discover
that heaven and earth are one and
that you have never been separated from Tao.
The Taoist sage
lives in harmony with failure
and never fails.
(The Tao is Tao, 70)
The reward and the danger
The reward for eliminating the ego is tremendous. It has been given many names: Enlightenment, Bodhi, Satori, Nirvana, Heaven. The reward is peace and equanimity, and tremendous spiritual power.
Yet the lure of reward carries its own dangers. If you should for one moment work to reduce your ego for the sake of personal reward, you will pervert everything you have set out to do, for you will then be serving none other than the very ego you are supposed to destroy. You will have fallen for the most cunning disguise of the ego - that of a permanent "soul" which you have to serve so that it can get all kinds of "spiritual" rewards, like an eternal life in heaven.
Many who "dedicate their lives" to truth or a cause or religion in fact work for their own rewards. You recognize them easily by their inflated egos, and their ignorance of their own self-righteousness, arrogance and vanity.
The Taoist sage goes the way of the Tao not for reward, but because she is in harmony with the Tao.
She cannot do anything else.
The ignorantly sincere
vainly try to reduce their egos,
but their egos grow only bigger.
The wise person
ignores his ego
and serves selflessly,
so that his self,
starved of thought,
disappears.
The person in total harmony with the Tao
has no ego,
for she has entered
emptiness
and lives
with compassion.
(The Tao is Tao, 133)
______________________________________________________________________________
© Jos Slabbert 2001
Postal Address: P.O. Box 4037, Vineta, Namibia
Fax No.: 09264 64 46 1014 E-Mail: jos_slabbert@hotmail.com
This passage or excerpts from it may be reproduced for non-profit motives.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Identifying a Pathological Liar - (Reposted from Answers.com)
Pathological liars - or "mythomaniacs" - may be suffering from histrionic personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. The following comments basically reflect a pathological liar who has the characteristics of histrionic personality disorder.
Some characteristics
1. Exaggerates things that are ridiculous.
2. One-upping. Whatever you do, this person can do it better. You will never top them in their own mind, because they have a concerted need to be better than everyone else. This also applies to being right. If you try to confront an individual like this, no matter how lovingly and well-intentioned you might be - this will probably not be effective. It's threatening their fantasy of themselves, so they would rather argue with you and bring out the sharp knives than admit that there's anything wrong with them.
3. They "construct" a reality around themselves. They don't value the truth, especially if they don't see it as hurting anyone. If you call them on a lie and they are backed into a corner, they will act very defensively and say ugly things (most likely but depends on personality), but they may eventually start to act like, "Well, what's the difference? You're making a big deal out of nothing!" (again, to refocus the conversation to your wrongdoing instead of theirs).
4. Because these people don't value honesty, a lot of times they will not value loyalty. So watch what you tell them. They will not only tell others, but they will embellish to make you look worse. Their loyalty is fleeting, and because they are insecure people, they will find solace in confiding to whomever is in their favor at the moment.
5. They may be somewhat of a hypochondriac. This can come in especially useful when caught in a lie, for example, they can claim that they have been sick, or that there's some mysteriously "illness" that has them all stressed out. It's another excuse tool for their behavior.
6. Obviously, they will contradict what they say. This will become very clear over time. They usually aren't smart enough to keep track of so many lies (who would be?).
Another WikiAnswers contributor adds:
•They lie about even the smallest things. For example, saying "I brushed my teeth today," when they didn't.
•They add exaggerations to every sentence.
•They change their story all the time.
•They act very defensively when you question their statements.
•They believe what they say is true, when everyone else knows it isn't.
An alternate 'checklist':
•Lies when it is very easy to tell the truth.
•Lies to get sympathy, to look better, to save their butt, etc.
•Fools people at first but once they get to know him, no one believes anything they ever say.
•May have a personality disorder.
•Extremely manipulative.
•Has been caught in lies repeatedly.
•Never fesses up to the lies.
•Is a legend in their own mind.
More opinions and input from WikiAnswers contributors:
•I have found a few differences in pathological liar and a "slime ball" liar. Pathological liars cannot tell that they are lying; they actually believe the lie as soon as it comes out of their mouth. They lie about unimportant things that don't really matter to anyone. This can be caused by mental defect but isn't always. Slime-ball liars lie about things that make them look better or embellish to get attention. They also lie to keep their butts out of trouble and to get what they want.
•Here are things to ask yourself: How could this many things happen to one person? Would believe these stories if someone else told you? Think back to the beginning: you had red flags and alarms going off in you head. Learn to trust your instincts.
•It is very hard to tell when one is a pathological liar. Some people just are liars and lie to lie because they can and they don't care about getting caught and aware that you know they have lied. These people care not about lying, it's no big deal. It's like "ok, so what? I lied". The pathological liar on the other hand, IS aware that they are lying BUT will go to extremes to make you believe that they are truthful. They appear to believe their own lies BUT in truth, they know their lies are just that, lies. But because their efforts are constantly backing up their lies, it appears to us that they actually believe their lies, when we eventually do find out about them and then we tend to feel sorry for these people. Then they have an excuse, "I am sick, I don't know why I lie, I believed what I was saying etc." The only truth was the fact that they don't know why they lie. Other than that it's crap. It is true that most of them have an extremely low sense of self worth and are continuously trying to make themselves feel better about THEMSELVES and this is one reason they lie. It is about them but the lies are not always set up with the purpose to hurt some one else; it's that these people feel so low about themselves they need to create ANYTHING different from the ugly reality they feel about themselves so they lie about even the most tiniest little thing. The people closest to them get sucked into these lies which sometimes start as something very trivial and then turn into something that can turn everyone involved worlds upside down and inside out.
•Unmasking the pathological liar is an easier task when the pathological liar is no more than a casual acquaintence to the "un-masker." Close relationships provide camouflage for the pathological liar, and intimacy provides a heavily-fortressed breeding ground.
•Other indicators: 1) Rage attacks after they realize you're questioning their lies. 2) Distraction techniques, e.g. hanging up the phone when you catch them in lie, playing word games, or even just running out of the room. After using the distraction technique, or rage attack, or sometimes both, they will pretend that nothing ever happened. They re-write history, so it never did happen in their minds. Normal people do it too, but these people take it to the extreme.
•From "Go Ask Alice": Lies are unplanned and impulsive. Behavior is repeated over a long period of time. Lies don't seem to exist for any external reason. Behavior may not always be a conscious act. Lies are admitted, changed, and/or adapted if a false story is challenged.
•From Andrea Broadbent "The Truth about Truman": To begin, the definition of pathological actually means abnormal or grossly atypical. Therefore, a pathological liar prevaricates more frequently than the average person or tells more abnormal lies. In most cases, pathological liars tell lies that are "unplanned and impulsive" (Hausman). These lies are usually very emotional stories that tend to serve no purpose except to impress people (Ford 133). As of now, psychiatrists are unsure whether or not pathological liars are fully capable of realizing if and when they are lying, so detecting whether or not a person is a pathological liar is a very difficult task (Hausman). By looking at the list of conditions commonly connected with people considered to be pathological liars, psychiatrists are better able to determine whether or not a person might actually have the disorder. Some main qualities linked with pathological liars include dysfunctional family origin, family lying patterns, anomalies of sexual life, frequent substance abuse, and a great capacity for language.
•From Raymond Lloyd Richmond, Ph.D. "Psychological Honesty": Even a pathological liar carries deep in his heart a desire for goodness and honesty and yet, because of painful emotional wounds, believes that the world never has, and never will, recognize his pain. And so, to hide that pain from himself, he uses all the lies he can concoct to hurl at the world as he runs in fear from his own goodness.
•For me, the first indication has been that I hear them tell different things to different people and they can't all be right, because they directly contradict each other! And I am able to prove it. If you can prove over and over again that things someone is telling you are outright false, then you have a pathological liar on your hands.
With the Internet, it is now easier than ever to "fact-check" even the most mundane things. I think pathological liars often lose track of the lies they tell different people and it will eventually catch up with them.
Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_a_pathological_liar#ixzz1EwgEFdXO
Some characteristics
1. Exaggerates things that are ridiculous.
2. One-upping. Whatever you do, this person can do it better. You will never top them in their own mind, because they have a concerted need to be better than everyone else. This also applies to being right. If you try to confront an individual like this, no matter how lovingly and well-intentioned you might be - this will probably not be effective. It's threatening their fantasy of themselves, so they would rather argue with you and bring out the sharp knives than admit that there's anything wrong with them.
3. They "construct" a reality around themselves. They don't value the truth, especially if they don't see it as hurting anyone. If you call them on a lie and they are backed into a corner, they will act very defensively and say ugly things (most likely but depends on personality), but they may eventually start to act like, "Well, what's the difference? You're making a big deal out of nothing!" (again, to refocus the conversation to your wrongdoing instead of theirs).
4. Because these people don't value honesty, a lot of times they will not value loyalty. So watch what you tell them. They will not only tell others, but they will embellish to make you look worse. Their loyalty is fleeting, and because they are insecure people, they will find solace in confiding to whomever is in their favor at the moment.
5. They may be somewhat of a hypochondriac. This can come in especially useful when caught in a lie, for example, they can claim that they have been sick, or that there's some mysteriously "illness" that has them all stressed out. It's another excuse tool for their behavior.
6. Obviously, they will contradict what they say. This will become very clear over time. They usually aren't smart enough to keep track of so many lies (who would be?).
Another WikiAnswers contributor adds:
•They lie about even the smallest things. For example, saying "I brushed my teeth today," when they didn't.
•They add exaggerations to every sentence.
•They change their story all the time.
•They act very defensively when you question their statements.
•They believe what they say is true, when everyone else knows it isn't.
An alternate 'checklist':
•Lies when it is very easy to tell the truth.
•Lies to get sympathy, to look better, to save their butt, etc.
•Fools people at first but once they get to know him, no one believes anything they ever say.
•May have a personality disorder.
•Extremely manipulative.
•Has been caught in lies repeatedly.
•Never fesses up to the lies.
•Is a legend in their own mind.
More opinions and input from WikiAnswers contributors:
•I have found a few differences in pathological liar and a "slime ball" liar. Pathological liars cannot tell that they are lying; they actually believe the lie as soon as it comes out of their mouth. They lie about unimportant things that don't really matter to anyone. This can be caused by mental defect but isn't always. Slime-ball liars lie about things that make them look better or embellish to get attention. They also lie to keep their butts out of trouble and to get what they want.
•Here are things to ask yourself: How could this many things happen to one person? Would believe these stories if someone else told you? Think back to the beginning: you had red flags and alarms going off in you head. Learn to trust your instincts.
•It is very hard to tell when one is a pathological liar. Some people just are liars and lie to lie because they can and they don't care about getting caught and aware that you know they have lied. These people care not about lying, it's no big deal. It's like "ok, so what? I lied". The pathological liar on the other hand, IS aware that they are lying BUT will go to extremes to make you believe that they are truthful. They appear to believe their own lies BUT in truth, they know their lies are just that, lies. But because their efforts are constantly backing up their lies, it appears to us that they actually believe their lies, when we eventually do find out about them and then we tend to feel sorry for these people. Then they have an excuse, "I am sick, I don't know why I lie, I believed what I was saying etc." The only truth was the fact that they don't know why they lie. Other than that it's crap. It is true that most of them have an extremely low sense of self worth and are continuously trying to make themselves feel better about THEMSELVES and this is one reason they lie. It is about them but the lies are not always set up with the purpose to hurt some one else; it's that these people feel so low about themselves they need to create ANYTHING different from the ugly reality they feel about themselves so they lie about even the most tiniest little thing. The people closest to them get sucked into these lies which sometimes start as something very trivial and then turn into something that can turn everyone involved worlds upside down and inside out.
•Unmasking the pathological liar is an easier task when the pathological liar is no more than a casual acquaintence to the "un-masker." Close relationships provide camouflage for the pathological liar, and intimacy provides a heavily-fortressed breeding ground.
•Other indicators: 1) Rage attacks after they realize you're questioning their lies. 2) Distraction techniques, e.g. hanging up the phone when you catch them in lie, playing word games, or even just running out of the room. After using the distraction technique, or rage attack, or sometimes both, they will pretend that nothing ever happened. They re-write history, so it never did happen in their minds. Normal people do it too, but these people take it to the extreme.
•From "Go Ask Alice": Lies are unplanned and impulsive. Behavior is repeated over a long period of time. Lies don't seem to exist for any external reason. Behavior may not always be a conscious act. Lies are admitted, changed, and/or adapted if a false story is challenged.
•From Andrea Broadbent "The Truth about Truman": To begin, the definition of pathological actually means abnormal or grossly atypical. Therefore, a pathological liar prevaricates more frequently than the average person or tells more abnormal lies. In most cases, pathological liars tell lies that are "unplanned and impulsive" (Hausman). These lies are usually very emotional stories that tend to serve no purpose except to impress people (Ford 133). As of now, psychiatrists are unsure whether or not pathological liars are fully capable of realizing if and when they are lying, so detecting whether or not a person is a pathological liar is a very difficult task (Hausman). By looking at the list of conditions commonly connected with people considered to be pathological liars, psychiatrists are better able to determine whether or not a person might actually have the disorder. Some main qualities linked with pathological liars include dysfunctional family origin, family lying patterns, anomalies of sexual life, frequent substance abuse, and a great capacity for language.
•From Raymond Lloyd Richmond, Ph.D. "Psychological Honesty": Even a pathological liar carries deep in his heart a desire for goodness and honesty and yet, because of painful emotional wounds, believes that the world never has, and never will, recognize his pain. And so, to hide that pain from himself, he uses all the lies he can concoct to hurl at the world as he runs in fear from his own goodness.
•For me, the first indication has been that I hear them tell different things to different people and they can't all be right, because they directly contradict each other! And I am able to prove it. If you can prove over and over again that things someone is telling you are outright false, then you have a pathological liar on your hands.
With the Internet, it is now easier than ever to "fact-check" even the most mundane things. I think pathological liars often lose track of the lies they tell different people and it will eventually catch up with them.
Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_a_pathological_liar#ixzz1EwgEFdXO
Monday, September 22, 2008
Mixed Lyrics, Mixed Emotions
I am unwritten, can't read my mind,
I'm undefined I'm just beginning,
the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
There's nothing good about goodbye
Just say goodbye
If I cut you down to a thing I can use,
I fear there will be nothing good left of you.
I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my life?
I know you feel helpless now and
I know you feel alone
That's the same road, the same road that I am on
I'm alive but I'm alone,
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone
Today is where my book begins
The rest is still unwritten
I'm undefined I'm just beginning,
the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
There's nothing good about goodbye
Just say goodbye
If I cut you down to a thing I can use,
I fear there will be nothing good left of you.
I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my life?
I know you feel helpless now and
I know you feel alone
That's the same road, the same road that I am on
I'm alive but I'm alone,
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone
Today is where my book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Monday, September 1, 2008
TEN PEOPLE
Name 10 people you can think of right off the top of your head. Don't read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 10 people. This is a lot funnier if you actually randomly list the names first.. No cheating:
1.Zach
2.Mom
3.Jonathan
4.Kirk the Jerk
5.Bill
6.Garrett
7.Angie
8.Faye
9.Jerome
10.Philip
DONT LOOK AHEAD UNLESS U FILLED UP THE TOP!!!
1.How did you meet #9?
Answer: College
2. Do you have a crush on anyone up there?
Answer: Hmmmm..crush?? I dont know...
3.What would you do if you hadn't met number 1?
Answer: I cant IMAGINE!
4. What would you do if 6 and 2 were going out?
Answer: I'd FREAK OUT!
5. How did you meet number 8?
Answer: We were classmates...
6. Is 2 one of your best persons?
Answer: Yes...Super MOM
7. Whose number 9's best friend(s)?
Answer: Ask him not ME!
8. Have you ever dated number 1?
Answer: Always...
9. Do you miss number 10?
Answer: EIWWWWW!
10.what do u think of number 6?
Answer: I cant tell you!
11.what do you think of number 7?
Answer: My BFF
12. who does number 3 like?
Answer: ME!!!
13. Have you ever been inside number 8's house?
Answer: Yes,when she was still here...
14. How did you meet number 5?
Answer: Bearshare..
15. Ever been in the same bed as any of the numbers?
Answer: Hmmm..yes, but wont tell you who...lol
16. Do you trust these people?
Answer: Yes, most of them...
17. would you date no. 5?
Answer: He is too costly to date!!!
18. Love them all?
Answer: Loved some of them yesterday, love some of them today, will love some of them tomorrow!!!!
1.Zach
2.Mom
3.Jonathan
4.Kirk the Jerk
5.Bill
6.Garrett
7.Angie
8.Faye
9.Jerome
10.Philip
DONT LOOK AHEAD UNLESS U FILLED UP THE TOP!!!
1.How did you meet #9?
Answer: College
2. Do you have a crush on anyone up there?
Answer: Hmmmm..crush?? I dont know...
3.What would you do if you hadn't met number 1?
Answer: I cant IMAGINE!
4. What would you do if 6 and 2 were going out?
Answer: I'd FREAK OUT!
5. How did you meet number 8?
Answer: We were classmates...
6. Is 2 one of your best persons?
Answer: Yes...Super MOM
7. Whose number 9's best friend(s)?
Answer: Ask him not ME!
8. Have you ever dated number 1?
Answer: Always...
9. Do you miss number 10?
Answer: EIWWWWW!
10.what do u think of number 6?
Answer: I cant tell you!
11.what do you think of number 7?
Answer: My BFF
12. who does number 3 like?
Answer: ME!!!
13. Have you ever been inside number 8's house?
Answer: Yes,when she was still here...
14. How did you meet number 5?
Answer: Bearshare..
15. Ever been in the same bed as any of the numbers?
Answer: Hmmm..yes, but wont tell you who...lol
16. Do you trust these people?
Answer: Yes, most of them...
17. would you date no. 5?
Answer: He is too costly to date!!!
18. Love them all?
Answer: Loved some of them yesterday, love some of them today, will love some of them tomorrow!!!!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
38 years = Blessings
My birthday is coming so soooooon…and Im a year older again…OUCH! But Im so BLESSED, so why complain? I have so many friends around me that even if I don’t get to see most of them often, I know in their hearts, they care for me…So, let me have this chance to thank those people who have been my inspiration all through these years…( this is in random ok?)
1. Faye ( since 2002)– She knows what I need…she helps me get through it all, and eventhough she’s already in Canada now, she has still proven to be my bestfriend…keep the $$$ coming…hehehe
2. Angie (since 2002)– We argue a lot, over a lot of things…and we insult each other a lot, tease each other no end, but Im strong in this little island of Dumaguete because of her..
3. YL family, Jumawan sisters, Lyssa Pastor, Ate Nena, Kuya Noel, Yasi brothers and the rest (since 1984)– they have molded solid my faith, we’ve learned together the word of God in style…I have my values and convictions firm because of them…
4. Lifeline friends (since 2002)– Grace, Gerard, Hannah, Arn arn, Gilbert, Myla, Pitchina, Kelly, Coreen, Andy, Roma, Yenyen and the rest – you were my first set of friends here…you made my life easier
5. Radio people (since 1991)– Macoy, Aimee, Candice, Alberca sisters, Yenyen, Baktoy, 523, 562, 602, 515 group – those years that I was fleeting, you were there to cheer me up…
6. STC ’86 (since 1982)– I have not seen most of them for over 20 years now, yet the fun we had in high school lasts a lifetime…I wish them all the luck..
7. Chacha and Cecile (since 1986)– 2 of my batchmates who were closest to me – both of them so beautiful, so charming, so much appreciated until now. I wont forget you, and all the beautiful memories I had with you. Hoping to see you soon.
8. Pinky, Kirk, Abe, Danny, Leny, Regine, Lalay, Gemma (since 2005)– I can call on them when I need things done fast…and they are loyal too.
9. ALFA family (since 2005)– you are my family now, thanks for believing in me. They are not only my colleagues and bosses, but my friends too..esp mention to Maya, Beth, Ms. AZG, Derek, Nice, Ms. Juliet, Ms. Belen, Ms. Hermie, Sir Mike, Sir Johnny, Karl, Sonny, Ms. Geney, Sir Gilbert, Ruby and the other BSAs Ive met thru this company..
10. USC friends (since 1986)– Rachel, Mayette, Nanath, Juvy, Kim, Chona, Ledge people, Canteen people, basketball people, ABC, Bukid – My college life was the best life next to highschool because of these people..
11. Bulacan people (since forever)– my friends and relatives there…I enjoyed every vacation I spent with you guys
12. SLI (since 1994)– Joyce, Tata, Shirlene, Dan, Wilbec, Ingrid, Suzette, Jill, Phoebe, Windy, Ichu, Suzette, Janet, Marcia, Mamang, Abegail, Mina, Rina, Toni, Philip, Sir Rey, Gary, Rolly, the Tatays, officers, sanitary aids, messmen, the rest of the crew – this was my best job ever…fun, fun, fun!
13. Basyong, Jerome, Philip ( one after the other, I guess)– the 3 guys I have loved….thanks for the memories..
14. My sisters – they are strong women, we can triumph every trial, we can survive any tragedy, we are one in times of tears and joy.
15. Dra. Go (since 1992)– you know I care for you, you just have to dig deeper in your heart.
16. Conching, Linli, Nora, Judyville neighbors (since 2006)– thanks for being there when I need help for my house, and for inviting me to your houses when I have nothing to eat…lol
17. Sir Jonathan (since 1994)– my former boss and still my friend., for 14 years now
18. Kristine (since 2005)– thanks for laughing at my jokes mam, and for listening when I need to vent out my frustrations about our work.
19. Flores family (since 1992)– they have my respect, I know they consider me part of the family and I really appreciate that.
20. Boyet and Badong – my 2 brothers, I care for them, I hope they care for themselves.
21. My nieces and nephews – they make me appreciate my father the more…I love them all.
22. The friends I met thru work, vacation, night outs – the other group in bulacan like reymand, jeoff, etc…it was great going out of towns with you…
23. Bill – you always have that soft spot for me, and I thank you for always understanding me my friend.
24. Garrett – you just know what to say to me that can make me giggle. You have to be good and make good in your life because you are so talented and so intelligent. Don’t waste it.
25. Ken, Gary, Mark – wherever you are now, I wish you’ll find your true loves…my web friends
26. My shortlived romances – Dodo, Tonerette, Lou, the others I have forgotten the names ( bad jubang!) – thanks for the sweet kisses…
27. Jake - who loved my son so true, and who was loved by so many. May your soul rest in peace.
28. Baseline boys – Allan and the Climaco brothers, Randy, Dodoy, Mutuc..etc.. – the highlight of my teenlife was with them….life with them was always free…free disco, free food, free ride…lol
29. Roxanne – how could I forget our sleep overs at the station you worked for before? You were a great friend and until now, you are still one.
30. Len-len – Shes my sticker mate. My bestfriend in YL, my sister in faith.
31. Timmy and Nathan – my buddies in YL, the reason I enjoyed every camp and every club meetings…they keep my feet on the gound all the time.
32. Yman and Ping – my best friends, my red Horse buddies…Thanks for always making me laugh.
33. Marilyn – my very best friend in SLI, she has put up a lot because of me…and I really love her for that…
34. Nana Juling, Ate Azon, Mamang Peping – they have kept me under their care when I was schooling in Manila…thanks for all your caring hands..
35. Johannes, Mabel, Jovicar – new friends that as early as now are already appreciated.
36. My mom – who has gone thru a lot of pain and worry because of her children. Mom, we are all grown up, you don’t have to do that anymore…
37. My father – my greatest hero, I am what I am today because of what he taught me. Be nice to your fellowman, be kind, be generous, be helpful…the reward is in heaven…wait for me there Dad
38. And lastly, my son Zach – he has never fallen short of love for me, as we always say to each other, we love each other to the moon and back…
These people are my greatest treasures, and the best reasons that I am thankful for my 38 years of existence….because without them, life would be very scary and incredibly boring. I love you guys!
1. Faye ( since 2002)– She knows what I need…she helps me get through it all, and eventhough she’s already in Canada now, she has still proven to be my bestfriend…keep the $$$ coming…hehehe
2. Angie (since 2002)– We argue a lot, over a lot of things…and we insult each other a lot, tease each other no end, but Im strong in this little island of Dumaguete because of her..
3. YL family, Jumawan sisters, Lyssa Pastor, Ate Nena, Kuya Noel, Yasi brothers and the rest (since 1984)– they have molded solid my faith, we’ve learned together the word of God in style…I have my values and convictions firm because of them…
4. Lifeline friends (since 2002)– Grace, Gerard, Hannah, Arn arn, Gilbert, Myla, Pitchina, Kelly, Coreen, Andy, Roma, Yenyen and the rest – you were my first set of friends here…you made my life easier
5. Radio people (since 1991)– Macoy, Aimee, Candice, Alberca sisters, Yenyen, Baktoy, 523, 562, 602, 515 group – those years that I was fleeting, you were there to cheer me up…
6. STC ’86 (since 1982)– I have not seen most of them for over 20 years now, yet the fun we had in high school lasts a lifetime…I wish them all the luck..
7. Chacha and Cecile (since 1986)– 2 of my batchmates who were closest to me – both of them so beautiful, so charming, so much appreciated until now. I wont forget you, and all the beautiful memories I had with you. Hoping to see you soon.
8. Pinky, Kirk, Abe, Danny, Leny, Regine, Lalay, Gemma (since 2005)– I can call on them when I need things done fast…and they are loyal too.
9. ALFA family (since 2005)– you are my family now, thanks for believing in me. They are not only my colleagues and bosses, but my friends too..esp mention to Maya, Beth, Ms. AZG, Derek, Nice, Ms. Juliet, Ms. Belen, Ms. Hermie, Sir Mike, Sir Johnny, Karl, Sonny, Ms. Geney, Sir Gilbert, Ruby and the other BSAs Ive met thru this company..
10. USC friends (since 1986)– Rachel, Mayette, Nanath, Juvy, Kim, Chona, Ledge people, Canteen people, basketball people, ABC, Bukid – My college life was the best life next to highschool because of these people..
11. Bulacan people (since forever)– my friends and relatives there…I enjoyed every vacation I spent with you guys
12. SLI (since 1994)– Joyce, Tata, Shirlene, Dan, Wilbec, Ingrid, Suzette, Jill, Phoebe, Windy, Ichu, Suzette, Janet, Marcia, Mamang, Abegail, Mina, Rina, Toni, Philip, Sir Rey, Gary, Rolly, the Tatays, officers, sanitary aids, messmen, the rest of the crew – this was my best job ever…fun, fun, fun!
13. Basyong, Jerome, Philip ( one after the other, I guess)– the 3 guys I have loved….thanks for the memories..
14. My sisters – they are strong women, we can triumph every trial, we can survive any tragedy, we are one in times of tears and joy.
15. Dra. Go (since 1992)– you know I care for you, you just have to dig deeper in your heart.
16. Conching, Linli, Nora, Judyville neighbors (since 2006)– thanks for being there when I need help for my house, and for inviting me to your houses when I have nothing to eat…lol
17. Sir Jonathan (since 1994)– my former boss and still my friend., for 14 years now
18. Kristine (since 2005)– thanks for laughing at my jokes mam, and for listening when I need to vent out my frustrations about our work.
19. Flores family (since 1992)– they have my respect, I know they consider me part of the family and I really appreciate that.
20. Boyet and Badong – my 2 brothers, I care for them, I hope they care for themselves.
21. My nieces and nephews – they make me appreciate my father the more…I love them all.
22. The friends I met thru work, vacation, night outs – the other group in bulacan like reymand, jeoff, etc…it was great going out of towns with you…
23. Bill – you always have that soft spot for me, and I thank you for always understanding me my friend.
24. Garrett – you just know what to say to me that can make me giggle. You have to be good and make good in your life because you are so talented and so intelligent. Don’t waste it.
25. Ken, Gary, Mark – wherever you are now, I wish you’ll find your true loves…my web friends
26. My shortlived romances – Dodo, Tonerette, Lou, the others I have forgotten the names ( bad jubang!) – thanks for the sweet kisses…
27. Jake - who loved my son so true, and who was loved by so many. May your soul rest in peace.
28. Baseline boys – Allan and the Climaco brothers, Randy, Dodoy, Mutuc..etc.. – the highlight of my teenlife was with them….life with them was always free…free disco, free food, free ride…lol
29. Roxanne – how could I forget our sleep overs at the station you worked for before? You were a great friend and until now, you are still one.
30. Len-len – Shes my sticker mate. My bestfriend in YL, my sister in faith.
31. Timmy and Nathan – my buddies in YL, the reason I enjoyed every camp and every club meetings…they keep my feet on the gound all the time.
32. Yman and Ping – my best friends, my red Horse buddies…Thanks for always making me laugh.
33. Marilyn – my very best friend in SLI, she has put up a lot because of me…and I really love her for that…
34. Nana Juling, Ate Azon, Mamang Peping – they have kept me under their care when I was schooling in Manila…thanks for all your caring hands..
35. Johannes, Mabel, Jovicar – new friends that as early as now are already appreciated.
36. My mom – who has gone thru a lot of pain and worry because of her children. Mom, we are all grown up, you don’t have to do that anymore…
37. My father – my greatest hero, I am what I am today because of what he taught me. Be nice to your fellowman, be kind, be generous, be helpful…the reward is in heaven…wait for me there Dad
38. And lastly, my son Zach – he has never fallen short of love for me, as we always say to each other, we love each other to the moon and back…
These people are my greatest treasures, and the best reasons that I am thankful for my 38 years of existence….because without them, life would be very scary and incredibly boring. I love you guys!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Is Friendship just a thought?
I have taken steps to invite and support real friendships for some people who live with what they call their personal abnormalities. Although I don’t see the way she sees it, she would prefer to move along without accepting my offer, and I know deep in her heart she is struggling with isolation. The human nature is to be judgmental and that’s the flow of play, so sympathy and affection may seem out of reach, and she’s worried about the possibility of a life-long pattern of separateness from her friends, but she is the one alienating herself from others who she thinks imposes a threat to her “abnormality”. So what can I do?
To begin, I’m not sure that I really know anything about making friends and being a good one. How can I be sure now when the one I want to be my friend wont accept me as one? The older I get, the more I think that making friends start by discovering each other. Then if we're lucky, we pay attention, we stay faithful, and just hope we don't mess up, then we have a friend for life. But that is not always the case. Sometimes we just meet people by chance, somewhere, at only one time….though first impressions could be the basis to continue friendships, yet communication is not constant and limited. I would say, I am someone who try to abridge gaps with my far away friends thru communications…so I really keep in contact with people I don’t get to see often, even thru SMS, landline, letters, the web or even to the extent of visiting the people I sorely miss wherever they may be…
I hope that people who deny to live with their “abnormalities” really examine themselves and ask if being in that position of refusing the entry of other people to their lives will help them receive the blessings of friendship. As we seek that blessing, it may be useful to examine how the ordinary patterns of discovery and friendship work, and see if we can follow those patterns, but perhaps in a way that is more focused and intentional. As the GOLDEN RULE states: “Do not do unto others what you don’t want others do unto you.”
How did our most important friendships come into being? Where were we when we discovered each other? Among the dozens, hundreds, even thousands of people we've met in our lifetime, how is it that some of us are still friends after all these years? And why some too good friends you have enjoyed the company with leave too soon? Friendship doesn’t have much of a chance if only one person is trying hard to keep it. It will get lost in the web of confusion and hurt…so yes, friendship will not get a chance.
I was there at one place on one good night where it was planned to be really good, with people I was already close with, wanted to be close with and one that is yet to meet. We were close-packed that night. Laughter was the proof of enjoyment. It was, after all, a visit that was most welcome. We felt young, was groovy, enjoyed the food and we loved the same music. But nobody from that night has really seen the real me. In fact, they only have seen the other side of me the next morning. What I’m trying to say is that we can spend a lifetime going from one ‘activity’ to another with different people and still be alone the next day to tackle the real person that you are (and for the rest of our lives). Because oftentimes, we act different roles to different personalities. I am spoiled to some people, but I’m the underdog on some…so its basically the way of life…and friendships are meant that way too, there are friendships that are just temporary because you work for the same company, or live at the same place, or go to same activity…but only few people are counted to be your BFF…through thick and thin….indefinitely!
If we think about it, we see that one basic condition for the development of friendship (love-at-first-sight being a wonderful possible exception) is that we keep going back to the same place over time. Meaning if we share something that we both enjoy and do often, that’s how friendships are developed ( same with other relationships)…because those are the way to build memories, and memories are etched in the heart not on wood. So in my case, I think the memories are not yet enough to call it a good friendship, or she may have taken it as part of her bad memories…I really don’t know!
The edges are always there: times when we’re arriving and departing, waiting for the first notes to sound from the organ, coffee after the service. But if you are shy or don’t know how to ‘make time’ in those brief moments, you still might miss the boat. Friendship just like any other relationships is also a give and take situation…And both should commit to be active…But if one wont, or too selfish to open herself up, then it will never work, with ANYONE!
We know that friendship goes far beyond simple attraction and ‘hanging out’. It’s far more complex. Once we discover each other, we still need to pay attention, deepen the invitation, and be good to each other. Friendship is a gift, but once we open the gift, we need to be ‘on purpose’ if friendship is to endure. Friendship is a discovery, not a requirement, and it helps to remember the value of small beginnings. At the outset, we’re not asking for a lifetime commitment.
We can only offer much, we can only be patient too long…but humiliation is an insult and that’s not an ingredient to good friendships…So its best that I let go, Im not saying good riddance…I will just be here…and if the time comes that you are ready to accept me as a TRUE friend, you know how to reach me..
To begin, I’m not sure that I really know anything about making friends and being a good one. How can I be sure now when the one I want to be my friend wont accept me as one? The older I get, the more I think that making friends start by discovering each other. Then if we're lucky, we pay attention, we stay faithful, and just hope we don't mess up, then we have a friend for life. But that is not always the case. Sometimes we just meet people by chance, somewhere, at only one time….though first impressions could be the basis to continue friendships, yet communication is not constant and limited. I would say, I am someone who try to abridge gaps with my far away friends thru communications…so I really keep in contact with people I don’t get to see often, even thru SMS, landline, letters, the web or even to the extent of visiting the people I sorely miss wherever they may be…
I hope that people who deny to live with their “abnormalities” really examine themselves and ask if being in that position of refusing the entry of other people to their lives will help them receive the blessings of friendship. As we seek that blessing, it may be useful to examine how the ordinary patterns of discovery and friendship work, and see if we can follow those patterns, but perhaps in a way that is more focused and intentional. As the GOLDEN RULE states: “Do not do unto others what you don’t want others do unto you.”
How did our most important friendships come into being? Where were we when we discovered each other? Among the dozens, hundreds, even thousands of people we've met in our lifetime, how is it that some of us are still friends after all these years? And why some too good friends you have enjoyed the company with leave too soon? Friendship doesn’t have much of a chance if only one person is trying hard to keep it. It will get lost in the web of confusion and hurt…so yes, friendship will not get a chance.
I was there at one place on one good night where it was planned to be really good, with people I was already close with, wanted to be close with and one that is yet to meet. We were close-packed that night. Laughter was the proof of enjoyment. It was, after all, a visit that was most welcome. We felt young, was groovy, enjoyed the food and we loved the same music. But nobody from that night has really seen the real me. In fact, they only have seen the other side of me the next morning. What I’m trying to say is that we can spend a lifetime going from one ‘activity’ to another with different people and still be alone the next day to tackle the real person that you are (and for the rest of our lives). Because oftentimes, we act different roles to different personalities. I am spoiled to some people, but I’m the underdog on some…so its basically the way of life…and friendships are meant that way too, there are friendships that are just temporary because you work for the same company, or live at the same place, or go to same activity…but only few people are counted to be your BFF…through thick and thin….indefinitely!
If we think about it, we see that one basic condition for the development of friendship (love-at-first-sight being a wonderful possible exception) is that we keep going back to the same place over time. Meaning if we share something that we both enjoy and do often, that’s how friendships are developed ( same with other relationships)…because those are the way to build memories, and memories are etched in the heart not on wood. So in my case, I think the memories are not yet enough to call it a good friendship, or she may have taken it as part of her bad memories…I really don’t know!
The edges are always there: times when we’re arriving and departing, waiting for the first notes to sound from the organ, coffee after the service. But if you are shy or don’t know how to ‘make time’ in those brief moments, you still might miss the boat. Friendship just like any other relationships is also a give and take situation…And both should commit to be active…But if one wont, or too selfish to open herself up, then it will never work, with ANYONE!
We know that friendship goes far beyond simple attraction and ‘hanging out’. It’s far more complex. Once we discover each other, we still need to pay attention, deepen the invitation, and be good to each other. Friendship is a gift, but once we open the gift, we need to be ‘on purpose’ if friendship is to endure. Friendship is a discovery, not a requirement, and it helps to remember the value of small beginnings. At the outset, we’re not asking for a lifetime commitment.
We can only offer much, we can only be patient too long…but humiliation is an insult and that’s not an ingredient to good friendships…So its best that I let go, Im not saying good riddance…I will just be here…and if the time comes that you are ready to accept me as a TRUE friend, you know how to reach me..
Monday, May 19, 2008
More Questions..
1.SHORTEST RELATIONSHIP?
> do one night stands count???? lol
2.LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
> $$ from my sister
3.EVER DROPPED UR CELL PHONE?
> rarely...
4.THING(S)YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
> booze and burn...and gadgets...
5.LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
> chicken curry
6.ONE FAVORITE SONG?
> i wonder why
7.WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
>small island somewhere in the middle part of the country
8. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
> timmy and candice's wedding
9.LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR FRIENDS?
> like who? i saw kirk today, went out to buy duty shoes for him..
10.WHERE iS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
> home...with take out food...
11. CAN YOU COOK?
> YEAH, if u want to survive you gotta learn how...
12. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
> last week, and that was a month's effort to do so...
13. WHAT DO YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
> i am funny!
14.HATE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF?
> big spender...
15. CAN YOU SING?
> i love to sing, but the songs hate me...lol
16.DO YOU SMOKE?
> hmmm, im back to it...
17.PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
> french toast with eggs and bacon on the side..no syrup pls..
18. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?
> KOPIKO coffee...very cheap..
19.LAST PERSON WHO SENDS YOU A TXT MESSAGE?
> my nephew elton
20.WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED?
> just a forwarded joke...
21. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?
> yes but.....never mind...
22.CAN YOU SWIM?
> i can but i dont...
23.FAVORITE flavor. of ICE CREAM?
> i said double dutch before, maybe i like brazo de mercedez now...
24.WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?
> 7am, had to cook bfast for zach
25.WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?
> i dont know yet, its still monday now...
26. ARE YOU SMILING?
> no, but sneezing a lot, YES!
27.DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
> hmmm, no, i got over that feeling...
28.DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?:
> yes, always...
29.DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?
> yes, i have 5 sisters...vangie, josephine, emer, janet and marianne
30. WHO ARE YOUR CLOSEST COUSINS NAME?
> i have plenty of cousins, but im not close to anyone coz we havent seen each other for ages...
31. WHAT WERE YOU DOING 10 MINUTES AGO?
> playing profityville
32. IF YOU WERE A COLOR, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?
> just plain black and white, no shades in between
33.IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW, WHERE?
> hmmm, to the moon maybe???
34. FOOD YOU'RE CRAVING FOR RIGHT THIS MINUTE?
> none, my taste bud is off duty due to colds...
35. NAME A PERSON WHO'S NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER \"J\"?
> JUBANG, who else?
36 . WHERE'S THE BEST PLACE TO EAT ICE CREAM?
> my room???
37.RADIO STATION YOU FREQUENTLY LISTEN TO?
> none, sorry...
38. WHERE DO YOU USUALLY HANG OUT?
> my house...with friends, if im out, i'm in Hayahay...
39. IF YOU WERE TO CHANGE CAREERS, WHAT WOULD YOU WANT IT TO BE?
> President of RP? (ambitious???)
40. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TOMORROW?
> WORK!WORK!WORK!
41. FAVORITE DAY?
> saturday night..
42. ARE YOU EASY TO GET ALONG WITH?
> ask the people around me...
43.WHAT MOVIE DO YOU WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW?
> hmmm, let me think first...
44. WHO'S BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP?
> a lot...my dad's on june 5, my bro on june 28, my niece on june 29, garrett and faye on june 24, u want me to go on???
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
> i want lots but minus the pregnancy please...
46. WHERE DO YOU USUALLY WATCH MOVIES?
> inside my room
47 . NAME ONE PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH THE LETTER \"M\"
> mayette...my college friend..
48. FAVORITE THING THAT YOU HAVE NOW?
> i just bought a new cp: NOKIA E65..
( again, from gera g)
> do one night stands count???? lol
2.LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
> $$ from my sister
3.EVER DROPPED UR CELL PHONE?
> rarely...
4.THING(S)YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
> booze and burn...and gadgets...
5.LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
> chicken curry
6.ONE FAVORITE SONG?
> i wonder why
7.WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
>small island somewhere in the middle part of the country
8. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
> timmy and candice's wedding
9.LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR FRIENDS?
> like who? i saw kirk today, went out to buy duty shoes for him..
10.WHERE iS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
> home...with take out food...
11. CAN YOU COOK?
> YEAH, if u want to survive you gotta learn how...
12. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
> last week, and that was a month's effort to do so...
13. WHAT DO YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
> i am funny!
14.HATE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF?
> big spender...
15. CAN YOU SING?
> i love to sing, but the songs hate me...lol
16.DO YOU SMOKE?
> hmmm, im back to it...
17.PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
> french toast with eggs and bacon on the side..no syrup pls..
18. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?
> KOPIKO coffee...very cheap..
19.LAST PERSON WHO SENDS YOU A TXT MESSAGE?
> my nephew elton
20.WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED?
> just a forwarded joke...
21. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?
> yes but.....never mind...
22.CAN YOU SWIM?
> i can but i dont...
23.FAVORITE flavor. of ICE CREAM?
> i said double dutch before, maybe i like brazo de mercedez now...
24.WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?
> 7am, had to cook bfast for zach
25.WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?
> i dont know yet, its still monday now...
26. ARE YOU SMILING?
> no, but sneezing a lot, YES!
27.DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
> hmmm, no, i got over that feeling...
28.DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?:
> yes, always...
29.DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?
> yes, i have 5 sisters...vangie, josephine, emer, janet and marianne
30. WHO ARE YOUR CLOSEST COUSINS NAME?
> i have plenty of cousins, but im not close to anyone coz we havent seen each other for ages...
31. WHAT WERE YOU DOING 10 MINUTES AGO?
> playing profityville
32. IF YOU WERE A COLOR, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?
> just plain black and white, no shades in between
33.IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW, WHERE?
> hmmm, to the moon maybe???
34. FOOD YOU'RE CRAVING FOR RIGHT THIS MINUTE?
> none, my taste bud is off duty due to colds...
35. NAME A PERSON WHO'S NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER \"J\"?
> JUBANG, who else?
36 . WHERE'S THE BEST PLACE TO EAT ICE CREAM?
> my room???
37.RADIO STATION YOU FREQUENTLY LISTEN TO?
> none, sorry...
38. WHERE DO YOU USUALLY HANG OUT?
> my house...with friends, if im out, i'm in Hayahay...
39. IF YOU WERE TO CHANGE CAREERS, WHAT WOULD YOU WANT IT TO BE?
> President of RP? (ambitious???)
40. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TOMORROW?
> WORK!WORK!WORK!
41. FAVORITE DAY?
> saturday night..
42. ARE YOU EASY TO GET ALONG WITH?
> ask the people around me...
43.WHAT MOVIE DO YOU WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW?
> hmmm, let me think first...
44. WHO'S BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP?
> a lot...my dad's on june 5, my bro on june 28, my niece on june 29, garrett and faye on june 24, u want me to go on???
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
> i want lots but minus the pregnancy please...
46. WHERE DO YOU USUALLY WATCH MOVIES?
> inside my room
47 . NAME ONE PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH THE LETTER \"M\"
> mayette...my college friend..
48. FAVORITE THING THAT YOU HAVE NOW?
> i just bought a new cp: NOKIA E65..
( again, from gera g)
Sunday, May 18, 2008
questions, questions
1. How old will you be in 3 birthdays?
~~ 40...life begins then...
2. Do you think you'll be married by then?
~~ awwww!
3. What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months?
~~ travel, new job maybe...
4. Who was the last person you called,and who called you last?
~~ zach and zach
5. Have you ever played a team sport?
~~ yeah...in high school
6. Who was the last person to text you?
~~ yahoo messenger: no friends online
7. What were you doing at midnight last night?
~~ SNORING!
8. What happened at 11:00 a.m. today?
~~ SNORING still!
9. what do you feel right now?
~~ sleepy, stuffy nose!
10. If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?
~~ hmmm...all places...
11. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
~~ socks....and the airconditioning unit running...
12. Are you a social person?
~~ well, ask the people around me
13. What was the last thing you drank?
~~ gsm with pineapple orange
14. Favorite ice cream?
~~ double dutch
15. What is your favorite dessert?
~~ a lot!
16. What’s your favorite color?
~~ earth colors...
17. What network are you? smart or globe?
~~ globe and sun
18. Do you like coffee?
~~ learned to love it since a year ago...
19. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average?
~~ i will count next time ok?
20. What do you drink in the morning?
~~ cold water
21. Would you rather kiss someone with or without a tongue ring?
~~ hmmm, to kiss someone with a tongue ring would be interesting...
22. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
~~ in the middle...alone...
23. Do you know how to play poker?
~~ YES...
24. What's so good about Fridays?
~~ it's PARTY time!
25. Any plans for this week?
~~ get better, im down with cough and colds!
26. How big is your TV?
~~ 15" only...huhuhu
27. Ever stolen a street sign?
~~ no, but i kicked one decades ago...lol
28. Do you keep a piggy bank?
~~ no, i dont count my money...REALLY!
29. Have you ever been in an ambulance?
~~ no, and i hope not anytime soon dear!
30. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
~~ ocean at sunset
31. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?
~~ window seat always...
32. Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
~~ I WISH!
33. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
~~ just about anything as long as it makes me happy...
34. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
~~ just my earrings...
35. Can you roll your tongue?
~~ i think so..
36. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
~~ nothing fancy...
37. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
~~ awww...i dont keep old old old old clothes...
38. Do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth?
~~ yes, usually...
39. Do you like someone right now?
~~ maybe, not sure...
40. Where are your best friends?
~~ they are just somewhere out there...and i hope they are doing good...
(repost from gera g)
Saturday, April 19, 2008
How Ironic
How ironic....
You had me at hello
But you left without saying goodbye
You said you love me
But you want to be hated by me
How ironic
You said you despise losing me
But it is I that is losing you
You have overpromised
But yet you underdelivered
How ironic
You have brought too much joy in my heart
But now have caused so much tears in my eyes
My friends told me Im lucky to have found you
But the same ones who told me to leave you
How ironic
You said to have faith in you
But it is you who doesnt have faith in us
I dread the day that I will learn to hate you
Yet my days are filled by still loving you.
How ironic
You said you ache for me
Yet you are with somebody other than me
I hope this pain I feel will pass me by
Because its so ironic that the more I cry a river
The more I realize I have already loved you forever....
You had me at hello
But you left without saying goodbye
You said you love me
But you want to be hated by me
How ironic
You said you despise losing me
But it is I that is losing you
You have overpromised
But yet you underdelivered
How ironic
You have brought too much joy in my heart
But now have caused so much tears in my eyes
My friends told me Im lucky to have found you
But the same ones who told me to leave you
How ironic
You said to have faith in you
But it is you who doesnt have faith in us
I dread the day that I will learn to hate you
Yet my days are filled by still loving you.
How ironic
You said you ache for me
Yet you are with somebody other than me
I hope this pain I feel will pass me by
Because its so ironic that the more I cry a river
The more I realize I have already loved you forever....
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I Love You????
I wrote this blog a year ago on my Yahoo 360. Im reposting this here as my entry today:
Its 151am, I just woke up and found out I got tons of emails...I was hoping Id get one that would perk up my eerie midnight...but all I got were forwarded ones and of a bulk share of spams.....those that tell you you won in the lottery or the mushy stories of someone died and their money is somewhere that you are the only trusted person who can access to it...URGGGH, please...had enough of that already, do better next time please.
As usual, on this time of the day I prefer to be in my solemn ground. I find solace just reading interesting blogs of other people and learn from it..Yeah, its a good therapy, something that awakens your senses, whether it was just a nonsense blog or more of a bit serious stuff, its still a good dose. Its funny that you get to know one person by the blogs they write, and there's this feeling that you have known them forever, yet you dont even know the very basic information about that person. Hah...the irony of it....
Yesterday, I was offline for most of the day, but I was on SMS and I received a message from someone who I just conversed with for only ONE TIME..his message went like this: " Hey, sweet, where have you been all day. Waited for you an hour but you were offfline. I love you and I miss you. I will talk to you soon". Goodness, how can someone say that when we just talked ONCE? And if I may recall accurately, we just talked for less than an hour...the usual, in troductions...whats your name, what do you do...blah, blah, blah...I replied with "Hey, you dont love me...you dont even know me" and he was quick to reply with " How say I dont love you, its not my fault. I have a strange feeling for you so love is in the air" .....WHOAH, hold on a minute....you got me thinking there...Is love at first chat possible? Well, couldnt blame this guy really....too pretty to be not admired..( Hahahaha, that got you huh!)...Wow...hes got strange feelings for me...To date, I cant anymore count the times I get these confessions...they all love me...wow! There's that nagging question again of when does one say " I love you" and mean it????? I cant believe these three magical words are being so used freely on net, to the point that it sounds abusive. There's too much flattery, too much smooth talking, too much superficial elation. I wish I get callous to all these, but hey, it sometimes make my day...Im just human, guilty of needing approval and appreciation. But I know better now....I will take the challenge of various shades of love armed with wisdom and care, and as I go along the journey, I will make sure, it has a rightful end.
So lets take the ride of life and love with glee, chase the clouds of golden heartbeats...even if there are shadows of darkness at times, just know that we can always rise from the ashes and be brand new again...Love is free but it takes a lot of effort and determination to make it worth your while...so please, next time make sure you do really feel it, before giving it away...You might just fall into a trap that has no hole to get out from...
Goodnight...these are just thoughts from my slumber..
Its 151am, I just woke up and found out I got tons of emails...I was hoping Id get one that would perk up my eerie midnight...but all I got were forwarded ones and of a bulk share of spams.....those that tell you you won in the lottery or the mushy stories of someone died and their money is somewhere that you are the only trusted person who can access to it...URGGGH, please...had enough of that already, do better next time please.
As usual, on this time of the day I prefer to be in my solemn ground. I find solace just reading interesting blogs of other people and learn from it..Yeah, its a good therapy, something that awakens your senses, whether it was just a nonsense blog or more of a bit serious stuff, its still a good dose. Its funny that you get to know one person by the blogs they write, and there's this feeling that you have known them forever, yet you dont even know the very basic information about that person. Hah...the irony of it....
Yesterday, I was offline for most of the day, but I was on SMS and I received a message from someone who I just conversed with for only ONE TIME..his message went like this: " Hey, sweet, where have you been all day. Waited for you an hour but you were offfline. I love you and I miss you. I will talk to you soon". Goodness, how can someone say that when we just talked ONCE? And if I may recall accurately, we just talked for less than an hour...the usual, in troductions...whats your name, what do you do...blah, blah, blah...I replied with "Hey, you dont love me...you dont even know me" and he was quick to reply with " How say I dont love you, its not my fault. I have a strange feeling for you so love is in the air" .....WHOAH, hold on a minute....you got me thinking there...Is love at first chat possible? Well, couldnt blame this guy really....too pretty to be not admired..( Hahahaha, that got you huh!)...Wow...hes got strange feelings for me...To date, I cant anymore count the times I get these confessions...they all love me...wow! There's that nagging question again of when does one say " I love you" and mean it????? I cant believe these three magical words are being so used freely on net, to the point that it sounds abusive. There's too much flattery, too much smooth talking, too much superficial elation. I wish I get callous to all these, but hey, it sometimes make my day...Im just human, guilty of needing approval and appreciation. But I know better now....I will take the challenge of various shades of love armed with wisdom and care, and as I go along the journey, I will make sure, it has a rightful end.
So lets take the ride of life and love with glee, chase the clouds of golden heartbeats...even if there are shadows of darkness at times, just know that we can always rise from the ashes and be brand new again...Love is free but it takes a lot of effort and determination to make it worth your while...so please, next time make sure you do really feel it, before giving it away...You might just fall into a trap that has no hole to get out from...
Goodnight...these are just thoughts from my slumber..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)