How do you move forward?

I've had my share of pains in life. My heart has been broken  so many times by people who let me down in more ways than one but that is too small a pain compared to losing our immediate loved ones. I have lost my father more than 2 decades ago, yet the pain is still very real.   In 2015 I lost two brothers, I lost both of them just 3 months apart, the older one died in July and our youngest died in November, and they are the only brothers that I have. I am orphaned , in the "brotherly" sense. How can I move forward without them?

My father and two brothers went to heaven the same way...very sudden, very quick. I know people would tell me they are now in a better place...I can deal with that. What Im struggling at is dealing with the reality that they are no longer here, that I cannot and will never have the chance to grow old with them, or see them smile or just live in the thought that they are just around and that Christmases and other holidays would mean seeing them again. I may be too childish to even think of myself at this time, but tell me, how can you really truly move on?

I regard my father as my biggest hero. I have always looked up to him. He was not perfect, he had his flaws, he was very strict even, but it is in him that I see the goodness inside a person's heart. My father was quick to trust, too trusting that was always betrayed by his friends and relatives over money he has readily loaned them in time of their need. Money that was never returned to him, yet he just continued to help others, and shared what he had on his plate. Always. He had a big HEART. He never TAUGHT us anything, but he SHOWED us everything. He walked his talk. How can I live without his example?

Up to this day, whenever someone or something causes me pain, I call on him next to God. Whenever I cry for help,  I call my father. After every teardrop while thinking of my father, I just rest on the thought that he has always protected and comforted me even from heaven. I miss him everyday, every single day!! There are times when more than one emotion seems to take hold at once, and I feel as if I'm “going crazy.” Is it natural to feel this way, is it normal to experience a number of different feelings at once? 

It was hard moving forward without a father, how much more losing both your brothers at the same time? It is excruciatingly painful, it is just not the same. The saying that death is a heartache no one can heal is suddenly exploding in front of me. The reality of it all hurts a lot!The reality is that you will grieve forever! I dont think I will ever get over it, I have not forgotten the pain but I have to live with it!

How can I rebuild life without them? How can I free myself  from the emotional dungeon that has consequently built up? My father died even before I conceived Zach. Too bad for Zach, I know.  My elder brother died even before he could finally see his daughter Ivy come back to us for good. My younger brother died even before his eldest can graduate high school. How can one celebrate when the person you dedicate the occasion to is not there to partner toast with you? How back-to-normal is normal?

I have a million questions, yet no book has explained it fully well to me. I guess, There is no magical clock that counts the pain and ticks last time to end it, if there is such a thing, I will buy a bunch for all those hurting like me. While I still find reasons, I will go on living my life thinking they are walking beside me. Even if they are unseen and unheard, the memories I have with them are too vivid and flashing loud in my sleep. Their spirits will live with me forever.

I finished this on June 18, 2017,  in memory of my father Juanito, my bothers Ireneo (Boyet) and Juanito, Jr. (Joey). Happy Father's to you!!